John and I had a lovely weekend. Just lovely. Perfectly fucking lovely. Jesus God, what have I gotten myself into??
Why is it that after spending more than 4 hours with a person I become so disgusted that I can't breathe. Literally, can't breathe. I had a panic attack the other night. I woke up and John was lying in bed beside me and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think, I couldn't see and I couldn't get oxygen into my lungs. Then, when I could muster a very insignificant breath, I wanted to use the energy it afforded me to kick him out of my bed.
I am unsure of whether it is a fear of commitment, or a fear of my personal space being lost. I just know that everything is wonderful until they start hanging around . . .and then all I can think of is "Back AWAY." And then I start to slowly pick them apart in my mind. They're too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, too intelligent, too ignorant, they have freckles, they have a mole on the small of their back just above where I would want to place my hand, they have mother issues, they have children, etc. etc. etc. Even attributes become a liability in my mind.
And by the time this fear and loathing has overwhelmed me, I have led the person into my world and made them believe they are safe. This was by no means my intention. Yet today, as I watched John leave for parts unnamed, I could see that he was concerned something was wrong with me. I alerted him that I was just feeling ill - which was not a lie, I am feeling a bit flu-ish - and everything was fine. And maybe, just maybe, everything is fine. Perhaps the 46 hours and 28 minutes spent with him was the problem. Maybe smaller doses are the answer . . .
But how long can you keep smaller doses? How long before the smaller doses of man drive you to large doses of liquor?
I'm starting to think I'm out of my mind. I became accustomed to telling myself that I just hadn't found "the one". Then I began to believe that I didn't want a "one." Then I espoused that belief. And then, the entrance of John. The one I thought would disprove the belief. Instead, he is quickly falling to the same fate as the masses of those before him.
God save us all.