Thursday, April 28, 2005

Can I Have Your Vote For President???

Here are the items on my platform:

#1 - demolishing of the Welfare System as we know it. It will no longer be a free for all. I'm tired beyond measure of working my ass off to pay 50% of my wages in taxes so that I can support ignorant individuals who would rather sit on their ass and spit kids out of their nether regions than get a job.

The new welfare system would be as follows:

Resembling a student loan system, assistance would be available for only ONE nine month period. Throughout that period, persons receiving said assistance would have to provide proof every two weeks that they had applied to at least one job and made a genuine effort to obtain said job. Don't ask me what this proof would be - I just come up with the policies - someone else has to enforce them (I already sound presidential, don't you think?.

At the conclusion of the nine month period, said persons must have found a job. If they haven't, too damn bad. No more money, food stamps or medicaid for you.

Also, at this conclusion, you receive a notice that you have a 6 month grace period to get your finances in order. Following that period, you will begin making repayment to the government for the assistance you received. It will be a low monthly payment for the next 20 years (as I said, modeling the student loan system) with a higher interest rate because we had to support you to begin with. That interest rate must be no less than 7% and no more than 18%. These are the numbers that I just made up.

#2 - Youth sterilization. It is my opinion that some (approximately 50%) of the reason that we are in the welfare predicament to begin with is because people continue to have children when they are 14. Also, because they realize the more they spit out, the more money they get. Therefore, here is the plan:

All male children will receive a vasectomy at birth. Cool your jets, kids, vasectomies are reversible.

All women will be required to have an IUD implanted at age 11.

At the age of 25 - when these individuals have completed certain requirements, reversals can begin as can removals. What are the requirements, you ask?

A - Prove that you have held gainful employment for more than 1 year.
B - Pass an IQ exam - passing will be as easy as achieving a score of 100 or more. I would like to make the requirement higher, but I was told that was too harsh.
C - Pass a parenting class and receive a license to conceive. We have to have a license to drive, I think child bearing is SLIGHTLY more important than driving.

#3 - All license plate numbers will now be the cell phone of the individual who owns the vehicle. This is just a personal pet peeve. I want to be able to dial the idiot who cut me off doing 78 and yet promptly slowed down to 45 on the major interstate to know just how I feel about him, his lineage and the fact that I am quite aware he has fewer than 3 brain cells.

#4 - The legal age for drinking will be lowered to 16. Old enough to drive, old enough to drink. However, there is a stipulation here. People aged 16 to 21 will pay a 20% liquor tax - this should enable us to eliminate property taxes. Some may say this is unfair . .. however, these kids are already paying that much for alcohol. NO ONE has ever wanted alcohol (even 10 year olds) and not gotten it. They're going to get it anyway. And what they're not paying in 20% taxation, they're paying to Joe Blow College Student to buy them the alcohol to begin with. This is a win win for the kid and society.

#5 - All dry counties will be done away with. The concept of a dry county is just beyond all comprehension. Let's NOT allow people to drink here . . .let's make them drive 30 miles to get drunk so that they can drive back to their place of residence drunk as shit and kill everyone else who happens to get in the way. The death rate will probably go down considerably when you think about the fact that there is now just 3 miles between their drinking place and their home.

#6 - All drugs will be legalized. As with the alcohol, no one who has ever wanted drugs has not been able to get them. They always get them. Let's put this to our advantage. Place severe warnings on all drugs defining their side effects and future impairments to the body, so as to disallow anyone from suing the companies that manufacture them (think about how much money the tobacco companies would have saved); then tax them at a 50% rate. I'm relatively certain that over time, this may even allow us to get rid of income tax.

#7 - Gambling will be legalized. For the same reasons as the drugs and alcohol - anyone who has wanted to do it has done it regardless of the law. Let's make some money off of it. Also, it will be legalized in EVERY state. No more of this ignorant Arkansas bullshit about no gambling (thank you, ass crack of the bible belt, for your inherent stupidity) in the state. All that does is send people to Mississippi or Louisiana or any other state that allows lotteries or gambling thus driving our economy down by sending our money elsewhere. We need that economic boost. If the morons are ignorant enough to throw their money away, let them throw it to us.

There are many more policies I wish to enact, but this is good for now. Hope I have your vote.


sqg said...

"Ass crack of the bible belt"

Guess it's a good thing I left when I was about 2 months old. -lol

Oh, and you've got my vote! :)

The Delawarean said...

CLASSIC! I love it.

meghansdiscontent said...

Honey, it's not a strictly Arkansas thing. . . it's a Southern thing, it's an American thing . . . when did we all lose our minds and start believing that we really owed things to others. Screw Christian kindness - - someone else needs to get off their ass and get a job. Glad to know that it looks like I have at least two votes. Remind me to rant with my other proposals for world domination sometime.

Oh, and another thing, leaving AR doesn't change the public policies. Every time I travel I think "Thank God, I will be going to civilization" . . . and then I get there and see the same things that I see here. Save them all from themselves!