Monday, June 06, 2005

The Things That Make Me Laugh

1 - My brother. He's crazy beyond all reason. I love him dearly. Things that would never be funny to anyone else are hilarious to me just because he's my brother. Not to mention he's sometimes very naive about things. And that alone is funny.

The best story ever:

My brother moved into my guest room when he moved here to go to college. The first week he was here, we were in the living room watching mindless TV. The following is an actual conversation.

In the background is a TV playing a commercial regarding dust mites.

Brother: "Dust mites are real?!?!?!?!?"

Myself: "Umm, yeah." (dumbfounded look on face, tone implying - are you an idiot)

Silence for approximately 5 minutes.

Brother: "So, does that mean dust bunnies are real too?"

Sister (deadpan): "Yep. They eat the dust mites."

2- My father.

It's readily evident that my brother is the very same person as my father. They even look alike. Daddy can crack me up without even trying. And what's funny, is at times, you think "Is this guy an idiot?" and then you remember he has 3 college degrees including an engineering degree. He's viciously intelligent, but like all too intelligent people does stupid things.

True Story:

Mom and dad have been married for a very short while when he purchases a brand new 1976 F-150. Coincidently, the truck is brown.

Dad goes on a hunting trip with a few of my uncles (few because I have 14 on his side alone). His gun develops some problem so my uncle loans him a rifle that he is unfamiliar with. Somehow, my father manages to shoot, yes, SHOOT his truck. It causes no damage save for a hole in the front quarter panel. He thinks my mother won't notice the hole if he shoves some mud in it, considering the truck is brown - and muddy - it will either blend in completely or will simply look like a lump of mud caught on the quarter panel.

He drives up to the house with the mud clump in the hole. Mom's no slouch. Immediately she says "What did you do to your truck?" And dad quickly fires back with "It's a little dirty." To which she replies "The hole, (insert dad's name), I'm talking about the hole." My father simply shook his head and told his tale. He knew the gig was up.

This is the same man who will make up an answer to any question FAMILY members ask him. He doesn't so much do this with friends and strangers I've noticed. But if you ask him say . . . why the sky is blue, he will make up some answer that sounds completely plausible. And anyone who didn't know him would just take him at face value. But we don't buy it. And I have been known to say "Dad, you don't know. You just made that shit up." To his credit, he never lies, he simply says "Yeah, I did." Don't ask him why he did, he never has a good answer. Sometimes, more often than not, he has no answer at all.

My friend Robin -

She's smart as all hell, gorgeous to boot and can make anything laugh-out-loud funny. Without even trying. At times, it's just the fact that I'm relatively certain the girl suffers from Terretts. She will just randomly say fuck six times in a sentence.

To be quite honest, at times I wonder if I don't suffer a little jealousy. She's just such a great person. You KNOW if you need anything - she's there for you. Even leaving her bed at the crack of dawn to rush to your side when you've been in an accident. Even though this required her to miss the first several hours of like her third day on a new job. This is funny because she has this attitude - that she doesn't give a damn about the world or anyone in it. She throws everything and everyone off externally - but inside, she's a softy. It's funny how many people DON'T get her at all. Even friends we've had for years have no inkling of who she is.

She's beautiful, even with no makeup and no bathing. She showed up at the hospital, hair in a haphazard ponytail, no makeup, no bath, no jewelry, random pieces of workout clothes thrown into an outfit and still looked better than most women could look trying. And what's funny about this is she has NO IDEA. She thinks she's attractive, sure, because deep down we all do. But she has NO idea that she's gorgeous.

The girl is cracked out when on drugs. And I don't mean illegal ones, she doesn't do that. This is the ONLY person I've ever seen, literally, who talked to her ass when on Benedryl. Oh yes, fans, she was on her back, arms through her legs, ankles by her head, talking to her ass. Real live conversation:

"Hello today, ass. You've been rather smelly lately. Are there some foods you prefer I don't eat? . . . "

She will, of course, kill me for putting that here. . . and deny the story.

She also performs "Wheels on the Bus" with her breasts acting as wheels.

My mother -

Sarcasm takes a human form in my mother. She is the most sardonic, caustic, laugh out loud hilarious woman I've ever met. And the kicker is that she NEVER offends anyone by it. Everyone thinks it's funny. Most of the world takes sarcasm as an offensive form of humor, but not when it comes from my mother:

Senior year of highschool; Trip to Baylor University to determine if I wanted to accept the scholarship

Random tour director: "And now here at Baylor we have a payment plan. So instead of paying off an entire semester at once, it's like paying off your washer/dryer."

It should be noted that Baylor is VERY expensive. VERY.

Mother, kind of quietly, but much louder at the end: "Or your MERCEDES BENZ."

Later in the tour,

Random tour director: "All five of the University President's children attend college here. Most live in the dormitories."

Mother: "FIVE????!!!??? I thought this was a Baptist college, not a Catholic one??"

Love that woman. Love her.
She had the entire tour laughing their asses off. Which is a feat for Southern Baptists. (so glad I didn't attend a religious based college)

That's enough for now . . there are more. But those are probably the four highest on the list.


"the ONE and ONLY" said...

OMG?!!! That is some funny "#hit".. I swear were distance realated somewhere!! Loved the stories. Much love and many blesings!

birdie said...

so. it's kind of strange to read about myself in print. i think you're crazy, naturally.
and please. why would you EVER be jealous? i couldn't get my shit together if i TRIED.