So here’s the deal:
I’m a good sized girl. I admit that wholeheartedly and unabashedly. Some of it is my fault; some of it is not. It’s not easy to stay thin (or get thin) when you have metabolic disorder and insulin resistance. For those of you who don’t know medical terms, it sums up like this: My body LOVES sugar, craves it constantly, complete mind fuck craving . . . but doesn’t break it down at all. It also doesn’t break down the good foods (which I love) such as green beans, corn, salads, asparagus, broccoli, carrots, lean meats, cheeses, in fact dairy products of any kind, etc. etc. etc. In short, my body is a processing mess. If I were a computer, my motherboard would have been fried at birth.
Being a good sized girl, yet with a healthy ego, I have to wonder. Should I settle? Reasons to settle follow:
1 – In the state of Arkansas, in the good ole US of A, men can afford to be choosy. There are a goodly amount of crazed sorority girls, Southern Belle wannabes and aspiring Britney Spearses who think anorexia and a Southern drawl will land you a man right quick. And they are correct in those assumptions. A pretty face, a good body and some open legs do wonders for men’s ring buying abilities here. Larger girls need not apply. Size 8 rings aren’t on the purchase list.
2 – Also in the state of Arkansas, intelligent men are (by the by) hard to come by. Particularly intelligent, employed men wrapped in a pretty parcel. You may get intelligent, you may get employed, you may even get the pretty parcel, but three for one RARELY occurs. Some argue to take what you can get. I tried the pretty parcel, he wasn’t too bright or he would have figured out the man code – fat girls don’t get asked out by muscular 6’4” men with black hair and green eyes. The parcel was nice but when the conversation progressed as follows, the attraction died a natural death:
“So, what is your focus of study?”
“What’s your major?”
“Do you take classes at the college or are you there purely as decoration?”
“What’d you call me???!!??!”
And so ends a beautiful relationship (at least superficially).
I tried intelligence and employed but they came in someone who had fallen from the top of the ugly tree, swiped every branch on the way down and landed in a pile of ugly tree leaves. Great guy, wonderful guy, and though beauty is but a light switch away – darkness does not cover all sins. I simply kept thinking “Could I ever love a child who looked like this man, even if he or she did spring forth from my loins. Christ, no.”
And so ends an ugly relationship (at least superficially).
3 – Settling should occur for you because you expect it of him. I should settle for less than attractive, slightly intelligent and gainfully employed because I expect him to settle for very attractive, highly intelligent and self-employed wrapped in the fluffy happiness which is my cellulite. If he can see past a little cellulite, why can’t I see past a few acne scars, an unfortunate haircut, a wardrobe chosen at random from the local thrift store and fifth grade reading and writing skills?
Reasons NOT to settle follow:
1 – Much like number three of the reasons to settle, my argument is this. Why should I settle for the lesser of most categories for a man who has but to settle in simply one? Yes, physically I’m not Jessica Simpson, hell Jessica Simpson isn’t Jessica Simpson (ah, the powers of airbrushing). But I’m not mentally Jessica Simpson either. There are a lot of brains buried in this cellulite and beauty is beauty, even when surrounded by fluffiness. I’m very attractive, stylish, hygienic, intelligent, caring, compassionate, motivated, driven, successful and a million other adjectives and adverbs. Why should some fat cells overshadow everything else?
2 – I would never be happy. I would always wonder about the “what ifs”. What if I had found a man (HA HA) who would love me for who I am and not what size I wear? What if there was a gorgeous intelligent blind man with a tactile disorder who loved my personality and mind first and foremost and my body secondly? What if I one day through the miracle of pharmaceutical drugs and plastic surgery (I would say through physical exertion, but I tried the gym – 6 nights a week, in fact – and a diet of water and greens and still gained weight) became thin and began to resent what I have for what I could have?
3 – My friends. They have seen me on the settling route. They have chastised my recent dating choices. Why are you with him when you could do so much better? But can I? I see what men look at when I’m with my “thin” friends. Yes, I could walk around in sandwich boards that say “It’s not my fault!! I have a disease. I had a tumor. I’m food processing challenged. But I’m still wonderful!” But I don’t think that would do the trick, nor would it change anything.
4 – Things could be worse. I could be obese. I could be one of those people you see in wheelchairs and think “Get your fat ass up! You’re not crippled. Put down the triple cheeseburger and pick up some free weights and you’d be fine!” I could be one of those women who can’t find clothes in their size or can only shop at the “special” stores. I could look disgusting in a bathing suit. I could be one of those people who avoid black or black and white ensembles for fear that someone will yell “Free Willy!” I am none of those things. Since I’m not one of those people, should I steal a man who would look beyond what they are to the real them?
So, give me a hand. What do you think? To settle, or not to settle, that is the question.