Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Dance, Dance and a Dilemma

Dance, Dance

I would like Ang and True to know that I thought about them on the way to work this morning. I was listening to 93.3 The Razor (Always Rocks, Always Will) a completely kick-ass “all rock, all the time” station out of Little Rock and guess what songs came on The Rock Block?

Pour Some Sugar on Me - Def Leppard
You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC
Enter Sandman (One I forgot to include in party songs) - Metallica

So kids, you were on my mind.

And now for Auburn, who I engaged with conversation about our cute brothers and how we love them and do everything for them . . . but I won’t do this.

So, my brother has this bad habit of letting himself in my house.
Other than the two times I was naked walking around, this normally doesn’t bother me. However, last night I was a bit taken aback . . and embarrassed.

No, I wasn’t naked.

I was shakin’ my thang to Lo Fidelity Allstars - Battleflag. I do that a lot. Just put on a CD or the radio and dance around the house. It helps me calm down after work and traffic and the whole nine yards. Plus it makes me Hap Hap Happy. Anywho . . .so yeah, my brother walked in on me breaking it down. AND he apparently had been standing there a while because he engaged me in one of the grossest conversations ever:

“I wish I could dance. You can dance. I wish I could dance.” - the boy has a point, I don’t think he knows where his thang is, let alone how to shake it.

I’m desperately wanting to help him, but think teaching my brother how to bootie dance is a little odd. I mean, how do you teach a guy that if you can’t dance with him. And trust me, I am NOT going to back it up on my brother. Not happening. No, not never ever in a million years.

“You could take lessons or something.”
“How embarrassing! No way! What if, like, the guys found out.”
“Sweetie, most guys can’t dance. It’s not a big deal. What counts is that you’ll go out on the dance floor. But you won’t do that. Start just going out there. I promise, the girl will make you look good.”

Not gross so far . .

“I just wish I could dance. That would really make the panties wet.”

GROSS.
I immediately start to gag.
He’s my LITTLE brother. It doesn’t matter if he is 40, he will still be my little brother. I DO NOT want to think about my little brother getting anything .. . that three letter word that rhymes with pet.

“You’re a sicko.”
He’s laughing so hard he can’t breathe. “Why does that make you gag??”
“Because that’s nasty! You’re like . . . you’re . . . you’re my damn brother!!! I don’t wanna think about you doin’ . . . that!”
Ugh.
Ugh, Ugh, Ugh.
Gotta vomit now. Excuse me.

However, due to our blogging about dancing and my conversation with my brother, I did something bad. I took 5 minutes out of my therapy sessions with my 4-year olds (I only have 2 that are that old) this morning and taught them how to do The Roger Rabbit and The Snake. Come on, you know those old 80's dance moves. I listed it under “Following directions, “ so, it totally counts as therapy. Right? Okay, please no one report me to Medicaid. But I’m officially the “coolest” therapist ever . . . they told me so. What’s even scarier, is I taught these kids to do it listening to Paula Abdoul. YES, I still have TAPES of Paula Abdoul. Deal with it. Nothing like “Cold Hearted Snake” to learn The Snake to. How apropos.

Dilemma

I got a call a few minutes ago.
From a flower shop in Conway.
Apparently, I am to call them when I get home so that they may deliver flowers.
This particular shop is my favorite!
Conway Classic Touch (shameless plug for their kick butt business).
They have beautiful home decor and jewelry and all kinds of wonderful things. I go into Classic Touch at least once a month and blow far too much money.
But who the hell would be sending me flowers??
Luckily, I know one of the guys that works there.
So I hang up, wait 5 minutes, call back and ask for Chris.

“Oh, Chris, my lovely?”
“Uh oh, this is gonna be trouble. What’s up?”
Laughing, “No trouble. No trouble at all. Promise. Just need you to check something out for me. It seems that you guys are going to be delivering to me later this afternoon. I need a detailed description of WHAT you’re delivering and preferably an idea of who sent it or what the note says.”
“Meg, can’t you just wait and see?”
Now, almost everyone that knows me is aware that unless you’re 5 years old or younger; I have no patience for you . . or for anything. Kids, I’m great with. Adults and things I want - I have this astoundingly annoying sense of immediacy that must be satisfied!
Very whiney voice (yes, I’m ashamed and abashed): “Puh-lease, Chris?? Pretty, pretty puh-lease.”
“Don’t do that, you know that gets me.”
“Then just do it, puh-lease.”

I have THREE dozen roses.
36 roses.
36 black roses ; which means they were special order.
Which means he paid a veritable butt ton for these roses.
Which means he actually listens to me because I hate almost all other roses.

Who is “he”, you ask?
Mr. Clean.
Mr. Clean has sent me 36 roses from France.
36 roses which probably cost about $300.
That’s the one thing Chris wouldn’t tell me: “I’m not telling you how much the guy spent on you! That’s just tacky! Pull it together!”
But I KNOW they’re special order.
I know because I sometimes buy black roses for myself.
Just one or two because I refuse to pay that much for anymore . . and it’s stupid to spend that much money on something that’s just going to die.
The card says simply “Can’t wait to see you when I get back.”

He’s working his ass off to redeem himself in my eyes.
Care to clue a girl in on how to handle this one????

27 comments:

beachgirl said...

I don't know- How do you feel about it? I still think the whole coming by your house without calling is just plain rude and not at all appropriate... Tornado or not!

If a guy had taken my hair down with having "eye sex" (thanks for the term, True) with me, I might have had to smack the crap out of him...

I just don't know meg, I'll wait to see what the others have to say..
Eunuch?
CB??
Where are y'all??

Jenni said...

Oooohhhh....tough one here...(wrinkles forehead) This certainly helps move him back up at least two notches on the "Is He Worthy of Meghan's Time Scale". All I know is that he definitely deserves a date and maybe a teeny tiny peck on the cheek for the flowers. I'm still skeptical about him tho. The "no condom" comment cut deep.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Ummm, well, I still think he's like that movie the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (orginal comment I deleted)-he's like in his 40's, divorced with kids?? and money, feeling like 21 again and trying to charm you like you are 18. He wants, well, a fling. No, not a fling like I had with Miss Manolos (apparently Steph didn't give me the old heave ho-unlike what you told her to do!), but he wants a real honest to God, let's roll in the hay becuase I don't want to wear condoms fling, you meet his "Stalker Profile of an Easy Lay" and he's setting the stage to make a recovery and take advantage of you because he spoke too soon and let you know how he really felt.

There are a couple of ways you could handle it:

1) Look, the guy obviously has money to burn and wants to spend it on you. Maybe this will still lead to some good stories that you can share with me and cheer me up with over here in Iraq. He might take you out and spend a great night with you on dinner and what not. But at the end of the night, or maybe the second night-he's still going to expect something in return, and I don't mean a nice kiss on the cheek.

2) You seem pretty put together from what I know about you, you don't really need the money or the dinner or the roses-what you really want is some normal guy attention. Which Eunuch and I can't give you while we are in Iraq. SO you already have a good clue what he wants, you seemed pretty turned off by the whole thing, why are you going to overlook an obvious ploy to get you to see past that?? Dress to the nines, put on some sexy clothes, go to Beale St (it's NICE down there!), find some guys that want to appreciate you for you, and not just out for a vulnerable girl.


I may be too hard on this guy because I have, as you say, a protective streak. Lots of guys are out looking for a good time, and gals too, that's a different comment I guess. Sorry, I hijacked your blog, but you do it to me all the time!!

Eunuch said...

I'm here, I'm here...

HOLY SCHITZA! 3 Dozen! That's a huge step for Mr Clean to take. Obviously, I'm coming in rather late in dealing with Mr. Clean, but here's my two cents anyway: Let him keep buying you stuff. It's not much to go on, but it's a start

Eunuch said...

Well, I couldn't agree more with CB's monologue...it IS strange no matter what, but that's what he's after, you. Be it a one night stand or a little longer, he just wants to wow you. Hell, he wow'ed me!

meghansdiscontent said...

I meet the profile of an easy lay????????

Sorry, I'm just stuck on that right now.

Promise to read the rest later when I am less astounded.

meghansdiscontent said...

Okay, a little more grounded now.

Beachgirl - I think you're right. He's being shady. I don't care if he is 39, coming without calling was a 16 year old's move.

Jenni - The "no condom" cut a lot deeper than anyone could possibly realize. I think I may just send him a thank-you type text mail and let it go at that.

CB - I don't think you're being too hard on him. I think your assessment is almost 100% correct. He saw a young girl and thought he could pull the wool over my eyes, but jacked his game too soon and underestimated this particular girl. I get asked out everyday, I don't need some insensitive jerk -- even if he is hot with money.

Eunuch - Yeah, the whole WOW aspect got me at first, but after reading CB's comments, I realize that he's just continuing his original plan. I'm outty 5000.
I don't do one nights. I don't do 3 months. This guy's got his profile wrong.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Dear Meghan,

I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth again. That was in no way meant as an insult to you, I was writing as a guy analyzing a guy from what little I know read from a blog. He could be the best guy in the world. All I know is, he made a direct comment about no condoms right when he met you. That doesn't strike me as romantic; I'm not saying you are an easy lay, whatsoever. That is my take on what he thought.

Hope I didn't piss you off! Really.

CS

trueborn said...

Gee, this guy really is working hard. Damn Meghan you must really be hot! Gots to say that I agree with Mr. Chair to a certain degree. From your original comments about the fella, he sounds like he wants to set up franchises flying his DNA as a banner. I still think the "condom comment" is unredeemable, I mean who says stuff like that?
The roses are also our secret weapon as men, it's for when we really mess up, and we know it. My vote is to kick him off the island (maybe I'm just jealous). ;)

meghansdiscontent said...

True - Babe, jealous schmelous, I'm not buying it! Your lines are better than his! How long have I been waiting for that application? :)

Seriously though, I'm actually contemplating calling Chris and telling him to keep the flowers. Is it too harsh to not accept delivery????

beachgirl said...

Oh precious girl, no one said YOU were an easy lay.. He's the scumbag LOOKING for an easy lay and yes, he probably thought that girl was you, b/c of your age.. But you are right, you jacked him up and called his bluff...

It's all good and we all love you very much- RIGHT BOYS????

Chairborne Stranger said...

True-thanks man for getting my back.

Men have roses, women have tears.

beachgirl said...

I'm with True- and you GUYS should really check out his blog- amamzing!! It's a modern guys guide to women. Now I have NO DOUBT that the guys here, CB and Eunuch are gentlemen and know how to treat a lady, but you should still check it out... It's good stuff..

The condom comment unredeemable!!!

meghansdiscontent said...

Chair - Angel, try as I might, I don't think I could get mad at you. Honestly, I didn't take it like that. I just needed to look back at how I was with him and see if I could have given him that impression.

Beach - he just tried to call . . . what the hell time is it in France???? Voicemail is all garbled and I can't hear any of it. I don't know if it's because of the connection or if Thugette damaged my phone.

Chair - I'm becoming so disillusioned. Most of my friends have been guys my whole life because women are too manipulative. Are you telling me the guys are just as manipulative if not more so? Am I going to have to go get Kady (dog) back from the trainer's and just go out with her?

meghansdiscontent said...

Beach - TOLD YA! True is DA MAN! You can't tell me you didn't melt when you were reading his advice to men. I wasn't kidding when I said I need to get my butt back to WV . . apparently that's where all the GOOD guys are hiding out.

Eunuch said...

I seriously need to read the ENTIRE blog entry FIRST before I start commenting on anything. I missed SO MUCH. Maybe I can get an "Executive Summary" at the start of the blog to highlight the relevant information.

My apologies for giving pi$$-poor advice with only half a brain on the suject...I've been at work for over 13 hours right now, so I'm a little out of it.

CB, tough love on "the men have roses, women have tears" but it's true.

Meg, yes, we ALL love you very much

trueborn said...

Meg I have a few more Bootie shakers for ya
1. Get to know ya, Maxwell
2. Somebody Wants You, Lo Fidelity All Stars
3. Even Better Than the Real Thing, U2
4. the Middle, Jimmy Eat World
5. Breaking the Girl, Red hot Chilli Peppers
6. Closet Freak, Cee-Lo
7. Perfect Gentleman, Wyclef Jean
8. Eee Aaa, Nelly
9. Praise You, Fatboy Slim
10. Lapdance, N.E.R.D.
11. Aww Naw, Nappy Roots
12. Sprung Monkey, Get 'em outa here
13. Steal My Kisses, Ben Harper
14. For the Movies, Buckcherry
15. Busy Child, Crystal Method
16. If I had a Million Dollars, Bare Naked Ladies

Whew, I think thats enough for today..hope you enjoy

meghansdiscontent said...

True - I totally internet lurv you for sending me MY version of Comfort Food . .. keep your ice cream and chocolate . . give me really good music.

And is it totally scary that I was sitting here listening to Jimmy Eat World when you sent that?? But I was listening to "If You Don't, Don't" on repeat . . . because it just makes sense in this situation.

Chairborne Stranger said...

It's 9 20 in France right now (two hours behind Baghdad time, 1120 here)

auburn said...

I don't know the full story, but it's LOOKING like too little, too late. He's trying to make it huge to compensate.

Girl, KEEP THE DAMN ROSES! It's not like you ASKED him to waste his money on them. And they do need some loving and admiring, which Chris just won't be able to hack.

If it was a guy i'd just met, shared something with or was genuinely interested in seeing again, i'd be wowed. If it's someone trying to dig himself out of a hole...nah...

If you wanna forward some of the bewdiful black roses my way, i would LOVES YA:) *drool*

auburn said...

It's 8.23am in Oz right now. I hate timezones. I go to bed and miss so much in blogland.

meghansdiscontent said...

Auburn - Girlie, you are welcome to the roses! I wish I could get them to you before they wilted. I will dry them and put them in one of the guest rooms in the hopes that you will one day come claim them.

As for the timezone thing, chicky, it's 3:30 PM here. . . you didn't miss too much. While you were sleeping, most of us SHOULD HAVE been working. :) Granted, I blogged and commented while working, so I cheated.

angel, jr. said...

I think all of us males should just be content with the fact that we can't dance--and leave it at that.

Steph said...

No amount of expensive flowers can make up for that lame ass comment about the condoms. What a dickhead he is. Sure keep the flowers, and anything he tries to give you to redeem himself. Just don't let him get his hands on your bootay! he don't deserve to even kiss your feet, let alone anything else.

janestarr said...

Okay, I'm late on this one. But I think it has all been said: the man's shady and flowers (although lovely) are too little, too late. Meg, seriously, you deserve sooo much better than this guy, and yes, men can be just as manipulative as women. People just want what they want.

As for your bro, poor kid, just tell him to keep his feet planted when dancing, none of this two stepping, and to work on moving the hips, that's where the rhythm is. Hey tell him to watch Footloose, good training there! Ha!

Ang said...

and I am even later...

How could we forget Metalicca??

I am going to echo what has already been said, just to add some moral support.

First off, if you can, enjoy the flowers, they are bought and paid for, and no point going to waste, if not bring them to an old folks home or something, someone might as well enjoy them...

Second, what he said was beyond forgivable...it was not just about condoms, it was insensitive to something that you are more than likely going to be be at least a senstive about. Instead of being supportive he was callous and crude - not worth your precious time my lovely girl....you deserve someone who will take what is soft and treat it with tenderness and care!!!

Walter said...

He didn't pay a fortune for the Black Roses when everyone knows the exchange rate between the dollar and franc is like 11 to 1 in favor of the US dollar. Okay, I'm bullsheeeting, but I have a feeling I know where this is going even though I haven't fast forwarded and jumped to the last post but been a good little blogger and started from the beginning.