Thursday, November 17, 2005

For Auburn

To my new friend who helps the elderly, is following the path she believes she needs to take and has introduced me to my Japanese name:

The Golden Heart

As you already know, I received it as a birthday gift.
And as much as we loved each other, I could never sacrifice for him.
I will always blame it on my youth and believing I was tied to where I was.
He wanted me to be with him.
But I had school and scholarships and family.
And he had a job in Canada.
I am still completely head over heels in love with him.
I have been since before I even knew what the feeling was.
I fear I always will be.
But our time has long since passed.
He is currently in Canada, married and has a new baby boy who is adorable beyond all reason.
He lets his son "type to me" sometimes.
He even sent me a video of his son typing to prove it truly was him. :)

Am I sad about what I know I've lost forever?
Do I begrudge it in any way?
No. I know he is happy and I have no way of knowing that I could have ever made him happy. I know (at least I think I know) that I couldn't have given him a son; and that seems to be what he derives the most happiness from at this time in his life.

We are still friends.
I talk to him as we can.
I haven't told him that I'm still in love with him.
I did tell him once before, when he was engaged to another woman.
I broke down and cried to him and told him how I always thought I would be the one wearing his ring.
He left her at the altar.
I don't delude myself that it was for me.
It was just that he knew it wasn't right for him to be with her.
But I would never tell him how I feel now.
He knows I love him, but he (I think) believes that love is the love we all have for our friends. That is how I want him to think. I don't want him to feel like he failed me in any way. And I want to come to terms with the fact that my not leaving my life for his was not failing him.

And there ya go. The sum up of the golden heart situation.


trueborn said...

Wow darlin, that is rough. I'm not gonna give you the spiel of it is better to have yadda yadda yadda. I think that who ever originally said that had never been in love. There are two things that I know of that make it easier: The first is Time. It tends to heal alot of wounds, even the ones we think will never heal.
The second I found out to be lots and lots of chocolate. Mmmmmm hersheys.
I wish I could tell you something else, but I can't. A beautiful Charlie Kaufman movie came out a year or so ago it's called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and its one of those movies that hits you between the eyes if you've ever been in love.
Give it a spin, maybe a cry, and pick up some choclate.

Steph said...

Ohhh babe, that made me so sad :(. Massive amounts of hugs for you. Wish i could say something wise. I can't.I hope you find that happiness again. You deserve to more than most.

Jenni said...

That post left me a little breathless. Like the wind was let outta my sails.

auburn said...

Oh honey...

I got shivery and felt winded at the same time then.

Thankyou so much for sharing. I know it's hard to put stuff like that into words on cue. Situations like that, just 'are'. So hard to comprehend, impossible to explain, but also impossible to keep inside.

You are a fantastic, wise, intelligent and special person, and you deserve a whole world of happiness. Just think, there is a REASON you are not with 'Gold Heart'. Someone else exists to make you the happiest and most fulfilled you can be.

I have love like that in my past/present heart. Time does help, and the aching will turn to a fond acceptance.

Sending a thousand and one telepathic hugs...xo

meghansdiscontent said...

True - Thanks for the thoughts. I own the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (but have NEVER seen it, it's like that with a lot of movies) and will try and find a spare minute this weekend to watch it. The sad songs always help though. As for crying, if I shed one more tear for him, I don't know that I'll ever be able to stop crying . . . but thanks, none the less.

Steph - Sorry for making you sad! I don't want to think about you being sad for me, it's probably all for the best, as Auburn notes below. Thanks for the thoughts though!

Jenni - Hope your wind is back soon, I always love your comments. Also, reading your blog and how well things have worked out for you and the love of your life, gives me hope!

Auburn - Truth? I don't know that time can ever help this one. It's been . . oh wow, since I first loved him - - at least 12 years. And it's been at least 5 since we were any where close to romantically linked. I think it's something that will have to be pushed out of my heart by a new soul. Which will be even harder . . . because how can I open my heart to someone else if there's a man in there taking up all the space?? But it will work out, I know it will.

As for the sharing - Anytime girlie! You name it, it's yours for the reading. As I said at the beginning of the list - any questions, concerns, comments . . . ask and I shall elaborate at length. It was hard, but sharing it actually helped a lot.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Well, being in the Army and all, I'm learning to appreciate all of these girl blogs and how cool chicks are. To think that I'd forgotten in a few months. That was really touching.

Army dudes would be like-aw, shut up, let's get you drunk then.

This is much more soothing, I think. Good luck with your broken heart.

meghansdiscontent said...

Chair - SO GLAD that you are safe and sound. We all got pretty worried for a while.

Army dudes can be surprisingly sweet and gentle - see my lists and the one about the Army guy saving me from crying myself dry on a flight. Give your fellow men a little credit! :)

Thanks for the good luck . . . the heart has slowly moved from smashed into millions of pieces to super-glued into a semblance of an organ and is now slowly beating.

Ang said...

I have "seen you around", but this is my first time stopping in (I am supposed to be writing a paper).

That was beautiful and sad - but hopeful. You are probably right by saying that it will take another soul to fully recover - but until then allow yourself to be sad, and also know that you have the sad because of something beautiful that I bet you wouldnt trade for anything.

Adam said...

This is heartbreakingly beautiful. We all get so caught up in the now, who knows the longlasting impact we have on people....

meghansdiscontent said...

Ang - Thanks for the drop by! I've read your stuff a few times but never commented, unsure why not, I will from now on. Thanks for the kind words! And you're right, I wouldn't trade one second of it for anything else in this world.

Adam - Adam is good, Adam is wise. I recently found out that I touched someone beyond measure . . and I never even knew this person's name until now. It's VERY odd.