To my new friend who helps the elderly, is following the path she believes she needs to take and has introduced me to my Japanese name:
The Golden Heart
As you already know, I received it as a birthday gift.
And as much as we loved each other, I could never sacrifice for him.
I will always blame it on my youth and believing I was tied to where I was.
He wanted me to be with him.
But I had school and scholarships and family.
And he had a job in Canada.
I am still completely head over heels in love with him.
I have been since before I even knew what the feeling was.
I fear I always will be.
But our time has long since passed.
He is currently in Canada, married and has a new baby boy who is adorable beyond all reason.
He lets his son "type to me" sometimes.
He even sent me a video of his son typing to prove it truly was him. :)
Am I sad about what I know I've lost forever?
Do I begrudge it in any way?
No. I know he is happy and I have no way of knowing that I could have ever made him happy. I know (at least I think I know) that I couldn't have given him a son; and that seems to be what he derives the most happiness from at this time in his life.
We are still friends.
I talk to him as we can.
I haven't told him that I'm still in love with him.
I did tell him once before, when he was engaged to another woman.
I broke down and cried to him and told him how I always thought I would be the one wearing his ring.
He left her at the altar.
I don't delude myself that it was for me.
It was just that he knew it wasn't right for him to be with her.
But I would never tell him how I feel now.
He knows I love him, but he (I think) believes that love is the love we all have for our friends. That is how I want him to think. I don't want him to feel like he failed me in any way. And I want to come to terms with the fact that my not leaving my life for his was not failing him.
And there ya go. The sum up of the golden heart situation.