I am not myself right now.
I don't know who or what I am, but I am not the person I know myself to be.
I can't decide right now if I want to cry, hit something or simply cease.
Sit down, stop breathing and stop hiding from the hurt that has been building in me.
I have NO idea what has brought this about.
I found myself on the treadmill at the gym tonight trying not to scream.
Scream and scream and scream until my throat was raw and my words were gone.
I still functioned.
I still hugged Matt and Brad goodnight.
I kissed Crystal's cheek and swore to call her as soon as I was home tomorrow - to go to the gym again.
I called Beachgirl back and carried on the same conversation I always carry.
But inside it felt like the wall that had protected me for years had split right down the middle.
I felt something spilling through the break.
It didn't rush, it didn't flow, it just oozed.
It was slow and aching.
I got home and tried to be normal.
I threw a CD in the disc player and cranked it up.
I did work related things and checked emails and blogs.
I ignored my ringing phone.
I couldn't stand the thought of faking speech.
Faking action is so much easier.
I just wanted to be quiet.
If I couldn't be quiet inside, I could out.
My brother came over.
I hugged him and talked as little as possible.
It wasn't that hard, he was on his own phone to his harem most of the time.
I hugged him goodbye and saw him out the door.
I locked it and collapsed.
I sat on the cold hard ground and cried until I couldn't breathe.
Then I got in the shower and cried some more.
And then I screamed.
I screamed and screamed and prayed the stereo was loud enough that my neighbors wouldn't run to check on me.
I turned off everything in the house and got in bed.
But I couldn't sleep.
I just . . hurt.
It's just hormones, it's just the drugs, it's just stress, it's just everything.
I'll be perfect in the morning.
I always am.
And I'll regret posting this.