Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Stream of Consciousness

I am not myself right now.
I don't know who or what I am, but I am not the person I know myself to be.
I can't decide right now if I want to cry, hit something or simply cease.
Just cease.
Sit down, stop breathing and stop hiding from the hurt that has been building in me.
I have NO idea what has brought this about.
I found myself on the treadmill at the gym tonight trying not to scream.
Just scream.
Scream and scream and scream until my throat was raw and my words were gone.
I still functioned.
I still hugged Matt and Brad goodnight.
I kissed Crystal's cheek and swore to call her as soon as I was home tomorrow - to go to the gym again.
I called Beachgirl back and carried on the same conversation I always carry.
But inside it felt like the wall that had protected me for years had split right down the middle.
I felt something spilling through the break.
It didn't rush, it didn't flow, it just oozed.
It was slow and aching.

I got home and tried to be normal.
I threw a CD in the disc player and cranked it up.
I did work related things and checked emails and blogs.
I ignored my ringing phone.
I couldn't stand the thought of faking speech.
Faking action is so much easier.
I just wanted to be quiet.
If I couldn't be quiet inside, I could out.

My brother came over.
I hugged him and talked as little as possible.
It wasn't that hard, he was on his own phone to his harem most of the time.
I hugged him goodbye and saw him out the door.
I locked it and collapsed.
I sat on the cold hard ground and cried until I couldn't breathe.
Then I got in the shower and cried some more.
And then I screamed.
I screamed and screamed and prayed the stereo was loud enough that my neighbors wouldn't run to check on me.

I turned off everything in the house and got in bed.
But I couldn't sleep.
I just . . hurt.

It's just hormones, it's just the drugs, it's just stress, it's just everything.
I'll be perfect in the morning.
I always am.
And I'll regret posting this.


Steph said...

Oh babe, so wish i could do/say something to make you feel better. Just know I'm thinking of you and sending you happy thoughts and cyber hugs. Hope you feel better in the morning.

janestarr said...

I have often felt an overwhelming sense of grief sometimes, and not always can I identify the source. It just feels like the pressure is mounting and I have to wait for the trigger to release it all. Sometimes, you have to let it go, even if you don't know what you are letting go of. Good luck, good night, and see you in the morning.

trueborn said...

Honey, I know all about that. Wouldn't it be so much easier to do..blah. Nothing. Just give in little and just be able to cut the world out? Wouldn't it be nice just to be held an fall asleep without asking for anything, and saying nothing at all.
I've been there.
I'm a guy. Says here in the handbook that I'm not allowed to cry (tho Forrest Gump got me, and that damn Extreme Home makeover gets me every week, but I digress).
Being a guy I have to learn to cover over these mudhole in my soul, instead of giving them voice with a scream. I envy that. I think thats why us men die earlier. We never really let the wounds heal, those mudholes never really fill back in, and in the end we are pockmarked by our own inadequacies. That is what kills us, more than anything else. Sure they say its your heart, but thats only because we've put such a strain on it for so long that its forgotten how to heal.
You on the other hand will heal. It will get better.
It always does.
One of my favorite movies is Castaway, and while I hate the ending, I love what Tom Hanks character says about breathing in and out, and realizing that tomorrow something wonderful may happen.
So here are a few more songs for you to get you there.
1. Distractions -Zero 7
2. I Try -Macey Gray
3. I Alone -Live
4. I'm the Only One -Melissa Etheridge
5. Closer to Fine -Indigo Girls
6. This Line -P.J. Harvey
7. Muzzle -Smashing Pumpkins
8. Honestly -Zwan
9. Take My Hand -Dido
10. Trigger Hippie -Morcheeba
11. It's Alright -Candlebox
12. Moonlight Kiss -Bap Kennedy
13. Northern Sky -Nick Drake

This'll have to tide you over til then. Comfort food via the your blog, what could be sweeter?
Have a good night.

Ang said...

Don't regret posting, that is why we do this!!

I have to agree with janestarr - sometime we have to let go. Sometimes we need to break down so we can build up anew. Hormones, meds or not, this is how you are feeling and don't belittle it!

Cry, scream, laugh, dance, hug, break things... let go!!!

Big Love Babe!!!

beachgirl said...

Oh precious girl.... Sometimes life overwhelms us and sometimes it just really helps to cry, scream, or whatever... Let it out.. I told you last night that I think you are beautiful!! Your spirit is beautiful- I thank God that I met you... what a true blessing you are- to so many... We are all here for you...
I'm still willing to meet ya in Memphis this weekend- better yet, you should come to NASHvegas!!
I love ya girl!!

Eunuch said...

Babydoll, you're friends are here for you, no matter where they are or how long you've known them. Best of luck...

Jenni said...

Those feelings are so awful. When you come out of your slump, do something special just for you. And think of all the bloggers out there who love you vicariously through your blog. Love is love, ya know...even if it's from invisible people.

Dirk the Feeble said...

You had the stereo on so loud that the neighbors didn't hear you screaming? I think perhaps you need to take better care of your eardrums.

mrshife said...

Well, indeed I do hope you feel better. And let it all you out, we don't mind being your scratching posts.

beachgirl said...

Precious girl, please let us know if you're feeling a little better...

We love you..

Chairborne Stranger said...

Well I can't really add anything that has been said-EXCEPT you rock and get better soon!

PS OK, I can add something-this is calle going crazy and I do it about once a week. It's AOK. No worries. If everyone was sane in the world, it would be so boring. Also, the best thing to do at this time is to find something and shoot it. that helps, a lot!!

meghansdiscontent said...

Steph - Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just knowing you care makes me feel better.

Janestarr - Exactly. I do that too, at least bi-weekly, but this was just so completely consuming. The only time I can remember being this bad was when my ex was killed. I have no idea what triggered it, but once I was sure I was alone, I went with it.

True - I would have killed for that last night. You nailed it! I just wanted to be held. No words. Just hold me. Male, female, old, young, whatever, who-ever. I just wanted to be in someone's arms. And you can SO cry . . and if you need someone to hold you, call me. It's not that far a drive. And the song list - amazing. I can always count on you.

Ang - I didn't get your advice until I had already followed it! :) Umm . . . let's just say, I'm missing a few dishes from what was my pristine 24 piece set.

Eunuch - Thank you, it means more than you know.

Jenni - Yep, after discovering the cause of the mental breakdown, I followed your advice as well. I have a brand new pair of strappy heels. Granted, I can't wear them for a while . .. but damn, they're gorgeous.

Arm - Uh, yeah, probably.

Shife - Thank you, doll! But don't let me scratch too deeply. Hurting me is one thing, but hurting you guys can never be allowed.

Beach - sorry, work was hell, as you could probably tell from the whole "movement" piece.

Chair - Thank you, SIR. As for the going crazy part, I try and keep mine under wraps . . normally. But I let you all in on it this time. As for shooting things -- can I shoot cats? I hate cats. I'm sorry to you cat lovers, but I do. They suck.