Thursday, December 29, 2005

A Christmas Story Sans a Pink Nightmare But with a Fish

Hi kids!!
Didja miss me?
I missed the hell outta you guys.
Which is odd, but we’ll save that for a different post.
I promise to catch up to all your blogs, as best I can, as soon as possible.
But I'm still flooded with family here . . and having a blast, but it leaves very little time for internetting about.

So, I’ve received both emails and comments clamoring for fun Christmas stories . . . and I’m torn on what to post.

On the one hand, the one about my father is HILarious, but it is entirely possible that it’s only THAT funny because I was there and he’s my dad and you had to see his face.

On the other hand is ANOTHER story about how my family is pressuring me to get married. Hmm, works for now:

Christmas evening.
Less than all the family, thank God, is gathered at my aunt’s house.
We have a MINUSCULE 32 people at the house for Christmas.
That is truly tiny. At last count, my dad’s side of the family has 71 people. Actually, more than that if you count . . . never mind. You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Welcome to the South.

My grandmother hugs my neck as we are about to leave and then immediately starts in:

“Meghan Louise, you do realize that you are the last granddaughter I have who is not married? Hell, Meg, my great-granddaughters are married. Why do you keep playin hard to get? When are you gonna let one of those young men catch you?”

By this time, I have had IT. I am UP TO HERE with being told to get married, procreate, build a fence, buy a dog and live that American Dream. For the love of Buddha people!!! I am 25, not 45!!! I have plenty of time. And unfortunately I take the past 4 hours of being told to do these things out on my poor Mamaw:

“Mamaw, I am NOT a Rainbow Trout! I am a woman! With her own business, a house, a nice vehicle, a future! I am not something that needs to be dragged out of the river by a big ole burly man! But . . . if it’s that much of a concern to you, tell ya what, start looking for me a big ole burly man. And if you find the one with the biggest pole, I’ll let him reel me out of the water on his hook! Does that work for everyone?” (notice the double entendre there . . . big pole . . . ha ha ha, right? - possibly completely inappropriate for my 80 yr old grandmother)

By the end of my little tirade, I’m screaming. I don’t mean for this to happen, but for Pete’s sake, the whole damn family had been hammering at me for the last 4 hours! And it’s not like I enjoy watching my younger cousins with their spouses and babies. Yes, admittedly, sometimes when I’m around all of them, I feel like a failure and I get on the defensive. What is wrong with me that I haven’t wanted to settle down yet?? But most of the time, MOST of the time, I feel perfectly happy and justified in the life I have. Every once in a while though, I have to take out my anger at being jealous and being nailed to the wall by 30 family members about my marital status out on someone.

But, this story is not over.

10 minutes later, my shit wit cousin’s friend (who knows why he was at our Christmas gathering, but we loved having him - - he’s a hoot) comes strolling up the sidewalk with a Rod and Reel. Apparently he had gotten one for Christmas and it was out in his truck.

“Meg, this a big enough pole for ya?”
“Oh bite me.”

The End.

22 comments:

angel, jr. said...

Yeah, those kinds of questions are exactly why I don't like gatherings.

Coyote Mike said...

My family doesn't ask me those type questions, usually cuz I give them a very smart-ass answer that makes them look bad.

Besides, we can't get married until you send me a bus ticket down there ;)

trueborn said...

Welcome back stranger!
Ah the pressure form family.
Welcome to my world.
Thankfully my unmarried older sister takes the brunt of it, but I get enough of it myself these days to qualify as a nuisance.
Hope you're having a great day.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

ahhaahahaha!! That is SO funny. Not the pressuring from the family, but the fishing rod thing.
Girl you don't need to be married yet. I say this because a) it's true and b) I'm 25 and not married either so damnit we don't have to be!
It's also a generation thing. When our parents and grandparents were younger it was the norm to be married at 20. I can't even imagine having gotten married at 20! I was and am still a kid damnit. Well, I'm a woman when I want to be and a kid when I want to be and that's how it should be and you don't need to be hearing crap about hurrying up but it's inevitable family is gonna be like that.
It reminds me of Bridget Jones' Diary so much. The way she felt at every family gathering - when the Marrieds would get on the Singletons.

Bone said...

You are right, you do have plenty of time. I get the same thing, but sometimes will also have a relative or two that'll say something like, "Be smart. Don't ever get married."

I think the holidays are the toughest time being single. I'm like you, I'm fine with it most of the time. My cousin told me Christmas Eve that he is proposing to his girlfriend New Year's Eve. He was pretty much the last cousin of age, other than me, who wasn't married.

Oh well. I'm off to find a fishin' pole ;-)

beachgirl said...

Oh precious girl(s)!!! You and buggy ARE still young and YES you have plenty of time!! But try being 30 and still single.. My mother was laying on thick over the holidays..but I'm her baby, her ONLY baby so I guess I can understand..

Meg- don't fuss too much at your Mammaw, she's old and has the right to fuss.. My mammaw did the same thing to me before she died... God love her!!

Sounds like you might have some potential suitors here though... One will cost you a bus ticket and the other's from Alabama... I think I'd spring for the bus ticket! Bone, I'm just kidding with ya, it's a Tennessee/Bama thing, I'm sure you understand!!

pk said...

Meghan, I see a couple possibilities here.

1) Get Married! YOu are 25 for Pete's sake

2) Tell everyone in the family you are a lesbian and it's not possible for you to be legally married

Or my favorite

3) Bring a male friend/pretend fiance to the next family gathering and have him act like a complete ass. Have him treat you and your family horribly. Let them know the pressure of marrying has made you settle. That should stop the pressure quickly

So how big was that pole?

Rolligun said...

Good, glad to have you back.

I'm gonna leave now, but I'll be back to post later.

Lizzie said...

Your family sounds hilarious!

I'm with you on the feeling pressure from the family thing. As soon as I mention a guy to my mom, she immediately says "I have a good feeling about this one" and asks me what his last name is so she can see how it sounds with my first name.

meghansdiscontent said...

Angel, Jr. - I feel your pain. Obviously.

Coyote Mike - Gosh, already making me pay for everything. Wait, I think I've had that relationship . . .

Trueborn - Hey there, gorgeous! Thanks for the welcome and the empathy.

Laurie - AMEN! And have to love Helen Fielding.

Bone - I get the "Be smart, don't ever get married" statements from my mother. MY MOTHER?? Do you have any idea how many questions this puts in my head . . . especially since she's been married to my daddy for 27 years?? Honey, get that pole and come on over . . .I know all about Alabama boys' poles. Remind me to tell you about a bachelorette party sometime . . :) Bama boys' poles are welcome anytime, but keep your elephants tides in your state. :)

Beachgirl - I know, I know . . I was mean to mamaw, but she was driving me batty. I made it up to her, I promise. As for potential suitors . . hmm hmm hmm. Bus tickets are cheap and Bama's a hop, skip and a jump.

PK - Oh holy buddha. Nuff said.
Oh oh and the pole was plenty big enough . . unfortunately the tadpole sportin' it was just a bit too young for my tastes.

Rolli - good to be back, crowbar. Looking forward to your post.

Lizzie - Honey, you have no idea. I may just be forced to post the daddy story tomorrow. YOU, if no one else, will appreciate it. And babe, your mom is seriously jonesing for grandkids and stability for her daughter . . watch your back! :)

Drunken Chud said...

heh. i am the oldest of the cousins/grandkids at 26... ish... and i constantly get bombarded with the marriage question. which is funny, cuz my one cousin had been dating a guy for 6 years (all through college and the last two years of high school) and was on track to be the first one married and then she got dumped. but, in recent months i have been taking care of my grandma and grandpa (meemaw and papa to me), and EVERY DAY my grandfather tells me never to get married. of course whenever i leave the house at 11pm meemaw tries to stop me, and then there's usually talk about how she was married for 6 years by the time she was my age. and i laugh and leave. but seriously, why is marriage so big to these people?

Coyote Mike said...

Damn the Smug Marrieds!!

Long live the Singletons!!!

Yes I love the books, but hated the movies.

There, I said it. whatcha gonna do?

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Coyote Mike, you are my new friend.

Coyote Mike said...

See, I can make friends. Screw you, kindergarten report card!!!

janestarr said...

Ahh, luckily I only get reemed by my grandmother. She has informed me that I will never find a husband if I don't learn to cook. At 26 it looks more and more bleek that the kitchen will become my kingdom, but...I know good places to go to eat, isn't that good enough? Good luck Meg!

ps. I really like PK's suggestion that you bring a new fiance that then acts like a total ass that would be sooo freakin funny

Steph said...

You are so far from Loserville it aint even funny! I'm sure your family, like mine. just want to see you settled down so they don't have to worry about you anymore. My dad is offering an expensive dowry and four horses for the one who wants to marry me! Bahahahaha! Does wonders for the self esteem hey.

Eunuch said...

This Thanksgiving was the first time my folks got to tell the whole family that I was divorced at 29...yeah, lovely.

But, I gotta go with what PK said...either go with the lesbian or fake fiance. You can guess which one I would prefer you lean towards!

Rolligun said...

Meghan,
do you all wear name tags when you get together? Your family is huge!
What about presents, do you take out annual mortages?

As for the marriage thing...why should a queen even consider the thought, she all ready gets everything she wants, so what's the point. I think your family is just so big that some of them forgot about your royal essence.

meghansdiscontent said...

Drunken Chud - I wish I knew. I truly don't think that marriage is the End All, Be All of my life. I'm perfectly happy where I am.

Coyote Mike - I'm going to agree with it. Can I do that? Or are you gonna take offense? :)

Laurie - As long as he's just your friend. Remember, he's mine for the price of a bus ticket. I get "sloppy firsts".

Coyote Mike - Damn the man.

Janestarr - Of COURSE that's good enough!! You don't need to learn how to cook .. . trust me. I am a KILLER cook (if I do say so myself) and NEVER cook unless forced because . . . I KNOW I WILL EAT ALL OF IT! Badness. As for PK's suggestion, kids - I tried it. I really have. At my cousin's wedding last year. I just think they were all so relieved that I REALLY did like men (spinsters like me get termed lesbian after SO long alone) that they didn't care that he was an ass.

Steph - Oh honey! It would serve them all right if we married someone who beat us . . . then they'd be sorry they pushed so hard.

Eunuch - Sweetie, there is little to no shame in divorce. Particularly YOURS. And I can say that . . . because I know the circumstances. And Eunuch, hun, if your girlfriend has much to say in the matter . . . I may BE a lesbian before the weekend is out! She stopped a huge conversation amongst three men DEAD last night at the mere mention of my being her lesbian test dummy. Holy Buddha. If you're looking for us - call the Faulkner County lock up tomorrow night. If that fails, try Pulaski County.

Rolli - Leather Whip, we don't wear nametags because they're not needed. Helllloooo, we're from the South . . . everyone is Sugar, Baby, Honey and Chile, no need for individualization. My family is obscenely large. I keep wondering if someone forgot to tell us we're Catholic. As for presents - on dad's side of the family, we buy only one. Ten dollar limit. And throw it in the game and play dirty Santa. With that many people . . . oh holy buddha, I don't even want to think about shopping. And you're quite right, of course, my family has obviously forgotten my queenly nature. Why should I ever marry??? He would just be a figurehead. I would hold all the power.

Jenni said...

I think I'd have taken the pole away and beat him with it. It's fascintating how this society, still after all it's evolution, is of the mindset that a woman must have a man to be complete. BULLSHIT. Revel in your singleness. Learn to let some things your family says go through one ear and out the other. Actually my family would do better to do that more often when I'm talking.

Coyote Mike said...

To quote, er, someone: "Like private parts to the gods are we, they fiddle with us for their pleasure."

I don't know how this fits anything other than your comment that you get me for sloppy firsts.

ok, I'm weird.

Dorothy said...

I understand your pain. My son once sat on Santa's lap at the church Christmas party and asked for "A Dad, because I really need one". Broke my heart. Then, the well-meaning members of my church "invited" me (one even guiding me by the elbow) to sit on Santa's lap and ask for a husband. I was 28, and divorced. I had been married.
I also went to a college in the mountain west where people are constantly getting married. They even have T-shirts that say "Get your MRS. at BYU" And it happens quickly. I was once proposed to by a guy who heard me singing as he lurked outside my practice room at 6am on a Saturday.(Opera major)I about had a coronary because I was a SOPHOMORE before I got engaged.

So, my advice is you don't need advice. You are handling your life just fine. You'll get married when you meet the guy who "gets" you, who is worthy of you, and who wants to get it right the first time.