Thursday, December 22, 2005

A Humorous Illustration

for Steph, who expressed desire in seeing the greatness of my wonderful brother outside of a sad situation.

One random weekend, my brother and I both made the trek home to visit our parents.
His girlfriend at the time (they had been together almost 4 years) was also traveling home, which means she would spend 25% of her time at her house and 75% at our parents house.
It should be noted that all of our friends always want to be at our house.
There are a variety of reasons for this, but the main ones are these:

1 - My daddy - he's friggin hilarious. He will crack your shit up in a New York minute and you won't even be able to explain why it's funny. He just is.
2 - My momma - she's the dryest wit you will ever meet. Her sarcasm and humor have been my mainstay and characteristics I have idolized for years. Also, that sarcasm is almost always directed at my father or his antics. Which just makes what he does 10 times funnier.
3 - My brother - a disaster on two feet. Much like myself, something is ALWAYS happening to and around that boy. Yet, VERY RARELY does ANYTHING get him down. He's always upbeat, happy, cracking jokes.

My brother's girlfriend, we'll call her Carmen, was a delightful girl who I tried desperately to like, and I succeeded most times. However, she was quite horrid to him early on in their relationship (cheating on him with her ex, keeping her ex in her life to a point of distraction, hurting my brother incessantly) and it was very tough for me to get over that. For the first year of their relationship, when I was home, if she called and I answered I would yell to my brother "The bitch is on the phone." - I know, I'm a wench, I admit it. But I hated her for a long while. You can't hurt my brother and get away with it, only I can do that. It's kind of the "I can kick my dog, but you can't kick my dog" mentality.

Carmen, however, did have a drastic downfall. One which is not excused in my house, because you can not survive if you don't have wit. She wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box. Things would fly completely over her head. It was quite sad, really. We had far too much fun at her expense without her even realizing it. And now, the illustration:

Carmen, Ty, momma, daddy and myself were sitting on the sun porch in the front yard. Daddy and Ty were having some insipid conversation about the squirrels jumping back and forth between the trees over our head.

Completely out of left field . . .

Carmen: I bought this new deoderant. It's got this stripe in it. It's called a power stripe. It really works.

My brother: Where IN THE HELL did that come from?? (obviously referring to the
RANDOM bit of information)

Carmen: (without skipping a beat or batting an eyelash, in completely serious tones) Wal-Mart.

My brother: Oh Holy Hell.

My mom and I are laughing so hard that tears are streaming down our faces. Daddy's trying not to laugh quite as hard, but his success rate is lacking. My brother spends 3 minutes listening to us laugh, rolling his eyes at Carmen and then jumps to her defense:

My brother: Enough. It wasn't that damn funny.

Me: Oh yes, sir E. Bob, it sure as hell was.

My brother: Seriously. You're making her feel bad. Stop it.

I look over and poor Carmen can't decide whether to cry or run off.
And for whatever reason, perhaps I have a cruel personality, this makes me laugh harder.

My brother: I'm going to smack you. I mean it.

Momma: She can't help it! It was funny. We're not laughing AT Carmen, just at the situation.

Carmen: It's okay. I know I said something stupid.

My brother: No, you didn't baby. You just didn't understand the question. They're just mean. Come on, let's go to Baskin Robbins, I'll buy you an ice cream.

Yes, he really did say that.
Scary, it was like living in the fifties.
Mom, dad and I exchanged dumbfounded looks and said all the following questions without words:

Did he just take up for her instead of laughing with us?
When did he achieve that level of maturity?
If they bear children, will they (please God) take after our side of the family?
Is he really taking her for ice cream?
How old school is that?
Think they'd get some for us?

I have a good brother.


Ang said...

You really do!!

You are really making me miss my brother-one of these days I will post about him-but it would have to be a series!

Oswald Croll said...

I love it. Sadly, I am Carmen. Sharp wit, but easily distracted, so I always am caught off gurd and make stupid statements. Luckily, when you get laughed at enough, you get used to it. I learned....that apparently, I am hilarious and just don't know it. Oh, that or I'm an idiot. Could go either way.

Great story.

pk said...

There is nothing better than a family that can laugh together. How does your brother date someone who doesn't have the same sense of humor though?

angel, jr. said...

Hilarious! It's right out of a movie or something written by "National Lampoons".

Trix said...

It sounds to me like you have a wonderful brother...guess it runs in the family!

Funny, funny story.

Chairborne Stranger said...

It sounds like he's a great guy. That's awesome. Brothers rock.

Dorothy said...

I think I am you in a family of "Carmen"s. They just don't get me. I do have a family I fit into, with my husband...but oddly it is my ex-husband's family. His sisters and their husbands are our best friends, and his parents love my husband.

Coyote Mike said...

sounds a bit like my family, but we torture the newbies on purpose. My mom and her sisters, and sisters in law, made the fiance of one of my cousins dance for them. Another had to shake his ass.

My uncles have made some girls blush into bright crimson. Its fun.

beachgirl said...

I can't wait to meet him, live and in person!!
I also cannot wait for our "most fantabulous new year's weekend of beauty and partying"...

Gurrrrll... I'm ready to get my party on!!

trueborn said...

Sounds like a great guy. Ice cream always works:)
If I was having a bad day as a kid my mom would be like.
"Okay who wants ice cream?"

Never ever ever did I turn that down. Few people will.

Drunken Chud said...

sounds a lot like my family, especially the last comment of "think they'd get us some?".

Indiana said...

Old school in the new, new school.

Eunuch said... cream

Adam said...

You have deodorant with a power stripe? What the hell? Does it really work? Really? This is the best thing I've ever heard, we need this stuff in Australia pronto!

janestarr said...

You are a lucky girl with a brother like that. Can he write some notes for my brother ;)

Steph said...

he sounds like an absolute darling! what a sweetie. How old is this brother of yours and is he single??? hehe.

qwer said...

You left out the most important part of the story...did he bring you back some Ice Cream???

Heh, he's a legend. Gotta say, I'm impressed that he stood up for her like that. She would've been screwed if he hadn't, poor girl. lol

Barry S. said...

I understand your mentality. I have a twin brother and we are close as can be. We would fight like crazy but if someone looked cross-eyed at either of us, you were immediately out numbered 2 to 1.
Way to go.
Like Chairborne said, "Brothers rock".
Have a great Christmas!

Heidi said...

Damn, I wish I had siblings like that!

Rolligun said...

I would flourish at one of your family dinners!

Bring Carmen back too!

Yes, your brother was most definately good for her.

meghansdiscontent said...

Ang - GO SEE YOUR BROTHER! It's obvious you miss him. Hell, I miss mine and I was just with him. I can't wait to see him again! (He's already down in my hometown for the holidays)

Os - Oh, honey, I don't think you're a Carmen. You're no idiot.

PK - Don't ask me. He's luckily found one we all LOVE . . . and her sense of humor is JUST LIKE OURS. Hell, she impresses the hell out of me . . she actually finished one of my sentences the other night. The girl's got skillz.

Angel, Jr. - If you only KNEW how many of THESE moments happen in my family daily . . even via phone. It's hilarious. I really should start writing comedy series for TV.

Chairborne - He's a wonderful guy. I hope I am lucky enough to meet someone half as good as him one day. Brothers DO rock!

Sallwood - Even if it's not your own, at least you have a family like that! As my mom tells me all the time "You are a PBS mind in a MTV world." Embrace it!

Coyote Mike - I'm not saying we don't torture the newbies . . . but she'd been with us for 4 years, she should have started fitting in a bit better! Your family sounds like TONS of fun!

Beachgirl - Honey, after your phone conversation with him . . I'm surprised you're waiting til next weekend. You two were cracking my stuff up! AND AMEN!

Trueborn - He's fantabulous. I love him much. He's also wise to the things that heal - music and ice cream! :)

Drunken Chud - Lucky man!

Eunuch - Oh Gosh, hun, get your ass here to Little Rock to see the fam and I will bring you tons of ice cream and some beachg . . . beach, yeah, beach- sand and water.

Adam - Honey, I'll Fedex you some for Valentines! :)

Janestarr - LOL, I am VERY lucky (though sometimes I question it! He can be a real ass, too!). Would you like me to have him jot a few down over the holidays??

Steph - He's amazing. He's 21, almost 22 . . and not currently single - HOWEVER, if he becomes single . . want me to hogtie him until you get here??? I think you two would get on fabulously.

TFS - Nope, no ice cream for the fam. We were mean and bad and didn't deserve any. :) Poor girl, my butt, she needs to get her wits about her!

Barry S. - EXACTLY! I have a funny story about that that I may post someday.

Heidi - I wish all of you had siblings like that. He's great . . . however, if you look in my archives you might find a few stories to contradict that statement. BUT the GOOD of him definitely outweighs the bad. Good days - about 355 Bad days - about 10.

Rolligun - Inviting yourself to family dinners already? (see how I deliberately misread that) And my bubba (short for BROTHER not some Southern yahoo with Big Smith overalls and a piece of hay between his teeth) is definitely good for ANY woman.

qwer said...

Oh come on! You have to pity the less fortunate...even a little bit!

You can't expect Mr T to pity all the fools for you! Although, it would be well within his powers.

Ang said...

I would meghan, but he lives on the other side of the planet at the moment!! Going to see him last summer just about broke me! We talk lots though; he has been a complete and total saviour through my whole heart wrenched out of my body thing!!

Merry Christmas Babe!!

Coyote Mike said...

We are fun, but there are reasons why I have never brought a woman to any of the larger family parties :P