for Steph, who expressed desire in seeing the greatness of my wonderful brother outside of a sad situation.
One random weekend, my brother and I both made the trek home to visit our parents.
His girlfriend at the time (they had been together almost 4 years) was also traveling home, which means she would spend 25% of her time at her house and 75% at our parents house.
It should be noted that all of our friends always want to be at our house.
There are a variety of reasons for this, but the main ones are these:
1 - My daddy - he's friggin hilarious. He will crack your shit up in a New York minute and you won't even be able to explain why it's funny. He just is.
2 - My momma - she's the dryest wit you will ever meet. Her sarcasm and humor have been my mainstay and characteristics I have idolized for years. Also, that sarcasm is almost always directed at my father or his antics. Which just makes what he does 10 times funnier.
3 - My brother - a disaster on two feet. Much like myself, something is ALWAYS happening to and around that boy. Yet, VERY RARELY does ANYTHING get him down. He's always upbeat, happy, cracking jokes.
My brother's girlfriend, we'll call her Carmen, was a delightful girl who I tried desperately to like, and I succeeded most times. However, she was quite horrid to him early on in their relationship (cheating on him with her ex, keeping her ex in her life to a point of distraction, hurting my brother incessantly) and it was very tough for me to get over that. For the first year of their relationship, when I was home, if she called and I answered I would yell to my brother "The bitch is on the phone." - I know, I'm a wench, I admit it. But I hated her for a long while. You can't hurt my brother and get away with it, only I can do that. It's kind of the "I can kick my dog, but you can't kick my dog" mentality.
Carmen, however, did have a drastic downfall. One which is not excused in my house, because you can not survive if you don't have wit. She wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box. Things would fly completely over her head. It was quite sad, really. We had far too much fun at her expense without her even realizing it. And now, the illustration:
Carmen, Ty, momma, daddy and myself were sitting on the sun porch in the front yard. Daddy and Ty were having some insipid conversation about the squirrels jumping back and forth between the trees over our head.
Completely out of left field . . .
Carmen: I bought this new deoderant. It's got this stripe in it. It's called a power stripe. It really works.
My brother: Where IN THE HELL did that come from?? (obviously referring to the
RANDOM bit of information)
Carmen: (without skipping a beat or batting an eyelash, in completely serious tones) Wal-Mart.
My brother: Oh Holy Hell.
My mom and I are laughing so hard that tears are streaming down our faces. Daddy's trying not to laugh quite as hard, but his success rate is lacking. My brother spends 3 minutes listening to us laugh, rolling his eyes at Carmen and then jumps to her defense:
My brother: Enough. It wasn't that damn funny.
Me: Oh yes, sir E. Bob, it sure as hell was.
My brother: Seriously. You're making her feel bad. Stop it.
I look over and poor Carmen can't decide whether to cry or run off.
And for whatever reason, perhaps I have a cruel personality, this makes me laugh harder.
My brother: I'm going to smack you. I mean it.
Momma: She can't help it! It was funny. We're not laughing AT Carmen, just at the situation.
Carmen: It's okay. I know I said something stupid.
My brother: No, you didn't baby. You just didn't understand the question. They're just mean. Come on, let's go to Baskin Robbins, I'll buy you an ice cream.
Yes, he really did say that.
Scary, it was like living in the fifties.
Mom, dad and I exchanged dumbfounded looks and said all the following questions without words:
Did he just take up for her instead of laughing with us?
When did he achieve that level of maturity?
If they bear children, will they (please God) take after our side of the family?
Is he really taking her for ice cream?
How old school is that?
Think they'd get some for us?
I have a good brother.