Sunday, December 11, 2005

I Am Being Punished . . .

For not appreciating my family.

Everyone has left.
Thank Heavens, right?
Wrong.

I decide, since everyone is finally gone, to start on the HUGE pile of work I've let stack up since Wednesday. ALL of which requires a printer.
My Epson All-In-One is a gift from the Gods.
I adore it.
It does everything I need it to do, plus some.
Unless I need it to.

I have about, oh, 28 pages of Medicaid Progress Notes to print out and fax to Medicaid, the treatment company I contracted these kids through and my employee so she knows where these kids are IN CASE she has to see them some this week since I'm not up to par.
Hook up USB cable between printer and laptop - CHECK
Turn on printer - CHECK
Hit Print - CHECK
PRINT - Umm, nope, sorry

First page prints all jacked up.
Missing portions of ink and such.
Easy to fix - have the system clean the print heads.
I go through this 9 times and nothing changes.
Screw it, just replace $100 worth of cartridges.
Throw all the old ones in the trash.
Repeat printing process.

Only this time, NOTHING prints.
NOTHING.
No empty "spaces" just ENTIRELY EMPTY SHEET.

Okay, look, I admit I am COMPLETELY technologically impaired.
If, one day, some poor boy marries me, he will discover it is his responsibility to do all things regarding computers and printers.
I can handle TVs, VCRs, DVRs, DVD players, DVD burners, ANYTHING except computers and printers.
And until I find said-boy, I use my friend's husbands.
I immediately call Matt.

Me: "Matt . . . HELP!"
laughing Matt: "What's wrong, Meghan?"
Me (high panicky NOT pretty voice): "My printer has decided to hate me!"
laughing Matt: "Honey, that doesn't happen. Printers don't have feelings. What's it doing?"
Me (note of panic a bit higher): "I have all these things that needed to be done like yesterday and I can't print ANY of them and there is NO ink on the paper and I don't know what's going on and I need help NOW NOW NOW."
guffawing Matt: "Brian and I are on our way back home from Little Rock, we can stop by and look at it and see what we can do."
Me: "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you." and mentally thinking thank GOD "Ruby" married someone who majored in something computeresque.

WHOLE NEW FREAK OUT MODE

Mental monologue - Thank God, thank God, Matt's going to fix everything, I know it.
Oh shit.
Wait.
Uhh. . . .
Did Matt say he and BRIAN were coming.
Brian.
Umm . .. hottie Brian A. or not cute Brian E.
Uh oh.
Bound to be hottie Brian A.
Hottie Brian A. whom I would never do anything with because he's slept with anything that walks and wears a skirt.
Gorgeous Brian A. that I have been semi-obsessed with since Sophomore year of college.
Yeah, I know I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole, but do I want ANYONE attractive seeing me at this moment???

ME AT THIS MOMENT
Black silk pajamas with light pink pin-striping.
Hair pulled into a ponytail almost completely on top of my head.
No make-up at ALL save some Carmex on my chapped lips.
Lightly dazed look in my eyes from a combination of shell-shock from a weekend with the family, pain pills and freak-out about printer.
Fuzzy pink slippers given as a gift from my grandmother this weekend.
House relatively trashed because my family, who loves me, leaves everything out because they don't know where anything goes.

Uh oh.
Spring from the bed.
Spend 3 minutes in tears because I sprung a little too hard and parts HURT.
Rush to closet.
Grab a pair of chinos, white long sleeve pima shirt, clover green deep V-neck cashmere sweater, khaki polo hat (because the hair is BEYOND saving, just gonna have to stick the ponytail out the back of the hat and hope I come off as cute and playful), scrub face clean of any and all dirt, slap on a touch of blusher, a bit of eyeliner and a pale pink lipgloss.
Presentable, right?

Throw EVERYTHING that's anywhere in the house into a closet.
Cry from exerting so much effort after being carried everywhere all weekend.
Retouch makeup again.

Think: Why the hell are you doing this???????? Matt's happily married and a great friend - he doesn't care what you look like. Brian has no hope of ever laying a hand on you and probably could care less if you look like you were just run over with a dump truck.

And yet, I am sitting here wondering . . . instead of typing this all out on the blog, should I be putting on some perfume?

I'm blaming this on Southern raising.
WHY do we Southern belles constantly have to be prettied up?
Can't, just once, I let these boys see me in PJ's and a ponytail.

NOPE.
And there's the doorbell.

24 comments:

janestarr said...

Honey, don't fret, it isn't just a southern belle thing. It is just a matter of having yourself together, we can deal better when you got the eyeliner on and a pair of real pants. Just how it goes.

Though, I thought the PJ outfit sounded cute. Where did you get black silk pj's with pink stripes? The problem I have with PJ is that they are never long enough...or they shrink after washing...maybe I am shopping the wrong venues.

Rolligun said...

I don't even put a shirt on when people come over.

My visitors see me half naked, get a beer, and leave with dog hair hanging off their ass.

I am sure you created better surroundings than that.

Kate said...

I'm with you on the southern thing. It comes from my Mom who dresses up to go to the grocery store. "You never know who you'll run into." And you know what.....she's right!

qwer said...

I agree with Jane, that outfit did sound cute...hell, I'd actively encourage a girlfriend to wear that sorta thing on a lazy Sunday at home if she could pull it off...honestly, sometimes a girl can be more appealing without makeup...

qwer said...

Oh and the pony tail thing, with or without the hat...still cute!

trueborn said...

I second TFS on both the outfit and the makeup. That PJ outfit sounds hot. Who wouldn't want to see you in that?

Ang said...

So what happened? cute or not cute Brian?

I have been known to take the garbage down, and then proceed to take the dog around the block in PJ bottoms and a t-shirt. Although I live somewhere where people point and stare at the best of times.

meghansdiscontent said...

Janestarr - Exactly. I just felt more presentable in a bit of makeup and some real clothes. Otherwise it was too . . personal and appealing.

LOVE my PJs - they were a gift from a friend, I have NO idea where he got them. . .sorry to disappoint. :(

Rolligun - LOL, sounds like my kind of house . . to visit. Just not a show I could put on myself.

Kate - Amen. ONCE, just ONCE, I ran into Wal-Mart to get a spade when I had been landscaping. I was in an old pair of workout shorts, a sports bra, a swim team tank top and a pair of flip flops. No make-up, covered in dirt and sweat. I ran into at least 8 people I knew . . . 4 of which I hadn't seen in 2 or more years. I bet I made a hell of an impression.

TFS - Kiddo, the outfit was adoreable, however it was much too personal for this guy. . . it made me feel like I was meeting up with someone I was VERY close to and going back to bed with them. THAT is not something I wanted ANYONE thinking, let alone myself!

And the ponytail - good God. What is it with you boys and ponytails?? My guy friends feel the need to pull at mine in the gym all the time. What's going on there???

True - LOL, when I meet a guy that I trust to be around in my PJs, I'll answer the door like that, however, until then - I want some coverage!!

Steph said...

Don't leave us hanging!! what happened???? Gahhhhh!!!!!!!

qwer said...

Well, it's not all pony tails...and it depends on the girl. Preferably brunette, with the two strands of hair framing her face and a short pony tail...I go weak at the knees. Give the girl a fetching pair of glasses and I'm absolute fucking putty in her hands!

meghansdiscontent said...

Steph, my dear, I'm assuming you mean with the printer. :)

Queen - Another One Bites the Dust.
This is the third All-In-One printer that is now resting in my closet. Durnit.

Anyone have any sage advice about a KILLER copy machine/printer/fax that won't suffer an early death??

Oh, wait, you probably meant with Brian . . . Umm, NOTHING. Mild flirting, heavy consoling for the loss of the printer, offers to take me to Office Depot to pick out a new one, and that's all folks. I told you, this boy is dirty. HOT but probably has a host of critters keeping his snake company in his boxer briefs.

meghansdiscontent said...

TFS - dangit, you snuck in.
Hmm . . I have the brunette hair (thank you, Alana, the most fantabulous hair stylist on the planet), definitely had a few strands curling around my face, ponytail isn't short but it's not long either . . .umm. . my hair's a bit past shoulder length, so about a 5"-7" ponytail. No glasses, but I do have a beautificous pair of fashion glasses I bought as a joke. Black frames with rhinestone dazzles by the eyes. I NEVER wear them, but I might be tempted sometime. I mean, if it turns a guy to putty.

Does this work for all males? Or just TFS??

meghansdiscontent said...

And, I completely missed Ang.

VERY sorry.

Ang - Cute Brian.
And I, oddly enough, walk outside in my PJ's all the time. Hell, I did it today - walking my parents out to their vehicle. But my old/married neighbors seeing me in silk is completely different from a hot boy.

trueborn said...

LOL
Yes it's all males.
Killing me with the "crtters keeping his snake company" line. Too true. As soon as I learned what STD's were I realized two things
A. I never, never, ever want to get one.
B. James Bond is one dirty dude

I mean come on. His trouser snake must've fallen off by now.

qwer said...

I think it's just me. Although that specific type may do it for other guys. That is one of my two very specific types. Honestly, I stop dead and go to mush when I see a girl matching that description. Due to the fact, I never actually talk to them lol

meghansdiscontent said...

True - Brian is James Bond and Don Juan all at the same time. I have also heard tale that he can't (which EVERY girl should know means WONT) maintain an erection with a condom.

The boy probably needs a flea dip.
But it doesn't stop me from ogling the goodies.

Oh - and even the glasses thing? I thought guys had some weird aversion to "dorks" or whatever.

meghansdiscontent said...

TFS - two?
You know that you now HAVE to tell us what the other type is?
Since we know the first is the down-home, girl next door, glasses and a ponytail girl . . . is the second like Stripper Extraordinaire??? Dominatrix Barbie??

trueborn said...

Nah..
Intelligence is hot. I've dated the vapid beauty, not fun, then I had to explain all of my jokes (including the bad ones). I like to talk, and usually that involves complete sentences. Give me a cute girl with glasses, who can hold a converation any day of the week.
By the way, you're probably neither, I'm thinking a combination on the two. Beauty with brains, it explains why guys fall over themselves when they talk to you.

meghansdiscontent said...

True - You flatterer you!
I wouldn't be able to answer your implied question though. Everyone appears differently to everyone else. We're all attracted to different things. I've seen guys that I thought were sex on legs - Brian is a good example - and Birdie thought were unattractive. And vice versa.

The brains, you can judge for yourself - you read me everyday. . . whatcha think?

The beauty, hmm . .. depends on what you're into.

I hate it, but Eminem was right. I am whatever you say I am.

qwer said...

Alright, the other one is pretty much the same, but blonde, with a bob sorta hair cut...Veronica Mars style. God damn that girl is cute!

And I'm sorry but I look for intelligence! Airheads are not a turn on, I have to be able to talk to the girl and have an intelligent conversation. This does not include topics such as lip gloss and it's various shades and applicator mechanisms, as technical as that may be.

As dorky as a girl in glasses may be to some, some girls just make it look sooooooo good.

beachgirl said...

GURRRL- I would have done the same thing... Good call on the outfit, but some guys love the PJs....They sounded uber cute... Much better than my flannel orange and white plaid PJs....
Sorry about the printer, that bites...

I'll call you tomorrow...

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
qwer said...

Damnit, with all this talk of cute girls I got sidetracked and forgot to post one of my initial thoughts: Matt is fuckin wrong!! PRINTER AND COMPUTERS DO HAVE FEELINGS!!!! I swear to God, every piece of tech I own has feelings! And it all takes great joy in tormenting me! Particularly this "new" laptop at work, it's our spare and I've been using it since mine got stolen. It takes great delight in malfunctioning for no reason what so ever!!

I will not give technology a gender, it's asexual and contains in it's silicon soul all the evil vindictive aspects of both genders, no doubt put their by the countless designers, coders and random geeks who have created it.

Eunuch said...

I'm still stuck on the back silk pajamas...