Monday, December 19, 2005

I Am a Horrid Person

I am a horrid, horrid person.
And here’s the proof.

As I have mentioned about a thousand-million-trillion times lately, I have been celibate for quite a while. It’s not a state in which I wish to continue. I mean, it is, but it isn’t.

So here is my befuddled thinking:
I can’t sleep with Mr. Clean, because if he IS after just sex . . .then I gave him what he wants.
(Yes, I realize this is ALL crazy.)
Besides, I don’t want to sleep with him because it will serve to deepen a relationship that I’m not even certain I want.
Enter Matt.
Some of you may remember Matt.
I posted our entire conversation one night.
Matt is the gorgeous, intelligent, articulate, football fanatic friend who I adore.
We get together and watch football, just talk, etc.
He’s the one (Adam, don’t get all worked up over this again!) who has the “weight limit” on girls he dates.
He ONLY dates women under like 135 lbs.
It’s a RULE.
Yes, he really said that to me.
Who the hell knows what’s wrong with this man.

Anyway, he tells me ALL THE TIME that, were I not medically fluffy, he would be on me like white on rice.
But since I am medically fluffy, I’m out of the running.

BUT
And it’s a big but.
Apparently I’m not too fluffy to fuck.
He has been telling me for QUITE some time that it’s unfortunate that we’re both celibate.
Particularly since we could help each other out.
Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

So, he’s over yesterday watching football.
And I start to really think about this.
Hmm . . totally no strings.
I’m over his weight limit (thank you, medical problems) so he has no desire to have a relationship with me.
I think he’s a macho jerk, so I have no desire to have a relationship with him.
But, we are both quite celibate.
And that’s a shame.
He brings up the topic.
I tell him the truth . . . I don’t think I can go through with it. I want to go through with it. I need to go through with it! I’m afraid parts of my body are ATROPHYING!! But, I don’t think I can. I never have.
So he has a bright idea - start drinking.
It will lower your inhibitions.
You’ll be able to do what you think you can’t.

So, Meghan, being insane with celibacy thinks: “Good damn idea.”
Yeah, there’s something wrong with me, we will deal with it later.
So Matt goes to run an errand and I start drinking.
And continue to drink.
And drink.
And drink.
And drink.

And I call Beachgirl.
And she assures me that it is a fabulous idea (honey, were you drinking too?) and that I should do it.
She also confirms my suspicion that my Southern accent is HIGHLY accentuated when I’m intoxicated.
She also tells me to lay off the booze because I’m severely slurring my speech.
Which NEVER happens, so you can rest assured that I’m not three - more like thirty sheets to the wind.
We’re still on the phone when Matt pulls back into my driveway.

“So, are we doing this or what?”
“Sure.”
He leads my drunk ass back to my bedroom, we fall on the bed and start in.
He’s almost completely naked . . T-shirt still on.
I’m naked from the waist up.
We’re both VERY handsy.
We’re both enjoying the moment.
He’s a great kisser.
He lays me back . . and suddenly, Meghan is not so happy.
The room is spinning.
Uh oh.

So, our very stupid heroine springs from the bed and rushes to the bathroom.
I stare at the toilet and do that prayer, you all know it, “Please God, just don’t let me throw up. Please God, just don’t let me throw up. I swear, I’ll never drink again. Just don’t let me throw up.”
And I can’t tell why I’m sick.
Is it too much alcohol?
Or am I completely disgusted at the thought that I almost had a very cheap sexual encounter with a FRIEND who won’t even date women larger than a stick figure??

Combination, I decide.

Knock at the door, “Meghan, you okay sweetie?”
“I think I was a bit overzealous in my imbibement of the alcohol. It may not be the best idea to continue what we were doing. Not unless you have some odd regurgitation fantasy.”
“Can you at least walk me out?”
“Uh huh.”

I walk him to the door, lock it, then run back to the bathroom.
I’m not sick anymore.
He’s gone and I’m not sick.
Morally induced illness???

I go to bed.
This time, alone.
I fall into a deep sleep.
Until 3 AM.
When I wake up, make myself throw up four times, brush my teeth, drink three glasses of water and 5 aspirin and make a note to call Mr. Clean.

And that’s how it was decided.
I’m not seeing Mr. Clean again.
If I really wanted something with him, I wouldn’t have been willing to sleep with Matt.
My emotions are elsewhere, and I know that. Regardless of how stupid it is.
It wouldn’t be fair to him . . . even if all he really did want was sex.
I’m also not letting Matt near me, alone, again.
Particularly with any alcohol around.

So . . . the things I learned:

1 - I’m not a casual sex girl. Even when I think I want to be, I can’t go through with it.

2 - I don’t care about Mr. Clean. If I did, that never would have occurred.

3 - I turn into Julia Sugarbaker when I drink too much. All Southern drawl and big words.

4 - Just because you’ve got a body from hell and a beautiful face, don’t think God didn’t take something away from you. Those of you who know me will understand this simple statement - TIC TAC.

5 - I’m single, again. Completely single. No present romantic interests.

6 - I’m still celibate. (Note to self: Remember to buy batteries from Sam’s Wholesale. . . Again.)

45 comments:

Coyote Mike said...

You aren't the only one who has trouble with casual sex. I'm fine being naked and kissing casually, but, beyond that, the guilt steps in and I feel sick and want to go hide in a corner and cry.

And yes, I am a guy. And straight. We can be sensative. Get over it.

Coyote Mike said...

And you are not horrid. At all. Don't forget, you're human. People are allowed to be horney and lonely.

Do they give you a discount on batteries if you buy in bulk? By the case?

qwer said...

Hun, you are not a horrid person. Everyone has their weak moments, and that was just one of yours. Nothing terrible happened...and as for Matt, well, the boy is a fucktard.

Alcohol makes fools of us all, it's not your fault :o)

<3

qwer said...

Did I mention he's a fucktard? What a pompous pratt. Who the hell has a rule like that?

You deserve better hun, much much better.

Steph said...

You are so far from horrid you're not even in the same atmosphere! I can't do casual sex either. God knows i've thought about it, tried to, but yeah, doesn't work for me either.

Those that can and do, good on em. But you my girl should stop being so hard on yourself.

qwer said...

See, even Steph agrees with me! Which of course is obvious, because I am so totally and completely correct it's not funny!

;o)

Don't be so hard on yourself hun!! Please?

<3

michellesarah said...

I don't see what's so horrid here... the only think I can see that's horrid is the 5 asprin thing - honey, I'm surprised your eyeballs didn't start bleeding from the amount of thinning that would've done to your blood. No deep-vein thrombosis for you, yeah!

You almost did something you might've regretted, but you, even 30 sheets to the wind, still had the presence of mind to stop something you didn't feel right about. I have no problem with casual sex, as long as it's what both parties want. And if you had to get paroletic just to convince yourself that you were hot for it, then it obviously wasn't right.

Well done for not just being swept with the tide!

Kate said...

Meg honey, did I miss something? This post is supposed to be about you being a horrid person. I didn't see any horrid Meg person in that story.

trueborn said...

Well then Darlin, it was a worthwhile experience, vomit and all.
Learning something hard like that is always a boon, even if you are still a sexual camel. Camels always find their way to water Darlin, don't you fret.

I've never been able to pull off the casual sex thing myself, catholic guilt gene and all that nonsense.
You know what though? I'm actually proud that I can't. That's one more thing to seperate me from the rest of teaming sweaty humanity. Get up on that High Horse, it feels good to be able to say that you are morally superior for a little while.
Just remember to come down when you're done.
(Oh and how'd ya like the pic?)

Rolligun said...

Meghan, (in case you didn't think this comment was for you)

Good for you, on sticking to your moral convictions, save for your sacrafices.

It was probably a good choice, I can't possibley see how that err, romantic encounter would have turned out well. No more football viewing partner.

I hope you find what you want, but becareful that you don't become to defensive and start cancelling things out based on each other.

That was probably a confusing statement, and helps nothing. Sorry, I'll go get someone else.

muffin said...

Oh you poor soul! You get yourself in some right pickles don't you! The toilet bowl and I very aquainted in that sense...

Ha ha....Sorry but this made me laugh.

Good for you for not going through with it, I say! Fuckin who has a WEIGHT limit? Does he weigh his potential's in or what?

Ang said...

sorry darlin, but they are right!! not an ounce of horrid in that story. you stuck to your convictions despite having your judgement impaired. not only that but you clearly outlined the lesson that you took from the experience. i hate to argue with you cause i like you so much; but you are wrong. you are still amazing!!

Jenni said...

I'm glad that you've decided on the batteries instead of the dummies. Patience is what I hope for you. Patience to wait the right, wonderful man to replace the batteries. Just remember you are far too valuable to settle.

pk said...

Waiting on the horrid part........

beachgirl said...

I feel the need to defend myself.. I did NOT tell her it was a "good idea" I told her to do what she wanted to do.. and let's also be clear, she was in that drunken, Oprah ugly crying state and there was NO WAY she was going to listen to any kind of voice of reason, so I went with it. Ok, blame it on my self imposed celibacy (stupid morals)... Yeah, I admit it, I was and am living vicariously through our sweet little Meg. So no, my advice is not the best... I'm praying that down as we speak.. I am a good friend, really. sniff,sniff
P.S. She WAS slurring....

Bone said...

I actually have a friend who has a weight limit. I think it's beyond stupid and figure people like that will be rewarded accordingly.

Dorothy said...

I was in the same situation. I had been alone for a long time after my divorce. I had 2 small children, a job, PTA, Girl Scouts, and I am LDS (mormon...celebacy if you aren't married). But I was so lonely and I hadn't planned on being divorced, my wonderful husband of 5 years had just admitted being a child predator, molesting more than 20 children in 10 years. I was 24, I had a 2 yr old and a 4 mo. old. Ow. So fast forward 5 years and I am working and on my own 2 feet, but lonely and not trusting at all. I had a male friend also alone raising 2 kids, one severely handicapped. So, we talked about easing the pressure, and just going for it. But I just couldn't. The reason we couldn't get together is because he didn't want to get married again ever, he wanted a "move-in". I believe in eternal love and eternal families, and yes, marriage. Just not the same track. It would have been so easy...but I didn't at the last minute and have not regretted it. A month later, I met my husband, who is 9 yrs my senior and wonderful. Don't discount Mr.Clean because he is older if everything else is wonderful. Don't think he just wants sex just because that's all your FT friend who says you aren't good enough for him (how you could call this person friend is beyond me, you so don't need this idiot feeding you negativity- then again his dry spell might be on account of his "standards".
Realize you are worth the fairytale. You deserve prince charming, and a moment of weakness doesn't mean you didn't want him, it means you were sabbotaging something you may have wanted because you didn't feel you deserved it. BUT YOU DO.

Lizzie said...

Allow me to be the 18th person to say it: none of this makes you a horrid person. Matt, yes. You, no. I just don't think you should write off Mr. Clean so quickly (granted I don't know the whole story). But if you enjoy spending time with him, isn't that something? Just because you don't want a serious relationship doesn't mean you can't have some fun and enjoy each other's company. You're a young girl, you've got your whole life to be serious about someone.

p.s. if there is any justice in the world, Matt will develop some (otherwise non-threatening so you don't think *I'm* a horrid person) glandular disease that will cause him to balloon up to 400 pounds and will fall madly in love with a woman that won't be with anyone over 200 pounds.

MappyB said...

oh my god, i was reading the part where he said 'are we doing this or what?!' and i thought 'NO, WE'RE NOT!' No Sir. so i am very thankful you got sick, no offense. i sometimes wish i had moral illnesses though. man, you need to drop that zero and get with a real hero! thank god for wholesale batteries!

Anonymous Assclown said...

There's a technical term for men who get women drunk so they'll consent to sex - they're called "lowlife sleazebag rapists". The first thing you need to do is find Mr Weight Limit, nail his fucking head to the bumper of your car, then drive around town for a couple hours.
Look, I'd be a total hypocrite if I disparaged casual sex, but if you're not comfortable with it sober, then don't do it when your drunk.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Well that sounds like you are giving yourself a good old fashioned guilt trip. For nothing though of course!

And you and BG are cracking me up-BG is just the nicest little thing and so are you, lol.

pk said...

For the record, I think Matt is getting a bad rap here. So the guy has a rule about chicks. Big deal. He is also not the only one involved in the situation. Meg, don't feel guilty just blame it all on Beach Girl.

By the way, when did casual sex between friends become such a big deal?

Anonymous Assclown said...

Casual sex between friends isn't a big deal unless one of the aforementioned friends has to be drunk off her ass to be consent. Then it becomes a big deal. And any guy who thinks that's not a big deal should have their balls cut off as part of the Super Bowl halftime show.

Kate said...

Ouch pk. Anonymous Coward is right that it's a problem when the one party suggests the other should get drunk.

Coyote Mike said...

How's the self flaggilation going? Or have you stopped that and moved on to some other self occupation?

;)

beachgirl said...

Meg- Do I detect sarcasm from CS and PK??

BTW, I am the nicest little girl ever, and so is meg....and if you don't agree with me, I'm kickin your butt into next week... how's that for nice!

Coyote Mike said...

I have a rule about chicks, too. They have to be . . . female.

Chairborne Stranger said...

why is it sarcasm BG? we don't ask for much but all this attacking is a bit over the edge.

i think you'd better say a prayer for all your hateful thoughts too.

mrshife said...

Well it looks like I made it over here a little too late, but I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you are horrid and I hope things are looking up today. I think you are super.

Thomas said...

Maybe you are undercrediting his sensitivity? He asked you to walk him out--any credit to the male species for that? However, I do have friends who have similar stories about not being able to go through with things like that--the human psyche is great sometimes... and a curse at others.

meghansdiscontent said...

Wowzers!
Take a 24 hour sabatacle and see if you can catch up to comments.
I'll try and be brief - but address each of you!! :)

Coyote - I'm so glad a guy can admit to trouble with casual sex! You're my hero. And, I do feel horrid. I have a Catholic's guilt (but was brought up Baptist - go figure). Yes, you get a discount. Take it from someone who knows.

TFS - Honey, I think you'd tell me I was a terrific person if I killed someone. You're FAR too supportive of me, but I adore it! And Matt probably is kind of a fucktard for his rule . . . but it's odd, because he's a really great guy, too. The kind of guy you would love to have as a friend but KNOW would make a horrid husband.

Steph - You're as bad as TFS!!! And, I know, I'm very hard on myself. LOL - My doctor told me when I was thirteen "You're going to die from stress by 25. You are your own worst critic. I've never seen anyone so hard on themselves." He was wrong - I'm 25 and still here!! :)

TFS - Between you and Steph, I will always have a cheering section! I LURV you guys!

Michellesarah - LOL, I abuse aspirin. I admit it. But that's the least of my drug induced worries. I swallow about 45 pills a day. Take it up with my doctor! :) Thank you for your support though! But, ugh, I desperately WANT to be able to be a casual sex person . . . the price of batteries alone .. yowzers.

Kate - YES! You guys all missed that I was going to semi-cheat on someone I was kinda-datin, I was going to sleep with a guy who is majorly superficial and I drank about two bottles of liquor to do it! I'm horrid!

True - love the sexual camel comment! Frameable even. And you KNOW I adore the pic! Mitchum . . good stuff.

Rolligun - Hi there, cupcake! But who am I going to watch football with now?? He was the only person I knew that was as fanatical about it as I am! DONT get someone else, I would miss your reactions to my cute little nicknames for you . . oh, yeah, and your sage advice.

Muffin - Babe, you have no idea! My mom will be with me for things that happen and just look at me and say "Only you! How does this shit ALWAYS happen to YOU??" As for who has a weight limit, sweetie, you would be surprised at the amount of men who do. I actually GAVE him points for telling me that. At least he admits it! Right?

Ang - I'm going to send you to hang out with Steph and TFS! I adore you, and will not argue with you, but you guys give me too much credit.

Jenni - I really suck at patience. Unless it's regarding children, I have a horrid sense of immediacy and a terrible lack of patience. But, you're right, thank you for reminding me. I'm too wonderful to settle. (head is getting bigger by the second)

PK - Refer to my comment to Kate, son.

Beachgirl - ADMIT it! You didn't tell me to do what I want . . you said GO FOR IT! I should have recorded that conversation, I know that now. I was DEE-RUNK, but NOT so much that I don't remember what was said. You just NEEDED me to describe what happened. Honey, you need some as badly as I do . . . and if it weren't for Eunuch, you'd be getting it New Years. Oh the plans we are cooking up, sister.

Bone - AMEN.

Sallwood - there is SO much to say to you. In fact, I think I'm going to see if there's an email addy on your site. I don't want to air all this here. I can't believe the things you've been through!

Lizzie - Oh, babe, I wish it weren't so, but Mr. Clean must go. In fact, he already went. The conversation happened yesterday. It wasn't the age that was the problem, it was just a major difference in beliefs and desires. As for your wishes on Matt . . I really do wish that would happen. I see the people that treat me differently since I got sick and put on weight and I think "I hope one day YOU gain weight through NO fault of your own and CANT get it off . . . and then you'll see how lonely it is and how people treat you."

MappyB - LOL!!! OMG!!! I can't remember the last time I heard the zero to hero line! YOU ARE TOO MUCH! Lovin it, here! PLEASE, come back!

Anon Cow - Ah, but what do you call the ignorant women who follow through with his plan?? It was my choice to get drunk. SEE - horrid person here!!

Chairborne - Baby, I'm Queen Guilt. But this time it was for SOMETHING . . gosh, am I the only one who can SEE?? And BG is a peach. That girl is dripping sweetness. Adore her much. As for me, do nice little things punch people and get drunk to have sex with sleezeballs?

PK - Oh how I hope that was sarcasm, son. :) And don't worry, I've already told BG a MILLION times via phone that she's carrying the weight of this one on her shoulders. SHE TOLD ME TO DO IT! :) Not even answering the Casual sex thing . . I'm a freak in my moral beliefs . . old fashioned weirdness here.

Anon Cow - Hmm . . .well said.

Kate - Thanks for giving him some support. SO sorry I was absent for all this!

Coyote - Yep, totally new occupation. At the moment, it's loathing Christmas.

BG - Umm, honey, when do we NOT get sarcasm from that goof troop? But love them, we must.

Coyote - GOOD rule. Stick with it. Stay the course as Chairborne would tell you.

Shife - You didn't miss out! I did. Thank you, I think you're super, too! :)

Thomas - Does he get credit for asking me to walk him to the door when I could barely stand . . hmmm . . I'll think about that. :)

qwer said...

Hey, if they deserved it...then fair enough ;o)

Ang said...

*just to be devil's advocate here*

Ok, I agree a weight limit is a pretty shallow shitty thing-and would put me out of the running in a lot of cases; BUT did we not just read a post, and comment with enthusiasm about a hight limit imposed on men?

muffin said...

Meg, I guess you are right. His saving grace on the weight limit is that he is honest about it, I suppose. Shallow, much?

I, like you, am always getting myself into drama. My family and friends joke that my life is a soap opera!

meghansdiscontent said...

TFS - Oh goodness. You are too much.

Ang - Honey, but didn't we also say that we wouldn't turn them down for a date . . and if everything else was copacetic that we couldn't eliminate them as mates because of height alone?????

Muffin - Very shallow, but we all are in some way or another. Sweetie, I feel you. My friends and family have been pushing me FOREVER to write a biography . . only NO ONE would believe half the true things in it. Truth is stranger than fiction.

Kate said...

Meg,

I'm not saying all that to be nice. I'm not telling you that casual sex is OK. (No offense to anyone here but that's me.) What I'm saying is that you made a mistake then you changed your mind and didn't go through with it. Give yourself some credit for that.

If you feel the need to be lectured, I can take care of that. You have no business getting drunk alone with a guy that you're not sure you want to be with. It could have ended up badly, no matter how well you know this guy. I do give him credit for he could have gotten ugly. You are the only one that can look out for yourself, don't hand that responsibility off to someone else by being intoxicated.

Okay there's the lecture, now hear me again. There is no horrid Meg here. That you came close to cheating on a guy that you are not even sure that you're dating is a non-issue. You've learned a lesson here, now stop guilting your life away.

(Is that more what you wanted to hear?)

Heidi said...

Hmmm… well a few things.

1) It seems like I am the only fan of casual sex here. I have done it a few times and the first time was a horrible experience and after it I vowed never to do it again. Well, after a dry spell that all changed and all of the encounters since have been great. But I do have some ground rules.
* I never have casual sex with someone I am friends with. Just a bad idea.
* He has to be really cute. Cause hey, I don’t fuck down.
* Go to his place or somewhere neutral, it puts you in control of the situation and you can leave when you want.
* Always, always, always, wear a condom.

2) As for no weight limit guy… he can rot in hell. As a gal with a larger then normal ass, I don’t put up with that shit. I don’t even think I could be his friend. Also, I agree with Anonymous Coward, any guy who gets a gal drunk for sex is a "lowlife sleazebag rapists". In fact legally, he is.

3) Don’t give up on Mr. Clean. Just talk to him and see what he is looking for.

Ok, I have commented enough. Best of luck.

Kate said...

Meg, let me know if the virtual mom was too much.

meghansdiscontent said...

Kate - :) LOL, I'm properly chastised now. And no, that's not what I was looking for or anything. I just think sometimes, as friends, we all get so caught up in being supportive of one another that we don't want to openly air that we think something one of us did was stupid or ill advised. And thank you, it's funny how well you guys know me. I do guilt and worry my life away. It was bred into me. I do need to stop being so hard on myself.

Heidi - Welcome! Oh, you're not the only fan of casual sex . . we've just got a vocal minority who can't do it (but don't condemn it, I don't think). Good rules though! If I ever breakdown this moral wall, I will have to keep those in mind. Matt is kind of a dog. And as for Mr. Clean, it's just not there. I wish it could be and I wish he was who I thought he was in the beginning . . but it's not and he's not. Thank you for commenting!!

janestarr said...

Wait, wait, wait...did you say TIC TAC???! If you are going to be chastising yourself, for god's sake make sure it is worth it. No tiny pricks, as Heidi so eloquently said, don't fuck down. Wow that's a statement!

verbs said...

Firstly, I probably shouldn't be commenting on anyone's blog tonight coz I'm in a bad mood...but what the hey?

I don't get why people are dissing Matt. Everyone has their dating criteria. At least he's open about his, unlike a lot of girls who just shut up shop and flat out turn you down because you're "not their type" whilst never going into specifics.

Matt is who he is. I know guys who won't date Asian chicks. Or coloured girls. That's exactly the same thing as the weight criteria.

And speaking of the weight issue, there have been girls I haven't dated because they were just too big. Sounds bad? We'll maybe if I was 6'4" and 100kg but I'm a short skinny guy, and climbing Mount Everest every night just isn't my cup of tea. These things are about feeling comfortable with someone else long term...and if you don't, then don't even bother going the dating route in the first place.

As for the casual sex thing, 99% of guys are up for a root at the drop of a hat. If, as has been discussed on Ang's blog, this works for both parties, what's the big deal? If it doesn't, no biggie, nothing ventured nothing gained.

If he doesn't get the hint, well he is a dick. But until then, he hardly sounds like the devil incarnate.

/rant

Sorry.

Anonymous Assclown said...

Hhmmm, some people call it a slingblade but I call it a kaiser blade. Hmmmm.

Adam said...

But I like getting all worked up for you Megs!

There isn't a possible thing I can say that hasn't already been said but I'll just reiterate the You Rock and We Love You sentiments, because you do and we do.

I'm so coming to visit your world one day.

meghansdiscontent said...

Janestarr - Yes, yes, I did. Glad it didn't happen.

Verbs - Uh huh.

Anon Coward - repetitive, but "uh huh"

Adam - And I love it when you get all worked up for me! But you'd already covered that subject for me once. And I love you guys, too! As for coming to visit.. . wow, hella culture shock, but I'm so excited.

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