Thursday, December 01, 2005

Movement

I’ve somehow moved from abject sorrow (so sorry about making you guys worry last night!) to complete anger.
And I’m terrified I’m going to take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I listened to my voice-mails this morning and took notes, so that I could return calls.
However, I can’t call them now.
If I call them now . . . I will do this:

#1 4:42 PM Mr. Clean

Just wanted to see if you got the flowers. I really am sorry. Just call me when you get this. Don’t worry about the time difference. I’ll go right back to sleep. Here’s the hotel where I’m staying and the number: blah blah blah

What I want to say:

No, I didn’t get the damn flowers. I can’t make myself take them. Chris has them at his house and he’s holding them until I decide what the hell to do with them. I’m not letting you buy your way out of your big mouth’s mistakes. I never want to hear from you again. I thought you were something that you’re obviously not. Why does it not matter how old a guy gets, all he can think with is what’s in his pants! I hope your thing shrivels up and falls off.

#2 6:00 PM Daddy (whispering)

Hey toot, it’s your dad, you need to call me but don’t call me tonight at the house. Call me tomorrow at work. We need to talk about your mom. Next week’s her birthday and then Christmas is coming up and we need to figure out what to get her. I’ll send $400 with your brother next week and you can go get her something for her birthday and start Christmas shopping.

What I want to say:

You know what, dad. Screw it. I love you beyond all reason, but I’m tired of doing your grunt work. Ever since I was 14 and got my hardship license, you’ve pawned off the gift buying and errand running on me. You haven’t bought mom a present in damn 11 years. She’s your wife, you married her, you go get her damn presents. It’s hard enough for ME to decide what I’m getting her; I can’t take another year of buying her gifts from me, YOU and my brother.

#3 6:50 PM Momma

Meg, I’ve been calling your brother for about an hour and he won’t answer my calls. Seems to be a habit with my kids today. Go over to his house and see if he’s alright and tell him to call me. Love you.

What I want to say:

Jesus, mother. He’s not answering because he’s too busy keeping his harem of women happy. He’s fine. He’s 21 years old for chrissakes. He was at my house when you called. And he’s not answering your calls because you call him every day and he’s tired of your mother-henning him to death. Hell, I’m a little tired of it, too. I’m 25 damn years old and I talk to my mother three times a day. Yes, you’re my best friend, yes, I love you, but I swear to God if I don’t get some space I’m going to pull a Menendez Brothers. We’re fine. We’re good. We’re more well-adjusted than ANYONE else we know. You did a good job. Now cut the damn umbilical cord.

#4 7:13 PM Will

Girl, you are queen of not answering my calls these days. Should I take that as a hint (laughing). Anyway, call me, I want to know what you’re doing this weekend.

What I want to say:

Run. Just run. Don’t call me again, don’t come by, don’t write. I’m NO good for you what-so-ever. I will only end up hurting you. You’re too good for me and you haven’t realized that yet. I haven’t called you back because I know if I end up dating you I will just screw things up, end things and hurt you. Run. Run. Run. And don’t look back. Pretend you never met me.

#5 7:58 PM Jeff

Hey gorgeous! Wondered what you were up to Saturday night. Madison and I need someone to watch Colton. She’s got some cheerleading thing and wants me to be there. Just call us back as soon as you get this so we can start looking for someone else if you can’t do it.

What I want to say:

Fuck you! I can’t believe I’m such a simp. What idiot babysits for the guy that cheated on her after three years together and an engagement! Even better, what idiot watches the child that was the product of him cheating!! Oh my God! You knocked her up while we were together, you didn’t tell me about it, I see you 4 months after we break things off holding a new baby and I’m supposed to be okay with everything. And what’s sad is that I’m too damn soft hearted and I end up being your friend and your sometimes babysitter!!! If that’s not sad, I don’t know what is!?!?! Go to hell. Burn there. I’m not watching your bastard love child. Oh and PS - it’s sad beyond all reason that a 31 yr old man is going to watch his WIFE cheerlead. I guess that’s what you get when you knock up a college Sophomore. God, hasn’t she graduated yet!! Why is she still cheerleading??

#6 8:03 PM Becky

Hey girl! Just wanted to tell you how good it was to see you Saturday and that I really miss you!! You’re going to have to come out to North Carolina and see me. I know things were a little odd when I left but I think we made up for it Saturday. Call me.

What I want to say:

Oh Buddha. Look, here’s what I’ve been dying to tell you for 3 years. We’ve outgrown each other. We’re only still friends out of habit. We were friends in college and that time in our life was great. But we graduated. I went to graduate school, you started working and you changed. You changed more than any three people combined changed. And you were on my ass every second of the day about things that I really don’t care that much about. We all get that you’re reborn and all and that’s snazzy, but shoving it down our throats isn’t going to make us better Christians. Our walk with God is personal and none of your damn business. If God’s going to send me to hell for drinking once a week, then so be it. But I doubt it. Let your move to North Carolina be the natural death of something that truly died a long time ago. I still love you and hope the best for you, but we’re just too different now.

#7 8:27 PM Mrs. XXXX from the Little Rock co-op

Meghan, I know this is really last minute, but we just found out ourselves. 4 of the children you screened in October had parents respond to the conference notices. For them to count in our grant proposal they MUST be seen for therapy at least 15 minutes on or before December first. I realize that’s tomorrow. I hope that you can re-arrange your schedule to fit them in, because if they are not seen, we can not see them this year, and we would really hate for these kids to miss out on therapy just because we had some scheduling errors. I’m faxing over the names of the kids and the centers they are located in. Those centers are ones your company contracted for. Call me if you have any questions or concerns.

What I want to say:

WHAT????!!!?!?! You’re calling at 8 o’clock the night before and expecting me to work 4 hours of kids into my already full schedule and they HAVE to be seen!?!! What do you mean, you just found out!! If the parents were at the conference, then you knew then that they had to be seen!!! Why does this responsibility fall on me?? Particularly when the two centers the kids are at are 30 minutes out of my way and 15 minutes from one another. It’s going to take me 5 hours + with therapy time, travel time, etc and that’s on top of the 8 hours I already had scheduled. I’m going to have to cancel my NORMAL therapy kids to rush these in. Jesus, can’t anyone get their shit together?????? Night before! The damn night before! Are you kidding me??? But don’t worry, it will get done. I always get it all done, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but it will get done. Bitch.

Wow, I feel better just getting that out. Even if they never hear it. Even if I could never say it.

I eliminated some of the voice-mails from the list because they are friends or work things that I have no anger towards. They’re just people doing their jobs or being friends. But these people . . . I didn’t even know I was this angry at them. I think I need a few more hours to calm down before I call any of them back.

I know you probably all think I’m off my damn rocker. Hell, I think I’m going crazy. Maybe I should call Dr. Naylor and tell him I’m having reactions to the new round of treatment. Oh God, when did this blog turn into my diary. First last night, now this. I swear and promise on all that is holy that this time tomorrow I will be back to the happy, flirtatious, dancing girl you all know and love.

9 comments:

beachgirl said...

Precious girl- you need a drink!! or maybe 12!!! Hang in there!!
I think I'm going to call Sister Mary needs-a-drink b/c you are a saint, but we even saints need breaks too!!!

Love ya girl, hang in there!!

TFS said...

Don't force yourself to be happy on your blog for anyone. It is YOUR blog, if you need to use it to vent, use it! And fuck anyone who disagree's...and not in that fun way. This is your space, you can do what you want or need to do with it.

We're all here for you if you need us!

trueborn said...

TFS has it right. Your blog, your thoughts thats what makes it so great! This is Meghan Uncensored, you know the one, this is the program you wait up for late at night cuz you know you're gonna get some good shit.
Don't apologize for being human, Doll. I'm guilty of that too, hell we all are.
Enjoy those rampaging emotions! There are lots of poor sods out there who can't relate to other human beings, they are mechanical, barely there people, who remind you of commercials and cardboard cut outs that you see at Blockbuster. (and I know you've met them)
And you are not one of them.
So you get mad...
So what. Giving voice to your anger is never a bad thing, especially in your own space it needs to be expressed. Hell check out CS's rant that he had the other day. You are human, and it sounds like you think about others so often that you sometimes forget about yourself. I'm guilty of that as well, but you have to have some "me time". So make your plans for Memphis and dance the night away bum hip and all, and break a few hearts while you're at it.
At least its Thursday!

meghansdiscontent said...

Beach - No drinks . . I've gotten a bit more serious about this Fight The Medical Problem plan. I'm cutting out alcohol, too. At least until . . . . oh gosh, I'm already losing the will power. Margarita? Did someone say Jose Cuervo?

TFS - you do realize that you're great and I cherish our friendship, right? Your email made me feel so much better.

True - You totally rock out! I had more to say . . but I put it on your blog instead.

Steph said...

Cheer up girl, there are cute boys, shoes and Vodka to be had :)

I NEVER even listen to voice mail. I turn it on to make others feel better. I figure if it's important they'll call me back.

meghansdiscontent said...

Steph - Girl, I usually ascribe to that believe, however . . . that's when I have caller ID to show me who called. I turned the phone off . . and since it's my business line too, it was necessary to listen to all the BS.

janestarr said...

I always thought there was something powerful about a woman's cycle (men may want to stop reading at this point). Like all the emotions we subdue and keep undercontrol, or just plain shove under a rock, come booming out in plain, honest torment. Although it seems like PMS is chaos, somehow it forces us to filter out the garbage.

People take so much energy when you allow them in your life, just make sure they are worth it. Otherwise...kick em to the curb. Like cleaning out your closet, it gives your room for better suited friends and greater love.

Ang said...

just to reiterate jane and true-

be mad, be sad, cry, break things,
be happy, rejoice, laugh, dance flirt....

it is your blog, and your life....live it to the fullest-feel it to the fullest. The highs are that much higher after the lows!

worry said...

Stress, worry and so forth are sometimes a sign of the times. For a free MP3 that really helps release the presure and anxiety, go to www.mindmint.com. Use their pull down menu under free downloads. Thanks for the blog.