Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Speaking of Craziness

I totally forgot about this incident until a few minutes ago.
And you can call me a liar . . but my momma was there and she'll back me up.
And Robin got to hear the tale from both of us (because she was living with me at the time) and she'll back me up.

I guess it was the SEVEN HELLISH HOURS spent Christmas shopping with my brother (the highlight of the day - I love my brudder) that brought the memory to light.

Park Plaza Mall in Little Rock.
My mother and I are shopping, maybe for Christmas, maybe just for something to do, who remembers.

Anyway . . .
We're going down the escalator to the second floor to go to Victoria's Secret.
There's a young girl in front of us.
And by young- and trust me,I can judge age in kids - I mean 12-14 yr age range.
Definitely not much younger, possibly a year older.
And you will understand the need for this disclaimer shortly:
No, she was not mentally handicapped, at least not in any way that is recognizable to an outsider - particularly one with medical training in disorders, such as myself.

She suddenly turns sideways on the escalator, her feet straddling two separate steps, crouchs down and starts to PEE through her pants.
She's URINATING on the escalator!!!!!

I, as you can imagine, am NOT known for my subtlety.
I start smacking mom in the arm shrieking "SHE'S PEEING, MOMMA! She's peeing ON THE ESCALATOR!"
Mom's smacking me back and saying "I KNOW! HUSH!"
Shrieking slightly quieter, I answer "BUT SHE'S PEEING ON THE ESCALATOR!!!"

What's worse is that the side of the escalator is a clear stationary glass wall, and she's crouched sideways, and appearantly rubbing her BOOTAY against the wall as she's peeing her way down the escalator . . and therefore leaving a wet trail on the wall . . and THATS THE SIDE I'M ON! I am TERRIFIED of getting young girl urine on my winter white pants!!!

Now, it is NOT possible that this poor girl had ANY urine left in her bladder . . it just CAN'T be! She peed FOREVER! ALL THE WAY DOWN! And yet . . .

When we reached the second floor, there was a VERY large planter at the bottom with those lovely decorative tress found in every mall. She jumped off the escalator and quickly planted her butt INTO one of the planters . . and appeared to keep peeing.

THESE are the things that happen to me!


Oh, and a side note.
Women are catty biatches.
Particularly young, very attractive women.

My brother is a hottie.
I realize this.
He's gorgeous beyond reason.
REALLY, he is, ask ANYONE who's ever met him.
It's a combination of stellar good lucks, killer sense of humor, intelligence and craziness. EVERYONE loves my brudder.
Chicks in the mall were staring me down today.
I guess they thought we were together as a couple - not as brother/sister.
I actually HEARD one girl say to another (picture Misha Barton and Rachel Bilson) "What's he doing with her??"

What am I, chopped liver?
I wanted to pimp slap her.

** Note ** I had to look up the names of those girls on The OC. My brother's ex used to TIVO it at my house and watch it. THAT really IS what these girls looked like. It was that level of (my brudder's term) Hottiness.


Eunuch said...

"I KNOW! HUSH!" - Classic southern mother line...translation: yes dear, I see it happening but will not intervene, now look away, it's not proper.

Lizzie said...

that's crazy! Did anyone else see it or say something to her? Was she laughing? Did she think it was a funny joke or something? I would not have been able to leave the mall until I knew every detail.

p.s. I've had similar experiences with my brother. The last time we hung out at a bar together I could almost feel a half dozen pair of eyes boring through my skull. Next time I'll just wear a t-shirt that reads "He's my brother" on the front and "he got all the good genes" on the back.

janestarr said...

WTF? I would have had a coronary, you and your momma handled it so dignified, if that is possible.

As for the brudder incident: #1 How pathetic these girls are to drool all over your brother. He may be a Grecian God but for all they know he could be dumb as a box of rocks, shallow bitches. #2 Tell me where they live and I will kick there asses for insulting you!!

Alright I am a little violent tonight...whoops!

trueborn said...

Yeah Janestarr Kick Some Ass!
Peeing on an escalator.
Hot damn.
What is wrong with people?
I wonder if she ate paint chips...

On a sick note, I worked as a lifeguard at an indoor pool, and people would always be having sex in there. Like it was their job.
Worst time was when they made me manager and I had to break up a 60 year old couple.
It gives me a renob just thinking about it.

Coyote Mike said...

Maybe it was a dare. Maybe she didn't know you could walk down the escaltor instead of just riding it. Maybe she just couldn't wait any longer and had no choice. Maybe she liked to do that. Who the hell knows.

i said...

wow.. i know girls have to line up alot longer in bathrooms than those of use with external sexual organs.. but OMG!!! thats just screwed up!!! :P

qwer said...

That is just so fucked up...sooooooooooooo fucked up...

Indiana said...

Jumping into the pot plant to finish...lol

Having a hot brother when you're a girl is so unfair, since it doesn't work the same way for guys...not having a hot sister, but having a cousin who is sizzling, I have, on the odd occasion utilised her as my wing-woman...and nothing works better, not even a Ferrari ~grin~

Rolligun said...

"Southern Girls..." Not suprised.

And I know a few tricks that I could give to your brother if he wants um. Just to help get through the day, you know, distractions and all.

Drunken Chud said...

i would have paid money to see that. it sounds like the single funniest thing you could witness live. the imagery of her peeing herself, and pressing her ass to the glass wall and peeing down it then jumping in the planter... PRICELESS! i wonder if her name was Nell...

pia said...

love the pee pee story!

Can't imagine what is it like to have a hot brother. Actually having none I never thought of it before

Kate said...

Very good Eunuch. But I will add that in Southern woman speak, "I know, hush" is also "If we don't acknowledge it or speak about it, then it never happened."

meghansdiscontent said...

Eunuch - EXACTLY!!! See, even though Momma's technically a Yankee, she's got this Southern woman thing down pat.

Lizzie - The people on the escalator in front of her turned around and saw it after I shrieked and people on the UP escalator were staring over trying to figure out what was going on. I think MAYBE that she just didn't know where the bathrooms were and couldn't make it. I wanted to stay there and watch what she did next, but apparently my mother does not have such voyeuristic instincts, she dragged me away. As for the T-shirt - can you print up two???

Janestarr - Honey, I was FREAKING. Momma is nothing if not dignified. Why didn't I get those genes? As for the girls . . . is it completely shallow to say - I'm over it! I'm probably a million times more intelligent and will never have to depend on my husband or daddy to support me. (wow, I'm judging them like they judged me . . sad, sad).

True - I HAVE NO IDEA! People are insane! And, baby, it's NOT just indoor pools. I can't COUNT the number of sexual trysts I had to break up at the pool . . in fact, I can't count the number of women I had to tell to STEP AWAY FROM THE JETS! Great, at least now I know what to think about if I ever get too aroused again . . ugh!!

Coyote Mike - All good guesses, but I think maybe she just really had to pee . . like your third option said . . but still. Damn.

i - You should have been there. I keep re-reading what I wrote and thinking . . This just doesn't do it justice. It just doesn't.

TFS - The peeing or my brother story??

Indiana - Why couldn't she have just waited for the plant to begin with?? If she had RUN down the escalator, it would have only been 2 seconds more!! As for the brother thing, I know . . I'm in hell.

Rolligun - Watch it! Don't badmouth us Southern girls. And you stay away from my brudder. I'm scared beyond measure of the things you would teach him! You're a bad influence, cupcake.

Drunken Chud - After I got over the utter shock, it was the funniest thing ever. Momma and I had to go down to the foodcourt and just sit because we were laughing so hard we were crying. We did NOT take the escalator back up. We walked the stairs. People don't pee on stairs, right??

Pia - I have a TON of urination stories. It's so sad. As for the brother . . you're missing out. I adore mine more than anything in this world. He's the one person that can make me laugh no matter the circumstances. Although, sometimes, I want to strangle him - most of the time I just want to be around him. I'll tell a story tomorrow (or later today, if I get around to it) that will break your heart . . he's just the greatest kid ever. (kid, ha ha ha, he's 21)

Kate - Honey, I can always count on you to further explain the Southern dictionary and etiquette. Where the hell is Beachgirl to help ya out?

Jenni said...

I have two hottie brothers. One is gay and the other thinks it's his personal job to populate the planet (has 3 kids at age 24). But I understand, brothers are lovable beyond all reason.

Bone said...

One time when I had just started dating this girl, my sister and I were out somewhere and ran into the girl's sister. Well, her sister didn't know my sister. So I got a phone call later that night from the girl I was dating. "What did you do tonight? Who were you out with? My sister saw you."

beachgirl said...

Ok kids- HEARING her tell that story is a whole other event... I'm we're talkin Ron White funny!!
I nearly Pee'd my pants last night!!!


New Year's in going to Rock!! OMG..But remember, friends don't let friends go to Arkansas for New Years! Yeah we'll show them!!

Barry S. said...

Wow, do you have some crazed things happen to you!

I would have went ballistic if I saw some young girl peeing on the escalator. That's not right. She should have been publicly flogged - or caned.

As for your brother, you should have pimp slapped them; girl fights are fun to watch, especially in a crowded mall during Christmas time.

Rolligun said...

I am not a bad influence, misunderstood is all!!!

I forgot to mention it earlier but, this one time I got...

(will this story make her laugh? Or will it only support her theory?)

I forgot to mention, take care meg, gotta go.

meghansdiscontent said...

Jenni - I'll post what I was talking about earlier later today. I started bawling while writing it. There is NOTHING like a brother.

Bone - Been there, done that. Poor baby. How long did you stay with her after that?

BG - I know . . my writing loses so much, I really am better at TELLING stories. You have to hear my voice and my pauses. Damnit! Anyone down for a huge conference call? (but I can't include the men, they would fall in love with me! ha ha ha) And tell your best male friend to shove it! AR is great!

Barry S. - Honey, you have NO idea. LOL, find it hilarious that I was listening to the song "Girl Fight" when I read your comment. Terrific.

Rolligun - Just like a man, build up to something and then get off before delivering to the girl. :)

pk said...

Forget the urination story. 7 hours shopping?????? Why??

MappyB said...

gasp. i would of called her out in front of everyone and made her an example of 'what not to do'. wow. wow. i don't know what else to say.

and yes, women are catty bitches, and that is awful what those girls said to you. pretentious whores. (you like how i'm being catty, and i don't even know them)

Chairborne Stranger said...

That is a very crazy story.

And women are catty bitches. All men-look out-you heard it here first.

beachgirl said...

Not all of us.. =(
and when some of us are catty we admit it and apologize for it...

Rolligun said...

Your inuendo is completely unfair.

I always do what I say I will.

And I deliver!!

beachgirl said...

RG- huh?? I think I missed something.. You're going to have to put that one on the low shelf for me (southern translation: please explain in simple terms)...

mrshife said...

That is just crazy. The girl peeing on the escalator and in the bushes. Holy crap that is so weird. I would have been freaked out. But it does make for a great story.

qwer said...

Brother Story? I stopped after the peeing...that was just soooooo fucked up.

meghansdiscontent said...

PK - Oh God, don't ask. I swore that I wouldn't get ANYONE anything. EVERYONE was getting a large sum of cash and a big ole bottle of alcohol . . I had even bought the alcohol and gone to the ATM. But my brother NEEDED me to help him buy things for people, which led to me buying things, and we have picky family members AND he has a picky significant other . . oh jayzus, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

MappyB - Have I told you how much happiness you bring into my life! You crack my stuff up! Between what you post on Bones and what you do here . . I'm in stitches.

Chairborne - Why do I keep divulging the secrets of women? Girl moments, cattiness . . .what's next?

Beachgirl - I'm catty. I admit it readily. I even apologize for it - sometimes.

Rolligun - Uh huh.

BG - LOL, you did miss something. Maybe you need to go back and read our back and forth comments to each other again. Poor Rolli made an ill-advised admission . . .

Shife - My life is NOTHING if not a series of weird moments.

TFS - see what happens when you don't finish reading! :)

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I hate catty bitches too (and people who pee on escalators). I DO condone peeing outside behind a tree or in an alley if you are drunken and in pain because you have to go so badly and there's nowhere else to go. I mean I guess it's still the same point - don't go in your pants. That's disgusting.
The catty bitches suck. I deal with it when I'm with my boyfriend and he deals with it when he's with me. People have no respect. I mean guys who oggle at girls when they're with their boyfriends should be slapped in the face for having the balls to think she'd pay em the time of day and girls who look at a guy with his girlfriend should be slapped in the face for having the nerve as well. It's so rude.
I can't believe you don't WATCH. the O.C. I thought you of all people would! :(