Friday, December 30, 2005

The Things We Do for Free Drinks

And this post is dedicated to Laurie, because it ties in so neatly with her last post:

I was bad last night.
I admit it.
I didn’t even have the intentions of being bad.
I didn’t even dress for being bad!!
Which made it worse, because now in all the pictures of me being bad . . . I look like I should be raking my yard.

Well, that’s not entirely true.
Southern Belles do not exit the house without proper attire and makeup.
But it was, like, standard grocery shopping clothes.
Not going out clothes.

Slinky black slit neck top.
Perfect fit, boot cut jeans.
Black leather, pointy heeled boots.
Silver dangling earrings.

Nothing else.
No jacket or cute little accessories.
Just black top, jeans, boots.
Woo hoo, boys hang on to your hats.

I pick Matt and Crystal up and we head to the bar.
We’re supposed to meet Becca there with others before she leaves to go back home to North Carolina.
However, per usual, there’s a hiccup.
Becca’s “other” friends don’t want to go where we want to go.
They want to go (no offense, because I love these places, too, but NOT last night) to the cute little yuppie bars and have hotties in suits hit on them.
Normally, I’m down.
Last night, I was exhausted from a week with family, moving of furniture, drama from friends and in need of low keyedness.
Screw ‘em.
Matt, Crystal and I decide we’re going where we want.
They show up - they show up.
They don’t - who cares.

The bar (how scary is this - but fun at the same time) is in a bowling alley.
This allows us to cover all our bases:

Bowling lanes - in case we feel athletic.
TV’s - so we can watch our college football games.
Great music - need I explain?
Pool tables - so I can humiliate myself.
Foosball (sp??) tables - so I can watch Matt humiliate himself.
Snack bar that serves ACTUALLY really damn good food - so we can get our eat on.
Karaoke - in case we get REALLY drunk and imagine ourselves to be William Hung.
And most importantly - THE BAR!!!

We are the ONLY people in the bar area.
Everyone else is bowling.
This only makes things better.
I make fast friends with the handsome, older man bartender.
A - because he hates OU as much as I do.
B - because he’s a cutie.
C - because making friends with the bartender is ALWAYS a good idea.

We are already having a hell of a good time when in walks another bar/bowling alley employee.
Meet Victor.
Handsome enough guy.
Little tipsy.
This bothers NONE of the other employees.
Apparently drinking on the job is encouraged.
Plus - he’s been off the clock for a while.

I should preface this.
Matt and Crystal introduced me to others in college with the following:
“This is our friend, Meghan. She will offend you.”
Uh huh. That’s me. It’s okay, I embrace it.
I got this tag line because I don’t back down.
I don’t filter my thoughts before they trickle out of my mouth.
No topics are off limits.
And that makes other people uncomfortable.
Whatever.

Victor announces after mere seconds that he’s a nymphomaniac.
But that it’s okay because his girlfriend is, too, and therefore MOST of the time, his problem is handled.
We don’t know why he announces this.
But this launches a pretty tipsy Matt into a conversation about “sex furniture” that he discovered on the internet while at work the other day.
And Victor, of course, suddenly becomes our long lost best friend who is completely in-the-know about sex furniture.

Victor says something about not wanting to offend the ladies, nor wishing to make them blush.
Crystal shoots a bit of her Sex-On-the-Beach through her nose and then states through laughter:
“Very doubtful that you can get me to blush and I assure you Meg will never blush. She’s immune to offense.”

Bad idea.
Victor takes this as a challenge.

He then, in great detail, begins to tell us what a burden it is to be “blessed” in the genitalia region.
He describes his length.
I, God save me and teach me to back down and NOT feel challenged when someone is challenging me, inform him that all the length in the world won’t help a man who has no girth.
Victor slams a coke can down on the bar and looks at me meaningfully.
“Nu uh. It’s getting deep in here, someone fetch me some waders.”
Victor starts to undo his belt.
I scream.
Danny - the older man bartender - grabs his hand, looks at me and says: “He will show you. Look over there, notice a bar table is missing? Ask Victor what happened.”

Victor apparently had another doubting Thomas.
The owner’s female friend.
So he picked her up, plunked her on a bar table, and began to . . . mimic the act of sex.
I’m not believing it - but Danny and two of the kitchen girls assure me it’s true.
Matt is impressed.
Crystal is wondering.
I am a-feared.
Because Victor is showing a bit too much interest in me.

Brad and Scott show up.
Thank God.
Brad is gay - but for some reason is so touchy, feely on me that most people think we’re a couple.
But Victor is sharp.
“Meg, come back here behind the bar with me for a minute.”
I don’t know why I do it, but I do.
Yes, I know why.
Make friends with the employees.
Go behind the bar.
You’re practically GAU-REN-TEED free drinks.

Turns out the owner of the bar/bowling alley is gay.
And single.
And Brad’s just his type.
We dial up the owner.
Oh yes, folks, we did.
He shows up minutes later.

However, before he arrives. . . .
I inadvertently challenge Victor’s manhood again.
I still don’t know what I said.
But I was assured by both Brad and Matt that I did challenge him.
The next thing I know, I have been lifted off the barstool and am being bounced like a baby on Victor’s waist!
I’m screaming at him to put me down.
Matt and Scott are taking pictures.
Bar patrons (yes, the bar started to fill up - hilarity brings people in) are encouraging him.
I’m still screaming.
He finally sits me down ON TOP of the bar.
Then takes my hand and runs it . . . holy buddha. God save me, I blushed eight shades of red, snatched my hand back as quickly as possible and then very quietly exclaimed in a high voice to those around me that Victor is not a liar.
Danny - the bartender and Sean - the owner, pull me over to the other side of the bar and give me free drinks to calm my frayed nerves.
Remind me to be molested, shocked and appalled more often.
I like free drinks.

Before we even know what has happened . . . it’s well past closing time.
Everyone, save our group - which has rapidly expanded to 5 ladies, 12 men and then tack on the bar staff and the owner - has left.
Sean is serenading us on the karaoke machine.
I’m still drinking free drinks.
I’m dancing with the other bartender - Andy.
Victor has gone home to his girlfriend - who text mails me later to THANK ME for arousing him so much that she had the best sex of her life . . .. . . ummm . . . several questions:

How the bejeezus did he get my cell number? - answer: I left it at the bar on one of my trips to the bathroom, he called his phone and stored my number (all relayed to me by Sean - the owner)

What kind of relationship do they have that his live-in girlfriend of 5 years text mails me to THANK ME for arousing him? - answer: I thought it was a hoax, I thought it was him text mailing, so I called the number. She answered and thanked me in person. Umm, a very freaky relationship.

What did I do to arouse this man? - answer: Be me, of course. But on a serious note, I have NO idea what the hell that boy was jonesing over.

Anyway, the moral of this whole convoluted, makes no sense, whatthehellwasthispost post is:

Be yourself.
Let boys touch you SEMI-inappropriately. But NOTHING that you wouldn’t tell your mother about. That is not allowed. Back rubs and shoulder rubs and the occasional ass slap are okay - and that is all I allowed. I assure you.
Make friends with the staff.
Especially the owner.
And before you know it - you have the run of the joint.
And free drinks.
And free passes to bowl whenever.
And a bevy of new friends.
Even if they are a bit . . . umm . . . yeah.

21 comments:

Jenni said...

Rock on, Meghan! Sounds like you had a great time. But yeah, Vic and his chick sound FAAREEEKY!!

trueborn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
trueborn said...

I was the deleter.
Dyslexia hate I!
There you go again inciting the male populace! I'm wondering about this power you have over men and whether yours truly would be immune:)

Hope you're having a great day Darlin.

Drunken Chud said...

hahahaha, that's awesome. i too am a fan of making friends with the bar staff. the bar i like to go to, they "forget" to charge me for about half of my drinks. some nights, they "forget" i was even there. and then i see some of my friends who treat the staff like shit, and bitch about their tabs... hahahahahahaha! suckers! a simple smile and some small talk gets you in the door, then the next thing you know you're grabbin waitress asses and getting staff to pop their tops, cuz, "that chud is so zany!". hehehehe. rock on meghan... rock on.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Sounds like you are having a great time over there-keep it up and keep looking great!

Steph said...

You wear WHAT to go grocery shopping?? ohhh girly, I'm lucky if i change outta my pygamas to go shopping let alone apply makeup! You is a princess :P

Sounds like you had a crazy time. I dunno about the semi-innapropriate touching. The feminazi in me would have snapped his member OFF!

Can't wait to hear your NYE stories ;)

janestarr said...

Meg- It only takes how many hours from StL to Little Rock? Drunken molestations and making family with the bartenders is good times baby...okay, so I might have a little feminazi reaction like Steph, but hey with a few drinks that might just go right out the window ;)

Have a great weekend Meg, you deserve every delight life gives you.

Coyote Mike said...

I will skip the penis jokes and move right to making fun of your for your clothes:

You put on makeup to go to the grocery store? The only people around here who do that are wannabe soccer moms who drive huge suvs, shove botox in their foreheads, frost their hair, and have a scarf to match every outfit.

I prefer to hit the 24 hour place in sweats at midnight and hope I don't fall asleep in the canned fruit aisle.

Coyote Mike said...

Of course, I'm also the guy who teaches college english in jeans, a t-shirt, and worn down western boots.

meghansdiscontent said...

Jenni - It was a load of fun. But the whole Victor thing is still bothering me . . . . wierdness.

Trueborn - There is no immunity, sweetie. I win all men over! :) Can't you tell?? ha ha ha, I wish.

Drunken Chud - Yay! You know the benefits!

Chairborne - dear, I am having fun . . but not nearly as much as I would be having with you! :) As for looking great, umm, babe, hellllloooo, as though I would leave the house in a state of disarray.

Steph - I wish I wasn't so vain. I think it's the sickness. I can remember going grocery shopping in bumblebee slippers, Steve's pajama pants and an old fraternity t-shirt. But when your damn looks start to go . . . you do everything possible to make sure people see you looking your best. As for MY stories . . . honey, you better share YOUR NYE story, too. I doubt our dear Steph is going to have a boring night!

Janestarr - It's not far at all!! :) Depending on your idea of far. Anything less than 12 hours is close to me, but I love to drive. And I assure you, it was the drinks that held back whatever inner feminazi I hold. I just kept thinking "If they total your tab so far . . . you're going to owe a small fortune. It's perfectly fine to let him stroke your back for $100." Have a great weekend yourself! Don't ride any bulls! :) Kiss someone!!

Coyote Mike - Umm . .well, I do drive a huge SUV. I will never NEVER frost my hair (scary!). I don't do scarves . . at least, not often. But I don't own sweats either. Nor do I own western boots. Good on ya for teaching in jeans and a t-shirt though, Tex. :) I can see why the new girl is so smitten.

mrshife said...

It is almost 3 in the morning, and I don't know why I am up but I just read your post and it was awesome. What a great night.
Happy New Year.

Darius Torque said...

I just popped over to thankyou for visiting my ol blog.

Oh my Gawd!!! Sounds like your the sort of young lady I'd of made a 'bee-line' for in my single days!!

Lot of love

Darius

Mad Munkey said...

Bwahahaha - that is funny. Sounds like you had a good time though. I need to find a set of female bartenders that will give out free drinks. lol

Oh, btw - I'm Mad Munkey, nice to meet you. I'm blog surfing through links from my readers sites. I think I'm about 8 times removed now. lol I've entered a completely different circle of blogs where no-one looks familiar.

Chairborne Stranger said...

happy new year!

janestarr said...

Meg- I love to drive as well, under 10 hours for me is a breeze, we will have to think about that at some point! And for a clear tab, I know, I know, such whores we are sometimes. Oh well, can't have morals all the time, not when free drinks are in the mix. I'll try to find someone to kiss just for you ;) Take care and have a great night as well.

Ang said...

That SO sounds like my kind of night!! I would love to join you one day!!
A few drinks in my and what little natural filter I have shuts off and only the strong survive! When you are with the right group it can work out marvelously though!!

Happy New Year my dear!

Rolligun said...

That was hillarious...you're a good time meghan, it doesn't sound like I would have been needed, but otherwise I would have in the front row inadvertantly encouraging ole vic to take his game to heights.

Was that story an epic, the format kind of confused me?

meghansdiscontent said...

MrShife - I hope you got some sleep!! Thanks and Happy New Year to you as well!

Darius Torque - About time you visited me! LOL, sweetie, I am fun . . but I don't know that I could have kept up with you!

Mad Munkey - Welcome! Welcome! I had a blast and free drinks are ALWAYS welcome. Maybe you'll visit again and get a whole new group you can call "familiar."

Ang - Consider yourself to have an OPEN invitiation! I'm always willing to party with a fellow "Radar Love" girl! Get your butt down here!

Rolli - Logging Chain, you're always needed. However, Vic needed NO more encouragement. Are you telling me you wouldn't have rescued me??? Gosh, where's that white knight that military men are supposed to personify? :)

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Before I make my true comment (I have not finished reading yet)...

Since you asked.."Foosball (sp??)" - I have a game table with that included and it's Fusbol for future reference. For a long time I thought it was foozball. You and I, we think alike.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Coyote Mike - Imagine how I feel..I am a nanny..and when I take the kids to the bus stop in the morning - at 8:30 in the morning..the "soccer moms" are all there dressed like they're goin clubbin' in their booty shorts, heels, and hurrr did and makeup did and I'm feeling like the bummiest bitch in my attire that I picked out half asleep which could pass for pajamas.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Omg you are right about victor's relationship! If my boyfriend came home from work or anywhere else and told me he was aroused from another girl, I'd a)demand explanations while crying and screaming and b) break up with him after the fight. Dry humping someone with clothes on is just as bad as doin the real thing if you're in a relationship!!

p.s. - totally 100% pure natural not from concetrate - I agree about making friends with bartenders. Always a must.

p.p.s. - i used to bowl on a league from 5th - 9th grade

p.p.p.s. - when you naturally have "it," it doesn't matter what you wear - they will come and you know this.