Sunday, January 01, 2006

Lessons Learned on New Years

1: We are old. Beachgirl more so than me. :) She’s sitting here admitting to it. We were home and in bed right before 4 AM. I would have danced the night away, but around 3, Beachgirl looked forlornly at me and said “My feet hurt! Are you ready to go?” I am nothing if not polite to guests. We got outta there.

2: Birdie and my friend K. are older than we are - at least in spirit. They had left 45 minutes before we did. We dialed them up and met them at the Waffle House down the road. Which, of course, is a story in itself. Short version: They had ordered and finished eating by the time we arrived. We weren’t hungry, just wanted some water and to tell the girls goodnight. BIG argument ensues at the counter. Apparently the Waffle House didn’t have a working credit card machine on New Years. Also, they don’t take checks. Unfortunately, there were no signs - nor any waiters/waitresses - informing the patrons of this. K. and Birdie had NO cash. And had a sarcastic bout of arguing with the staff of the (ha ha ha) restaurant. No Cash Night at the Waffle House. Watch out kids, what’s next?

3: A. doesn’t dance so much as catwalk. My lovely stylist (who made us BEAUTIFICUS before going out) has an unusual form of dancing. She’ll dance for a few minutes, then point at no one in particular and walk 10 feet, do a spin turn and walk back. That is her signature move. The drunker she gets, the more unsteady and confusing the walk. By the time we left, Beachgirl was sure she didn’t know her own name. I was sure she was living up to her promise of not leaving until “they shut the place down and kick me out OR the police escort me out for poor conduct.”

4: When there are no attractive SINGLE males about at midnight, you can kiss every girl in sight. Beachgirl kissed 3 girls to my 4. The fourth was my friend M. M. is gorgeous. Were I to go gay, I would go straight to her. Beachgirl concurs.

5: The food at Nu is AMAZING. And completely worth the small fortune you have to plop down. Also, the waiters are hot hot hot. And, to make you feel even better, the entire restaurant is glass windows. Thus allowing every person walking through the River Market district to stare in at your table. Our table was in the corner of the restaurant thus allowing us two angles of approaching New Years partiers. Men LITERALLY - ask Beachgirl - licked the glass at our windows. There was a lot of pointing and one particular male offered marriage to us. Interesting, interesting. We also got to see the MANY fashion mistakes others make. One particular woman was decked out in a coral tulle dress. It was so frightening. I still haven’t fully recovered.

6: We are old. Yes, we addressed this in number one, but this further illustrates the point from a totally different angle. At several times during the night, boys would begin grinding upon us and we would turn to see them and discover - holy Buddha! They are 12 years old! Wait, wait, this club is 21 and up only. . . . and yet. At several times during the night you could hear us addressing each other and them with comments such as “Umm, yeah, I would let him keep dancing with me, but I have a requirement that men have pubic hair before I grind on them.” or “Does mommy know you’re out past curfew?” or, my particular favorite, Beachgirl’s all out “Are you even old enough to be in this club???? You have no clue what song they’re even playing, do you??” - in case you’re wondering - it was AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.”

7: A. and M. deserve awards. I am the baby of the group. I could have and would have, had not Beachgirl needed to return home (thank you, doll, I hurt so bad today! I can only imagine what it would have been like if I had stayed until closing!), kept up with M. and A. for the rest of the night. But I have to give those ladies credit. A. is 34 and M. is 28. They are older than Birdie and K. who left first, definitely older than moi, and A. is older than Beachgirl. But they were still going STRONG when we meandered our way out the door. I am 99.9% certain they were there until closing. Those ladies are inspirational. A. is my new hero. I want to be just like her when I’m 34. Stamina, wise. I don’t know that I want to be at the club until 6 AM when I’m 34. Don’t tell her, but I think it’s a bit . . . umm . . . well, I just hope my clubbing til daylight days are over by that stage of my life.

8: There are men who are prettier than we are. Discovery, our club of choice last night, boasts a drag show. Ms. Gay Arkansas 2005 had a body I would have killed for. And his/her make-up was flawless. Ummm, he/she was beautiful. And could DANCE. A friend of A.’s was a 6'3" gorgeous male, posing as female, and had more offers for illicit things than ANY of the girls in our group. We spent half the night pondering “Do these boys even know that she’s a man??” The answer, kids, is NO. They didn’t. THAT is how pretty this boy was. When Beachgirl and I left, he/she was sandwiched between two pretty hot guys, one of which was kissing his/her neckbone. . . I couldn’t help but wonder - will he kiss low enough to determine that those breasts are all padding??

9: The techno room is fun, the drag show room is relaxing but the main dance floor is the place to be if you want straight males. Plus, it’s not like you can bust out old school dance moves in the techno room - it just doesn’t fit. However, on the main dance floor, K. and I put our youth to good use. She busted out “The Sprinkler” while I did the “Roger Rabbit” and Birdie relearned “The Snake.” Beachgirl wowed us with her ability to STILL do “The Butterfly” with grace and poise. Oh God, I just made another argument proving we’re old, didn’t I?

10: Kissing straight, single men at midnight. It’s almost midnight and we’re at a table in the drag show room. Someone - probably Beachgirl - realizes that we have to find boys before midnight, and it ain’t happenin at the drag show tables. K. stands up and announces “Come on girls, I’ve got 14 minutes to find my future!” and we shimmy out the door. I’m not sure why we didn’t find any males to kiss. Possibly because they were all attached. When, oh when, did New Years become the couples night out that it is??? The FEW single, straight males in the joint didn’t show up until well past midnight. Well, that’s not true. There were single males before then, but none you would want planting their lips on yours.

11: The futility of making lists. Beachgirl performed almost none of her top five things to do on New Years:

1 - Dancing on a table - didn’t happen. Mainly because the ONLY tables are in the drag show room . . . and there’s no music in there unless a show is on.

2 - Drink until her Southern Accent shines through - umm, we didn’t drink all that much. Don’t get me wrong, we got our drink on, but nothing that would make our livers scream in protest. However, her Southern accent is strong enough that the addition of alcohol wouldn’t alter it enough for me to notice. At least, I think not.

3 - Taking off her clothes - yeah, it happened. Just not in the club. It happened in the vehicle. It’s not as though a corset, particularly when worn as a shirt, is comfortable. Especially after hours of sitting down to dinner, sitting at a drag show and then dancing your ass off. She has the bruises to prove it. By the time we reached the vehicle, she already had the corset half off. It was completely off for the drive home. Hmmm . . does that mean she DID accomplish her task of stripping or no???

4 - Men putting money in her G-string - didn’t happen. But we did allow men to ogle us and were told on several occasions that we had “nice racks.” Buying of drinks from others did occur, however. Does this count . . drinks are more than $5 and I would rather see that money in the bar tender’s register than in our panties?

5 - OTHER - umm, yep, definitely occurred.

There is so much more to say, but we’re both so TIRED and SORE that we can’t remember EVERYTHING we wanted to tell you guys. Can’t you tell by how disorganized and ill-worded the above post is? Maybe there will be a second installment that makes more sense. I already told Beachgirl that she has to blog about her trip down here and the fantabulousness that is ME and Birdie and our crew. Humble, ain’t I?

We hope you guys had a great New Years and look forward to reading your posts!!! Let us know if you have any questions about our weekend endeavors! In the meantime, be sure and answer the following question in your comment: Who, if anyone, did you kiss at midnight????

33 comments:

Lizzie said...

I love A's catwalk dance. too funny!!!

Chairborne Stranger said...

Now that was a good post! Very informative! What about #4? I can't just take your word for it-Pk and I need pictures.

Poor BG-she didn't get to finish her list either. 1 and 2-you get a pass. 3 I'll buy it. 4--Hmm, not sure if that counts. I'd say no. Pk? 5--again-pictures are proof.

I got to kiss no one.No women anywhere! I did manage to get my coat and digital camera stolen or lost though.

Tiffany Always said...

Still laughing just too funny!!!I wish all a blessed 2006

meghansdiscontent said...

Lizzie - Honey, you should have seen it . . . that girl, OMG.
And you didn't answer the question!!! Whom did you kiss???

Chairborne - Angel, see your sight for my MAIN comment to this . . . but as for pictures, no WAY. Uh uh. Do you have any idea what would happen if the wrong people came across those???? I'm not sure my therapy patients would appreciate their therapist tonguing chicks.

Tiffany Always - Welcome! Glad I could make you laugh! Happy New Year!

Eunuch said...

There is no doubt you had a fantabulous time, and I'm glad you and BG were able to get your groove on for most of the night. Wish I could have been there, in more ways than one...

As for me, at midnight, I was kissing NOBODY...big surprise. But it's kind of tough when the girlfriend is 12,000 miles away and with another chick!

And no matter what you say about the pictures, I would at least like to see a couple!

Chairborne Stranger said...

Is Birdie a good kisser? I commented about you and her on my site.

E-I'm with you, man-kissing no one! Sucked.

beachgirl said...

Ok- chiming in here... It was a good time had by all... I will say this about Birdie... she had the yummiest lip gloss.... I think it was strawberries....

As far as taking my clothes off.. yes, as soon as I got into the car I unzipped the corset so I could breathe... but the "girls" looked fab, the things women will go through for looking good...

Chairborne Stranger said...

um, strawberries...

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

My boyfriend kissed the beer bong right at midnight (he planned to do this) and so I technically didn't kiss him until like 12:02. This proves which is more important..the beer or the girl.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

chairborne - did you find your coat and camera yet? Ew! I hope no one stole it! Pooh what a shame. :(

meghansdiscontent said...

Eunuch - Hey sweetie, you were on our minds, I promise. And I'm pretty sure there are thankful thoughts here about you NOT kissing anyone. I hope you don't begrudge me allowing Beachgirl a little girl on girl action. NO pictures. NOT from me anyway . . what you convince Beachgirl to give you privately, well, that's another story.

Chairborne - Ah, she's a-ight. I'm better. :)

Beachgirl - What the hell could I possibly add?

Chairborne - There were good tasting lipglosses all about. Mine was peppermint, Birdie's was strawberry, A.'s was rasberry, M.'s was standard Lancome, K's probably Lancome as well since she worked there, too.

Laurie - Honey, it is a well known fact that beer comes before biatches. :) At least you kissed a male though - the closest I came to male lip action were the phone calls I kept getting all night. Yabbering does not equate.

Chairborne Stranger said...

laurie-not yet! still looking.

Meghan-did you want a male kiss? seems that girl on girl was what was being offered.

Kate said...

Not commenting on the girl kissing thing.

But I love the Waffle House, especially early in the a.m. I didn't think any of them took credit cards. Hash browns covered and smothered...YUM.

I kissed Mr. Kate. No surprises there.

meghansdiscontent said...

Chairborne - OF COURSE I wanted boy kissing! I'm not a lesbian . . . no offense to anyone who is. I need boy kisses.

Kate - Thank you for NOT commenting. I think the girl kissing thing has been beat to death. Ugh. As for the Awful Waffle, I hate to admit it - but I adore it, too. Just covered though . . no smothered for me. And you're VERY lucky to have a Mr. Kate to kiss. :) I'm envious.

qwer said...

Best...New Years Post...EVAR!!!! ;o)

And you're not old...even though I have no idea what any of those dance moves are ;op

Sounds like you guys had an awesome time :o) I'm glad you had a good one!

qwer said...

And there is nothing wrong with lesbians!! ;op

trueborn said...

Honey, I would've kissed all of you had I been there, definitly toe curlers too. I had no single non-hammered women around me last night, so I went kissless:(

Man I wish I had been with you guys last night.

Oh and you are not old. What does that make me? Ancient?

You are lovely, young and kind, may you have a wonderful New Year, Babe.

Barry S. said...

Going home at 3am constitutes old-timer activity? I must be with trueborn in the nursing home.

Personally, I kissed my lovely wife at midnight.
We had a nice, quiet evening home...checked out a few new pages in the Kama Sutra, just like every other New Years...yada yada yada

Sounds like y'all had a good time!

beachgirl said...

Barry- You can't yada,yada over sex!!! I'm glad someone got some REAL action last nite!!

Meg- arn't you going to tell them about... oops, nevermind.. I forgot Vegas rules were envoked last night....

beachgirl said...

OMG!!! I forgot about the Guido in the black fur vest with no shirt underneath- the gold Mr.T chains- and the black slicked back hair... and he was STRAIGHT.... I kid you not.. I think he had the hots for meg- I saw the way he was undressing her with his eyes... gurrrlll... that was probably some hot I-talian lovin you missed out on!!!

I think meg's going to have to bathe after reading that one- BLECH!!

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I'm laughing my hiney off at the fact that beachgirl coined a guy as "Guido." I too, have met a few Guidos in my time. Also, a few Jose's (random oggling Mexican dudes) and Tiny's (these are the huge black guys who look like somebody's bodyguard).

I have nothing against any races I am just giving examples of names my girlriends and I use.

Coyote Mike said...

I don't think you're old. Just getting more sensible.

Umm, did you get any pics of Beachgirl doing her in-car strip? Those would be good to post if you ever need to get revenge on her for something.

janestarr said...

Oh the restaurant sounds fabulous! New Years actually turned out okay for me, after all that fussing it was bound to. That's what i get ;) I kissed two mens lip to lip, the rest are cheek kisses and not girl on girl action, sounds like missed out! Love you Megs, you are fabulous dahling!

meghansdiscontent said...

TFS - you say that about all my posts! :) And I adore you for it. And, OMG, seriously - - you don't know what those moves are?? You have to come to America immediately and let us educate you. They are SO scary. Here's one you WILL know though . . K broke out the ole "Robot" last night. HILarious.

True - Angel, we would have kissed you, too! I wish you had been with us as well. We would have shown you what you are missing not being down here with TRUE Southern belles. You are most definitely NOT ancient. Thank you for all the compliments, babe. Have I mentioned my adoration of you lately?? Be glad that you are SAFELY in another state.

Barry - When you are accustomed to being out until dawn, getting home around 4 is definitely OLD timer activity. :) As for your New Years festivities . . . remind me to marry a boy like you.

Beachgirl - HUSH! I'm not telling anyone MOST of what went on last night. What happened in Little Rock, stays in Little Rock!

Beachgirl, again - Oh NO you didn't bring him up! I do feel dirty all over again. Ugh . . . why is it that all the freaks attract to ME like a big ole magnet??

Laurie - Honey, you have NO idea the amount of Guidos, Jose's (denim vest, grinding on your BOOTAY, Beachgirl . . .oh the joys of the techno room) and Tiny's we ran into last night. I thought this ONE Tiny was going to club M over the head and drag her back to his blinged out Escalade out back. Wowzers.

Coyote - Beachgirl was sensible. I was just smart enough to follow her lead. I'm so glad she was here . .. otherwise I would probably STILL be dancing at the club. NO PICTURES! Any pictures we DID get are so going to be locked in a vault by a third party so we don't even know the combination. They are SO inflammatory.

Janestarr - You would have adored the restuarant! The shrimp basil bisque was to DIE for . . oh I can't go through all the courses, just thinking about the first course is making my mouth water. You HAVE to come visit and we will go to Nu. Amazing! Lucky girl, kissing men! LOVE YOU TOO, you fan-freakin-tastic creature you!

Steph said...

You certainly know how to partay! :)

Drunken Chud said...

hahahaha, now if one of you were to, say, break out the "charlie brown" and then do "the jerk", i would feel much better about myself. alas, ladies and gents, the drunken chud, though drunken, and chudly, was kissless on new years eve... but this is tradition, one that i want to break, but it works. see, there are three criteria, that when met, i am sure that the girl will be a keeper. you see, i was, for a long time, a manwhore. right now, i'm in a slump. but, the criteria are: a girl that 1. i kiss on NYE. 2. wears her lingerie for me, and 3. we actually start and finish a summer as a couple. pretty simple. i have never had a single one of those happen. 26 years old people. never. odd really.

kate- Hash browns covered and smothered. oh hell yes! make that double covered! but the drunker you get, the harder (more bostonian) you have to say the name as in, wAFL (think aflac duck) hASS.

qwer said...

ROFL! The Robot is truly legendary!

Rolligun said...

Excellent Recap, my little Razorback. Glad you all had such a good time, you're quite the social choreographer!

Number Six reminded me of a Story problem, "So how old is Jane?"

On sorry note I was unagle to complete the section on the drag show, I'm sure you understand.

I kissed nobody. I did however take a long shower...that might of been more answer than you were looking for.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

watch out for those Tiny's.

Officially Fabulous said...

Oh man, I'd take a drunken argument at Waffle House & chick fest over watching "Rear Window" and drinking diet coke (no champagne to be found) with my cast foot in the air. Talk about feeling OLD! And I just turned 31. No foot surgeries around new years ever again! Thanks for allowing me to live vicariously through you & beachgirl! : )

Thomas said...

Hahahaha. Great post. Your drag comments remind me of the worst dresser of drag I've ever seen: a 6'7" 260+ pound man with terrible implants belting out a Whitney Houston montage... NOT GOOD!

Ang said...

Hey darling! I am do glad you had such a great night!! I would have loved to be there....Although my night was much tamer, I would have kept you out much later if I was with you!
My only midnight kiss was my flatmate again. It was at home, so it wasnt nearly as exciting as when we have an audience, but nice none the less!

meghansdiscontent said...

Steph - This from the queen of partying herself??? :) And you didn't say who you kissed!

Drunken Chud - Kissless, say it ain't so? As for your aspirations in the area of women - good luck.

TFS - Uh huh.

Rolligun - Danka. Old enough to take Dick and Spot on at once. I do understand you not finishing the drag show portion. As for your long shower - overshares are always allowed.

Laurie - Ohhhhh yeah.

Officially 30 - WELCOME! :) You are so NOT old. And if you ever need a vicarious experience - feel free to ask. I'm willing to take one for the team.

Thomas - Oh NO NO NO. Mental. Images. Won't. Go. Away.

Ang - Doll, anytime you're game, I am! Let's arrange an all-nighter when you get back to the continent. Canada is always good fun . . and a bit strange.