Wednesday, February 15, 2006

And the Award Goes To . . . . . ???

And the top five conversations of the week (thus far) go to:

1 - My brother’s roommates

Background music - Sweet Child of Mine - Guns and Roses

Cody: Hey dude, if you could play guitar like that, I bet you could get someone to sleep with you.

Matt: I get girls to sleep with me all the time.

Cody: I can’t believe that. There aren’t THAT many stupid women out there.

Me: Cody, I think you underestimate the amount of women who will give a decent looking guy with no brains a pity fuck.

2 - An e-mail conversation regarding tact with a very wise friend:

His Side:

Tact is the way to tell a woman that she is fat...

Think this:

Woman: "Honey, do these jeans make me look fat?"

Answer A: Yes.
Answer B: Babes you make them look amazing.
Answer C: ~ignoring~ do you think this shirt is tight, damn I need to get back into the gym, wish I had a workout partner as hot as you to motivate me ~lustful look~
Answer D: No, they don't make you look fat, you are fat.

My Reply:

Think this:

If you're dating women insipid enough to ask you that question to begin with, they deserve the tactless answers.

I, however, never ask those questions.
I'm well aware that I'm fluffy.
Gotta love diseases and medications.
But if I ever get all out, jesus christ, save me from myself, fat . . .
Robin has agreed to smack me in the mouth with a sledgehammer.

Surely to God, I can't continue to gain weight if my jaw is wired together.
She has also agreed to do so if I ever stop getting asked out by men.
Because if that occurs, it's quite obvious that I'm too fat or too damn mouthy for my own good.
So . . . again . . . the sledgehammer solves both problems.

3 - Child center Preschool teacher Deedra:

Deedra: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Ms. Brittany.”

Smiling cheerfully, yet ruefully; “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Deedra: “Gonna give him some tonight?”

Brutal honesty: “If by him, you mean that lovely battery powered male appendage located in the top drawer of my night stand. Most certainly.”

Deedra: “What happened to that guy?”

Confused, and looking it: “Huh? What guy??!!?”

Deedra: “That guy you were with out in the parking lot the other day.”

Wan smile: “Oh, you mean Stalker #3.”

Her turn to look confused: “Stalker??”

Me: “Ohhhhh yeaaaaahhhh. That would be Mr. I Just Happened to Drive By Your House In Your Isolated Neighborhood 25 Miles From My Own at 2:00 A.M. on a Wednesday and Saw Your Lights On and Thought I Would Call Four Times in a Row and Text Mail In Case the Ringing Didn’t Get Your Full Attention.”

The Eternal Optimist: “He’s too fine to be a stalker.”

Alarmed, yet not surprised: “D, you judge stalkers on their fine-ness??”

Her own brand of honesty: “Yeah. And their bank accounts.”

Laughing: “D, isn’t that a bit shallow?”

Laughing, as well: “Not if you’re swimming in money with a fine man.”

Bemused: “D, aren’t you always complaining that your man is broke and quote, unquote not that cute?”

Patting me on the back: “Yeah. So you should really listen to me. This is the voice of experience talking. Go for the fine guys or the rich guys. If you can get both, marry it.”

I’m so not taking her advice.

4 - With a three-year old child in therapy:

Small back story - this particular child has very strict parents. With very odd rules.

We’re naming body parts.

Touching her elbow: “What’s this?”

K: “My elbow.”

Touching her stomach: “What’s this?”

K: “My tummy.”

Touching her foot/shoe: “What’s this?”

K: “My shoe.”

Confused as how to get the answer I want, because I don’t want to take her shoe off: “But what would it be if we took your shoe off?”

K: “A spanking.”

5 - My friend Amanda, with my voice-mail:

“Hey Britt, you skank, you never answer your phone. You suck. Boo! Anyways, I had some things to tell you but I know better than to leave them on your voice-mail because you never check your voice-mail either. Why do you have a cell phone? Or voice-mail? And why am I talking about all this on a voice-mail you’re never going to listen to? And yet here I am still jabbering away on this message. I wonder how long I can talk before it just cuts me off. Do you have a limit or can I recite the Gettysburg address on here. Not that I know the Gettysburg address. But I do know all the words to Ice, Ice Baby. Maybe I could recite that. But not sing it because you know I can’t sing. Alright. So. Yeah. I should stop leaving this message, but I’m bored so instead, here goes. Stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new . . . shit, there’s a beep, I bet I’m about to get cut off before . . . “ BEEP.


Steph said...

hahaha i love voicemail. I have some friends who think they're "funny" and like to leave me long winded crappy messages too. You is funny Megs, and your brother is too. It must run in the family.

Coyote Mike said...

When I first switched back from a cell to a land line, I also got dial-up service for my computer. And, everybody I knew started complaining that I never answered my phone or it was always busy. Now I have pirated wireless, and you know what? I never have any messages on my machine. So why was everybody complaining?

ChickyBabe said...

Love that voicemail message! I have a friend who never answers, so I may just have to borrow that ;). Thanks!

meghansdiscontent said...

Steph - My friends learned long ago that I DO NOT check my voicemail. If I see their number on Caller ID, I will eventually call them back. I don't need a message to tell me to do so. :) It does run in the family, though. My brother is far funnier than I am . . . and momma and daddy are twice as funny as he is.

Coyote Mike - You went to a land line??? I haven't had a land line since, wow, since I lived in the dorm and they just gave us one. :) Everybody was complaining because they want the OPTION of leaving a message. It's always good to have options.

Chickybabe - LOL, Amanda's a trip. DEFINITELY use that on one of your friends, but be more inventive with the song choices. Do ABBA or something worse.

Bone said...

"Mr. I Just Happened to Drive By Your House In Your Isolated Neighborhood 25 Miles From My Own at 2:00 A.M. on a Wednesday and Saw Your Lights On and Thought I Would Call Four Times in a Row and Text Mail In Case the Ringing Didn’t Get Your Full Attention"

Gee, thanks. I don't see why you gave me your number if you didn't want me to call ;-)

Ice Ice Baby and Sweet Child O' Mine? Love them both!

janestarr said...

Lol that was great. What would I do without you? I just don't know. Hmm, stalkers that are fine with a bank account, I think I would hold out for sanity, good idea.

Coyote Mike said...

I love not having a cell phone. I don't even have a wireless phone hooked to my landline.

Back in college, because I was bored, I recorded the entire "South Park" theme song as my school voicemail greeting.

meghansdiscontent said...

Bone - I gave you my number????? Oh . . oh . . a joke. I get it. :) Music, baby, music. Almost all of it is worth loving. Almost.

Janestarr - Sanity, it is. Good call. You are my true North. :)

Coyote Mike - I would die. I know I don't answer the darn thing, but business wise I have to have it . . and I email from it all day, and IM and make nine million business calls and text my friends. Wow. I'm a phone addict that never answers the phone. I did not know that about myself. Hun, we gotta find you some hobbies.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

My sister's one of those people who yacks for so fkn long on voicemail that she gets cut off...but then she calls back again to continue her cut off voicemail where she left off...but wastes even more time by explaining first, as if I am incapable of comprehending common sense "it's me again..I think I got cut off before.." no shit.

And that part about the kid and the shoes cracked me up. Thank you.

Rolligun said...

First of all I would like to note that we have similar communication habits.

Also, if your friend Amanda ever called me, I don't think my phone would physically make it the end of the message.

But she seems nice.

Ang said...

LOL (except the girl who whould get the spanking! I HATE that part of working with kids!!)

A friend and I used to live long bored voicemail messages as well! I miss her!

I know the words to Ice Ice Baby too!!
..invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly ...

meghansdiscontent said...

Laurie - That drives me INsane. Which is why I do NOT listen to voicemails. I normally listen to two seconds to determine if they're business related and if they're not . . DELETE. No one else ever has anything of importance to say. As for K's shoes . . . there are SO many kid stories I could tell.

Rolligun - I could have guessed about the communication habits . . but I liked being told. As for Amanda, she's good people, a little crazy sometimes, but good people.

Ang - So glad I'm not the only loser. It's SAD what songs and how many I know the words to ...flow like a harpoon, daily and nightly, will it ever stop ...

Anonymous Assclown said...

I don't know which is funnier - Amanda leaving that long-winded message OR you taking the time to transcribe it.

meghansdiscontent said...

Anon Cow - most definitely me taking the time to transcribe it. My life is boring like that. What else did I have to do? :)

Ang said...

yo! i don't know. turn off the lights...

Barry S. said...

Great post...I particularly enjoyed this:

2 - An e-mail conversation regarding tact with a very wise friend.

I had a similar conversation with my wife this morning! I told her she looked great in these sort-of tight pants she had on, which was the absolute truth. She agreed.

I also joked to her that even if she didn't look great it wouldn't have been the pants' fault. She also agreed!

beachgirl said...

My 2 fave conversations with megs this week were as follows:

bg:what up gurl
megs: over at my bro's house with a bunch of his fraternity brothers having dinner and drinkin'
bg: dang gurl, this may be the one and only time I wish I lived in Arkansas... go get em tiger!!!

Day after Valentine's Day..
bg: what up gurl
megs: hey how was last night (all concerned b/c the guy I WAS dating is a jerk and had NOTHING planned for V-Day)
bg: I got flowers...
megs: from the jerk?
bg: nope, from XXX!!!!
squeals and screams erupt
megs: oh gurl, that's awesome, he's back at the top of the list!!

angel, jr. said...

Tell your friend, you don't sing "Ice, Ice Baby", you rap it.

Drunken Chud said...

hehehehehhe. i am NOTORIOUS for hitting the stops on a voice mail time limit. last week i was drunk dialing, as i am a habitual drunk dialer, and hit the stops on my friend's voice mail, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in a row. i just kept calling back cuz her phone was off and i knew it wasn't going to wake her. hehehehehehe.

... and i'll glow. to the extreme i rock the mic like a vandal. light up the stage and jump like candle...

Drunken Chud said...

apparently, i suck. i was reading the lyrics i typed, and it didn't make sense. for the first time in the 16 years since it came out, i realized that line didn't make sense. so i googled the lyrics, and apparently, it's "wax a chump like a candle." not, "watch me jump like a canle" which i forgot the watch me part anyhow... d'oh! suckitude!