Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Heart Wants What It Wants

The first week without him was the hardest.
I skipped every class.
Which was ill advised, considering it was so close to finals.
I was a masochist.
I called his phone and hung up.
I just wanted to hear his voice.
I took his clothes from my closet and wore them.
When I should have been burning them.
I didn’t wash my sheets.
I could still smell him on them.
I slept on his pillow.

I became this mixed up ball of emotions.
Crying at the drop of a hat.
Laughing for no reason.
Screaming in my sleep.
I was a raw, exposed nerve.
My roommate threatened to commit me.
My friends threatened to kill him.
But I still wanted him.

I told someone today, “The heart wants what it wants.”
And that’s true.
Even when it’s been beaten and cut until it’s hemorrhaging.
After it’s been ripped from your body and stomped into the ground.
Covered in particles of brown dirt, black-dried blood and sticks and stones which were thrust into it by feet tamping it into the earth.
It still wants what it had.

Your mind plays tricks on you.
It doesn’t let you think about the horrors that have occurred.
The pain you have suffered.
The bad.
It tries to heal you by remembering the good that was.

When all that does is make you want to hold on.

The feelings that overwhelmed you in the beginning.
The caress of a lover’s hand.
The sound of his voice moaning your name during love-making.
The scent of his cologne lingering in your shirt after he’s held you too long.
The taste of the gum he was never without.
The sight of his smile when he laughed at your jokes.

It never lets him go completely.
Your mind keeps him in the back.
Waiting until you least expect it.
Until you’re sure that you’re over it.
Then a memory jumps to the front of the line and you fall into the ocean of pain you had just swum out of.
Falling back into the cold, dark abyss.
Water filling your lungs.
Flooding your ears.
So you can’t hear yourself screaming “Don’t do this to yourself again!”
You can only hear your heartbeat.
A tad off rhythm.
Skipping beats.
Reliving the passion that was, not the pain that is.

I would be walking up the stairs and collapse on the railing.
Tears streaming.
Breath stolen.
When minutes earlier I had been fine.
Happy.
Whole.
Suddenly, I was empty again.
Nothing without him.

How do we start to identify ourselves as a part of a whole?
When do we stop being enough on our own and depend on another to fulfill us?
Once we’ve done it and been betrayed, why do we do it again?
When we know what the outcome may be?

The first week without him was the hardest.
I didn’t eat.
I didn’t keep doctor’s appointments.
I wondered how it would feel to suddenly jerk the wheel to the right and careen into the large pine trees that lined the highway.
I imagined the impact.
Throwing me forward.
Thrusting myself through the windshield.
Shards of glass slashing through my skin.
It wouldn’t hurt.
It would feel good.
Because it would be the first time I had something to feel, something other than this.
Pain is relative.
Physical pain is welcomed when emotional pain won’t subside.

Do you ever really get over the end?
Years later, lying in bed with my husband, will I wake up screaming?
Will there still be days when I watch the hand of the clock tick backwards?
Will July ever start being my birth month again, and not the month that I lost a husband and a child?

He’s still in my life.
A different person than he was.
More open, more honest.
He sought help.
Therapists, support groups, church.

He still apologizes to me.
Every time we speak.
Admitting his selfishness.
Allowing that he was scared.
Understanding that I can’t forget.
But I have forgiven.
At least on a shallow level.
Deep down, we never really forgive anything.

He says he still loves me.
His voice grows soft with the truth of his feelings.
I believe him.
But it’s different than it was.

If I’m honest with myself, I know I’ve not moved on.
Every relationship after him was a fraud.
Going through the motions, saying empty words, turning moments into milestones.
Each one a growth from where I was.
But still leagues from where I should be.

The heart wants what it wants.
And all mine wants is to move on.

The first week without him was the hardest.
But today, today was bad too.

28 comments:

beachgirl said...

His hand on the small of back, that's where I still feel him... Sometimes those feelings never go away but there are other feelings that overshadow the old ones of only for a moment. Enjoy and savor the good moments, especially when you're experiencing the bad ones all over again... Trust me precious girl, it does get a little better with time....

Bone said...

Your writing is amazing. Mine, not so much. That being said...

I do not think you ever get over it. You just learn to live with the pain and scars. I've often wondered what the definition of getting over something would be. You start eating again. You think about it a little less often with each day, week, month, year. But it's always there.

I remember not eating for days. Not out of self-pity. But with that feeling of losing everything that was my world and knowing it would never be OK again in the pit of my stomach, I just wasn't hungry.

And sleeping. For when you are hurting that much, sleep is wonderful. It was the only time and place I could find relief.

Sorry that was kinda long.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Well, that was a bright ray of sunshine.

BEVIS said...

Wow, I know those feelings! It gets easier, I promise. (Especially when you move on to someone so much better! Which may sound like a pipe dream, but it will happen - or possibly already has.)

:)

In other news ... I've tagged you. However, feel free to disregard it if memes are not your thing. Cheers.

*runs away*

Drunken Chud said...

i have nothing to contribute, but i felt like posting a comment. i can relate, a little. but not really.

i said...

But I have forgiven.
At least on a shallow level.
Deep down, we never really forgive anything.


... isn't this the case with so many things ... :/

iain.

Leila said...

well nothing i can say ill make you feel better, so i won't try.

but waste as little of your life on this depression, part of you must know that it wasn't meant to be...?

'the harder you love the harder you fall out of love'

best of luck, be strong

meghansdiscontent said...

Beachgirl - I know, chica, but damn . . when?? It's been almost 4 years. Four years and I still find myself in these feelings from time to time. I know, I know, I'm a whiney biatch.

Bone - You're out of your damn mind. First of all - I read your post today and if that's not amazing, I don't know what is! Second - never EVER apologize for leaving me a long comment. The longer, the better, particularly from you. Third - I know how you felt. I just COULDN'T eat, it wasn't pity it wasn't for attention - it was just . . I couldn't eat. My stomach was so knotted with dread and pain that there was no room for food. And the same with sleep. I would sleep for 18 hours at a time, then be awake for 48. I sometimes wonder if my insomnia now is a result of that time in my life.

Arm - Angel, how do you manage to only drop in on the shitty posts?

Bevis - I could say the same thing to you that I just said to Arm. Though, dear, I have missed you're froggy little behind. I will do the meme, it just may take a day or two. I still have to do a tag by Trueborn and that was over a week ago!

Chud - I'm glad you can't relate. I mean that.

i - So true. So true.

Leila - Thank you for the quote and the well wishes. I think I may place that quote on my wall of quotes in the office. It's an amazing one. Though, now I wish I hadn't loved quite so deeply or so hard.

Indiana said...

Babes, a heart that has touched another and has been touched in return is a heart worthy to have.

Read this: a perfect heart

And know that the scars on our hearts are what makes us all the more beautiful.

meghansdiscontent said...

Indy - Honey, that was almost as good as the SITC reference. :) Almost. Thank you, doll. I had never read that. I needed to remember that the hurt is what proves we can still feel.

Coyote Mike said...

Again you have left me speechless, but I wanted you to know that I am still here.

janestarr said...

My eyes full of tears right now, that is EXACTLY what happened last week. It is awful and I totally understand wondering what would happen if you swayed to the right, just to feel anything different then this...this pain pressing on your chest until the world is blurry. Man, it sucks like nothing else. I don't know if you really get over the past, although it does fade. I ran into my first love last summer and it was still sooo familiar, I wanted to be next to him, I kissed him, but it is done. I know that. Sometimes I wonder if he feels the finality like I do. Sometimes I wonder if I am in his shoes now, just waiting for another chance. Although I sure as hell am going to flippin the tides, can't swim in darkness too long.

qwer said...

wow...Idon't know what to say hun. i wish there was something i could do to make it better. i know there isn't.

mrshife said...

That was pretty awesome writing. Thanks for sharing.

Bejeweled said...

How did you know? I thought I was the only one? You said exactly what I'm thinking. I saw myself in your words. I'm trying to let go. "The heart wants what it wants". Never were more words true. You can't rationalize with the heart. It won't be bargained with. Compromise is out of the question. But we do get over it, but that doesn't mean we have to forget.

PJ said...

I've been married 4 years, but I had never gotten over someone. Of course I love my husband dearly; I'd still wrestle with memories of this person from time to time. It was as if my heart would vacillate between 2 separate lives. It's difficult to explain. 2 years into my marriage I decided that I didn't want my heart wallowing like that anymore.

I got a piece of paper and i wrote down every single thing that man had done to hurt me - in every way, shape and form. Then i wrote down how it made me feel - humiliated, devastated, betrayed, rageful, psychotic, unrequited love that couldn't be mine...wouldn't be mine. Then I forgave him, out loud, for every item on the list. Then I released him.

I've never looked back. And my heart is my husband's. I'm not saying everyone works the same way or that this will work for anyone else.

The heart wants what it wants.

And when it wants to let go, it will.

Ang said...

for me it is his breath on my neck just behind my right ear...

you are right my dear, good days/bad days! we have the hurt because we had the good, and will have the good again...this time without the hurt!

*big hug*

ChickyBabe said...

"Do you ever really get over the end?"

Not always. Some people are very hard to let go of, no matter how much we try. Time is supposed to heal, but it doesn't always make us forget.

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote Mike - Should I be frightened that I leave the college writing professor speechless??

Janestarr - Honey, between you and Indiana I had to write this post. Just things you guys have posted lately and then my feelings today . . . I just - ugh. You get it. And that's EXACTLY how I felt - the whole world was blurry. HUGS to you. I know exactly what you went through last week.

TFS - You're a sweetie.

MrShife - Thank you, Shifey.

Pam - THAT is hope in words. THANK YOU!!! Someone who has been there and let go. Congrats!!

Ang - Have I told you how glad I am that you are back?!?!?!? Here's hoping we both get something without the hurt, soon! HUG

ChickyBabe - I don't know that I would ever really want to forget. There was too much good, even with the bad overshadowing it. I just want to not feel it as deeply. And to find someone else, a love that will make me realize that all the pain from Jeff will never matter.

meghansdiscontent said...

Bejeweled - I am SO sorry, I have no idea how I missed you! And, might I say, it's nice to see you! I've been reading about you on Janestarr's site . . . good stuff.

Now: You are so not the only one. I think that we all, to some extent or another, have this in us. At least the women! :) Rationalization rarely works on most things . . but the heart . . never. As for getting over it and forgetting, like I said to ChickyBabe, I'm not sure I want to. What and who he was to me made me a LOT Of who I am . . I never want to forget that and on some level, I don't want to get over it. It would change too much about me. I just want to find someone that helps me realize that I had to go through ALL of that to truly appreciate the ONE person I finally find. I still believe that he's out there . . and he will make everything with Jeff just a cloudy day in the middle of a beautiful life. (gay as hell, I know, but it's 5 AM, give me a break)

Steph said...

I have no words. I feel you though. I feel your loss and pain. I wish i could hug you.

Jenni said...

You make me live a little of it as I read it. And what's really scary is that we all have the potential to be you. That is, once we really fall in love.
The main point being, How can anyone know love like that and still hurt the one loving them so horribly?

Rolligun said...

That was a very intimate post, a fearless writer you are,

and

I think I'm gonna try and push back my interest in finding that girl, would have to hate writing something like this one day.

Trix said...

That was lovely, darlin...and the best part. It's obvious that you know you're going to be ok, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

angel, jr. said...

We're here for you, although it's only in cyberland!

Kate said...

Here's hoping that this writing is cathartic in a helpful way for you. Personally, kicking his butt would be pretty cathartic too. ;-)

Faltenin said...

Followed the link back from your comment, didn't expect to find so much to read. So much I couldn't read in one sitting.

I feel like a pin cushion, too many of these have hit way too close to home.

The other posts will have to wait. Hope they're all as beautiful.

I think I know understand why my own Letter #1 remained unsent. Leila is spot on (as usual). 'the harder you love the harder you fall out of love'. Maybe I knew I had to pass on this one.

Thanks...

meghansdiscontent said...

Steph - It's alright, babe. I promise. It was just a bad day. Indiana's post combined with Bone's just . . .argh. You know how those moments just HIT you.

Jenni - That's so true. And the only thing I can even think of is that he didn't feel the way about me that I did about him. Maybe he did, possibly that's why we're still communicating after all these years, but deep down . . . I think I was more IN love than he was. If that makes ANY sense??

Rolli - Thank you, love. However, please please please do not let MY past pain prevent you from finding your future. If I had to do it all over again, even knowing how it would end, I would. In a heartbeat.

Trix - Thanks, doll. And AMEN. I will be fine. It's just going to take more time and more healing. We're all fine in the end. Always.

Angel, Jr - And that's what I lurv about you guys! :)

Kate - It's VERY cathartic. But I know your opinion on Jeff. And believe it or not, fate has kicked him in the balls far more than I ever could. Let's just say this . . that boy has received the gift that keeps on giving . . and will never go away.

Faltenin - You are about to be SO disappointed. I can't even explain. About 20 % of the time I get serious and post some ACTUAL writing. The rest of the time it's all stupid crap that your dog could write. Ask ANYONE. Especially the anonymous commentors. They LOVE (ha ha ha) my work. The few times I decide to actual post some of the REAL things I write . . . maybe I should start marking them in some manner so people know what they should read??? The other crap should be printed and shredded to line your birdcage.