To Rolligun (who will laugh at me), to Trueborn (who already laughed at me, extensively) and to Laurie (who jinxed me):
Cops in Conway, AR are notoriously . . really trying not to cuss here . . . buttheads.
On EVERY level.
Seriously. Ask anyone.
I think the advertisement for the Conway Police Department must read:
Do you have a Napolean complex?
Do you enjoy taking the frustrations of your life out on others?
Do you have an IQ below 90?
Do you enjoy wearing blue pants that cut off the circulation to your legs and show everyone that you really do not have a penis?
If so, have we got the perfect position for you!
Conway Police Department
So, yesterday, while Laurie was jinxing me by posting on my blog at the EXACT moment that I got a ticket . . or two . . . about how I don’t get tickets (Laurie, I expect your half of the ticket money in the mail no later than Tuesday), I got a ticket. Or two.
Listen to this crap.
Or read it.
Whichever you prefer.
If you prefer to listen, my number is 555-565-9828.
There are FOUR exits from I-40 into Conway.
TYPICALLY, I take the first exit.
This SHOULD have happened yesterday.
I even felt it in my gut.
But I said to myself,
Self, you’re being lazy. You don’t need to go home and lie on the couch engrossed in the History Channel, you need to go to Target and return the oodles of things you bought as retail therapy and then decided you didn’t need/want. (Umm, yeah, this happens a lot)
So I waited for the second exit.
Seeing as it is closer to Target and further from my home.
As I’m passing UNDER the overpass that the first exit leads to, I notice two cops HANGING OVER THE SIDE OF THE BRIDGE!
And I think to myself,
Self, what the buddha??? Have the cops gone kamikazee? They finally realized the horrendousness of their uniforms combined with the ingestion of Maggie’s Cookies has left them no other option than suicide by bridge?
I should have paid more attention to what was in their hands.
ONLY in Arkansas and probably ONLY in Conway would this occur.
They were radaring people.
Tons of people.
And at the off-ramp of the first exit, cunningly hidden by a wall, was a line of police cars.
When I say “line” I mean miles of cop cars.
Dastardly waiting to be radioed the description of the offending vehicle and the speed at which they were traveling.
So that they may speed up behind you, put their disco lights on and make you want to cry.
And again, I say, Bastards.
I am the first nailed.
And boy am I.
83 in a 70. (I should be thankful for the 90 year old handicapped lady who cut me off, thus forcing me to reduce my speed from 92, but instead, I’m still pissed.)
Brace yourself for this.
A second ticket.
For no proof of insurance.
EVEN THOUGH . .
I explained to Officer Entrapment that I was held AT KNIFEPOINT while some thug took all the change and extraneous items from my console a week ago.
Extraneous items including my insurance card.
Ummm, yeah, so HOW THE BUDDHA can I show you a card that a crackhead stole??
“Ma’am, you should count yourself lucky that I’m only giving you two tickets. We’ve been informed that we should be giving you three. One for No Insurance and another for No Proof.”
Yeah, thanks for that.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
You should know that while Bucko was back in his car radioing in my information, I looked back to check and see if I was REALLY getting a ticket . . and what to my wondering eyes did appear:
But 4 flickering cop cars and 5 little pigs.
Lined up behind me like a parade.
Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, EVERYONE was getting a ticket.
And, no, it didn’t stop after I left.
I know this because as I’m exiting Target, I decide to take the back way.
Thus avoiding ALL contact with the interstate.
And the bevy of ignorant law enforcement officials.
Who should have murderers, rapists, drug dealers and thieves to catch.
But would rather harass busy people with places to be and no real desire to do society any harm: just some speeding.
The back way parallels the interstate.
And I see:
6 other people NOW pulled over.
All receiving tickets.
Further down the road, I see the parked line of police cars just waiting for dumb and dumber on the bridge to radio in more offenders.
3 State Troopers, 4 Highway Patrolmen, 5 Conway Police Cars and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
So I travel over the bridge where dumb and dumber are LAUGHING as they are radioing in these innocent travelers.
And I honk.
At least four times.
Hoping to startle one of them into falling over the bridge.
No such luck.
I knew I should have left yesterday.
I would have been no where near Coptown USA.