Thursday, March 23, 2006


To Rolligun (who will laugh at me), to Trueborn (who already laughed at me, extensively) and to Laurie (who jinxed me):

Cops in Conway, AR are notoriously . . really trying not to cuss here . . . buttheads.
On EVERY level.
Seriously. Ask anyone.
I think the advertisement for the Conway Police Department must read:

Do you have a Napolean complex?
Do you enjoy taking the frustrations of your life out on others?
Do you have an IQ below 90?
Do you enjoy wearing blue pants that cut off the circulation to your legs and show everyone that you really do not have a penis?
If so, have we got the perfect position for you!
Conway Police Department


So, yesterday, while Laurie was jinxing me by posting on my blog at the EXACT moment that I got a ticket . . or two . . . about how I don’t get tickets (Laurie, I expect your half of the ticket money in the mail no later than Tuesday), I got a ticket. Or two.

Listen to this crap.
Or read it.
Whichever you prefer.
If you prefer to listen, my number is 555-565-9828.

There are FOUR exits from I-40 into Conway.
TYPICALLY, I take the first exit.
This SHOULD have happened yesterday.
I even felt it in my gut.
No really.
But I said to myself,
Self, you’re being lazy. You don’t need to go home and lie on the couch engrossed in the History Channel, you need to go to Target and return the oodles of things you bought as retail therapy and then decided you didn’t need/want. (Umm, yeah, this happens a lot)
So I waited for the second exit.
Seeing as it is closer to Target and further from my home.

Big mistake.
As I’m passing UNDER the overpass that the first exit leads to, I notice two cops HANGING OVER THE SIDE OF THE BRIDGE!
And I think to myself,
Self, what the buddha??? Have the cops gone kamikazee? They finally realized the horrendousness of their uniforms combined with the ingestion of Maggie’s Cookies has left them no other option than suicide by bridge?
I should have paid more attention to what was in their hands.

ONLY in Arkansas and probably ONLY in Conway would this occur.
They were radaring people.
Tons of people.
And at the off-ramp of the first exit, cunningly hidden by a wall, was a line of police cars.
When I say “line” I mean miles of cop cars.
Dastardly waiting to be radioed the description of the offending vehicle and the speed at which they were traveling.
So that they may speed up behind you, put their disco lights on and make you want to cry.
And again, I say, Bastards.

I am the first nailed.
And boy am I.

83 in a 70. (I should be thankful for the 90 year old handicapped lady who cut me off, thus forcing me to reduce my speed from 92, but instead, I’m still pissed.)
Brace yourself for this.
A second ticket.
For no proof of insurance.

I explained to Officer Entrapment that I was held AT KNIFEPOINT while some thug took all the change and extraneous items from my console a week ago.
Extraneous items including my insurance card.
Ummm, yeah, so HOW THE BUDDHA can I show you a card that a crackhead stole??

“Ma’am, you should count yourself lucky that I’m only giving you two tickets. We’ve been informed that we should be giving you three. One for No Insurance and another for No Proof.”
Yeah, thanks for that.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.
You should know that while Bucko was back in his car radioing in my information, I looked back to check and see if I was REALLY getting a ticket . . and what to my wondering eyes did appear:
But 4 flickering cop cars and 5 little pigs.
Lined up behind me like a parade.
Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, EVERYONE was getting a ticket.

And, no, it didn’t stop after I left.
No, no.
I know this because as I’m exiting Target, I decide to take the back way.
Thus avoiding ALL contact with the interstate.
And the bevy of ignorant law enforcement officials.
Who should have murderers, rapists, drug dealers and thieves to catch.
But would rather harass busy people with places to be and no real desire to do society any harm: just some speeding.

The back way parallels the interstate.
And I see:
6 other people NOW pulled over.
All receiving tickets.

Further down the road, I see the parked line of police cars just waiting for dumb and dumber on the bridge to radio in more offenders.
3 State Troopers, 4 Highway Patrolmen, 5 Conway Police Cars and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

So I travel over the bridge where dumb and dumber are LAUGHING as they are radioing in these innocent travelers.
And I honk.
At least four times.
Hoping to startle one of them into falling over the bridge.
No such luck.


I knew I should have left yesterday.
Just driven.
I would have been no where near Coptown USA.


Bone said...

I think I feel pretty much exactly the same way everytime I get a ticket.

I love your Conway PD ad! This whole post was hilarious. I think it could become a new thing for you. Forget deep thoughts and revelations of your soul.

Unless of course, I ever decide to become a cop. Then you'll have to stop. Of course, I would be a good cop ;-)

Jenni said...

Most cops are trolls with a "little man" complex. I'd just a soon slap about half of the ones I work with. Your description is perfect!
Napolean complex, taking out frustrations, IQ below 90,wearing blue pants that cut off the circulation and BEST OF ALL NO PENISES!!!

Anonymous Assclown said...

A couple weeks ago in my area a man with 11 prior DUI convictions plowed his girlfriend's truck into a car with 3 college students, killing two of them in the process.
Police sweeps like the one you got caught in take scumbags like that off the road. And traffic accidents kill way more people than drug dealers do.
So deal with it.

Anonymous Assclown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous Assclown said...

Oh, and here's a website featuring a bunch of penis-less "trolls with a little man complex".

Jenni said...

Anon Coward, OMG...we aren't talking about ALL cops here. Some of them suck but SOME of them truly save the world. And I'd be the first one to tell you both sides of that!!!!

Anonymous Assclown said...

Are you the same Jenni that said "Most cops are trolls with a "little man" complex"?

Jenni said...

I'm willing to admit that it's entirely possible that the small city in which I work is an unfortunate anomaly. But yes the ratio to good, intelligent cops versus penis-less morons is alarming. And the good cops are seriously under-appreciated and under-paid. They are who our force lean on. But the trolls are AWFUL.

Coyote Mike said...

Ahh, its getting on to the end of the month, when all the quotas are due. You could probably fight the no insurance proof ticket if you want to take the time.

Hugs and sympathy to you. No laughter here.

trueborn said...

I didn't laugh that long.

Besides, you said something about still getting out of it.....

Indiana said...

I promise I am trying not to laugh...I promise !!!

Scorpy said...

Brittany, you'll probably get another ticket for honking your horn at the cops on the radar gun - check your mail ~grin~

PS: I think Trolls is an apt description because they live under bridges (or on overpasses - LOL)

meghansdiscontent said...

Bone - Really? You thought it was funny?? Wow . . . I expanded myself from deep, intense writer to comedian. Yay! I'm diverse. Who knew???? :) And babe, if you become a cop, of course I'll stop . . and talk you out of my ticket by . . talking. :) I can't BELIEVE you linked to one of the Macho, Macho Men.

Jenni - Amen, sister.

Anon Cow - Okay, seriously, I know they do a lot of good. Most of them. But you HAVE to know the cops here. My brother was in an accident a few months ago, because he was in the turning lane and some jackass turned RIGHT INTO HIM . . and the cops faulted him because QUOTE "That USED to be a turning lane." Ummm . . what the fuck is it now?? A garden?? How are we supposed to know that the TURNING LANE is no longer a turning lane? They didn't mark it off, they didn't block it, we're just supposed to KNOW that it USED to be a turning lane. WHAT???

Anon Cow - again, babe, we know. I appreciate cops more than you know most times. I have friends that are cops. One of which, when I told him the story said "What jackasses!! Seriously?? They are allowed to make speed traps like that up there??"

Jenni - Well said, chica.

Anon Cow - She said "most". Which may have been ill advised, she might should have said "some" but you have to admit there are BAD cops with power trips.

Jenni - Sounds like your town is much like my own.

Coyote Mike - Hilarious! That's exactly what I said "Wow, must be quota time, uhhh yep, there it is 10 days to the end of the month. Quota day."

Trueborn - Umm hmmm. Yes, you did. You sure did. As for me getting out of it - SHHHHHH!! Don't jinx me!! I'll blog whether I get out of it or not. We shall see.

Indiana - Right, right, whatever. I know you well enough to know you're over there laughing your butt off. Indy, where's the love??

Scorpy - I thought of that. Turns out I'm not the only one that honked. :) I have great friends. I called every one of them to warn them about the damn speed trap and EVERY one of them called me that night and said "We went to check it out and we honked at them hoping they'd fall over the side." Gotta love the support. Ha ha ha ha!! You're so clever! I wouldn't have thought about the Troll comment being so apropos! Adoreable! Thanks, Scorpy!

auburn said...

Babe. I am laughing, but only cause I've BEEN THERE! And i understand the pain, but at the same time you simply HAVE to laugh or you'll boil over with either obscenities or tears.

I got done for an unregistered car (8 days over, and only cause the fuckers didn't change my address on their system when I legally filled out the forms months beforehand), unregistered thus UNINSURED car and a whopping $900. Sometimes they just aren't swayed by a charming girl and her prettiest smile. And if there is a whole convoy of them, then there is bound to be a Captain Arsehole who would sack their arse if they let your batting eyelids through.

But seriously, discretion on the No Proof thing! Tosser.

Steph said...

God but you have a LOT of highway patrol where you live. I've been pulled over twice in three years!!

But aside from that. I gotta give the cops some love. My dad and brother were both cops. It had to happen sooner or later Megs. :)

janestarr said...

OMG! Aren't they supposed to be working instead of having a fucking party on the interstate? That's ridiculous! Bastards!

Drunken Chud said...

you know, they do that around here i'd say once a week. but the really shitty traps, and the lamest ones that i have actually written city hall about, are the "click it or ticket" traps. clever isn't it? they have a cop, who is standing on the side of the road, about 100 ft. before you get to him though they have a big yellow sign that says "safety belt enforcement zone". and behind the afore mentioned cop, is usually about 5 patrol cars. i have NEVER ONCE seen people pulled over by this "trap" that identifies itself ahead of time. our city is going bankrupt and this is how they spend out funds. fucking recockulous.

Drunken Chud said...

oh, and sorry to hear about your tickets. hehehehe.

KingBilly said...

*sigh* My checking account feels your pain.

My wifey has gotten 2 speeding tickets in the last three months. She, like you, seems to ignore posted speed limits. Especially on backroads. :p

Second: a joke I heard..
A man gets pulled over for speeding. Irate at his misfortune, he growls to the female cop that was writing him his ticket "What, is it near the end of the month? Gotta fill your quota or something?" The cop smiles sweetly at him and replies "Why, no sir. I don't have a quota. I get to pull over as many people as I want.."

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

i can't believe i jinxed u! I'm so sorry honeybear!!!!!!!!!
Damn, I'm good though...maybe I'm psychic!!
Sorry it's taken me so long to read this, I haven't been online and if I have it's been for stinky school stuff.
OMG. I'm sorry about the popo. I hate them.
The ones who think badge = God