Monday, March 06, 2006

Does Anyone Else Have One of These?

I've been trying to be really nice to my mom lately.

A - Because she had surgery Thursday to remove a mass from her breast and we spent 48 hours contemplating the idea that she may have cancer.

(No, thank God, it wasn't cancer -- but I got a little taste of what she's been going through for 10 years with me, and I didn't like it, not one little bit)

B - Because I had surgery Friday to remove excess buildup of . . . girl things . . . and I'm just too tired to argue with her craziness.

(Yes, I'm fine, nothing's wrong -- in fact, I helped build a wall this weekend, went to the gym yesterday morning and went jogging last night)

BUT

This morning, I think I had it.

6:15 AM phone call:

Mom: Hey, you at work yet?

Me: Sitting here waiting on Ms. Control Freak to let me in the front door.

Mom: Well, you need to go by your brother's tonight on your way home. I've sent a whole bunch of stuff with him for you. Toilet paper, papertowels, an Old Navy ad that I've circled things in that I want you to go get for me and some other stuff.

Me: Will do.

Conversation shifts.

Mom: Have you been back to the gym since Friday?

Me: Went yesterday.

Mom: Don't push yourself too hard, Britt, you just had surgery.

Me: This from the woman that had surgery Thursday? And dad caught you steam cleaning the carpets Friday?

Mom: Don't avoid the issue.

Me: What IS the issue?

Mom: Just don't push yourself too hard. But don't stop going to the gym either. You've gotta get at least 15 pounds off, Brittany. I know it's not your fault and the medications are causing most of it, but that's no excuse to just let yourself go.

Me: Jayzus, mother. You act as though I'm 300 lbs.

Mom: You know I'm not saying that! You're not fat,yet! But you are having some difficulty with the new medicines and you already gained so much on the old ones. You're so pretty, I would hate to see you get fat and make yourself less attractive.

(Does your mother do this to you?????? This insulting under the guise of helping thing??)

Me: Gee, mom, nice talkin to you, but I think Ms. Bassett is opening the front door and it's time for me to go.

Mom: Oh, stop it! You know what I'm saying to you. Just don't let yourself get fat, Britt. You've been doing so well.

Me: Thanks for this pep talk, mom. I'll do my best not to turn into Roseanne Barr overnight.

Mom: Oh, that reminds me. I made you a pan of caramal fudge brownies and sent some girl scout cookies with your brother. Don't let him "forget" to give them to you. Make sure you get them.



Jayzus H. Buddha Christmas.
Wasn't she just chewing me out NOT to get fat.
And now she's sending pans of brownies and boxes of cookies?????

I wonder if I can talk my brother into "forgetting" them.
If they are IN my house, I will undoubtedly sample the wares.
And that can't happen.
I would hate to ruin my attractiveness by getting any fatter than I already am.
Good Lord Almighty.

23 comments:

Jenni said...

Moms...aren't they special creatures?! You love them and want to throttle them all at the same time. Fascinating that she says all that depressing stuff to you and then talks about sending you brownies. Your mom certainly sounds complicated.

auburn said...

Oh God.
I hear ya.
'Erin, you've got to stop buying chocolate as a family treat. Those jeans are looking decidedly tight on you, and you have been doing so well'.
*pause*
Careful Mum...i spent years with an eating disorder remember? Two of them in fact.
And THEN:
'Euro (local delish patisserie) are trialing this divine caramel mud cake with tia maria ganache, a layer of vanilla sponge and dark chocolate trimmings...so I bought one home to try.'
Schizophrenic, mothers are. I swear to God.

Glad both your surgeries went well. Rest up honey. Remember, don't push yourself...but don't avoid the gym... ;)

Coyote Mike said...

The only way to win is to out-shock her. Next time she bugs you about exercise, bring out some articles about how sex is the best workout there is and how you're going out to the clubs to exercise with a few buff partners or something. Or something like "Oh, goodie, brownies! I love to eat those off (insert female's name)'s breasts." They don't have to be true, just shocking enough so that she won't bring up the topic again.

Bone said...

First of all, so glad both you and your Mom are OK.

Secondly, as long as you're gonna be at Old Navy, could I email you some items that I'd like as well?

;-)

Lizzie said...

At least it sounds like you have a sense of humor about it! Seems like the only way to deal with things like that, otherwise it'll just drive you crazy.

alison said...

i have one of those as well. my favorite mom-ism, in response to an argument we're having about something she said or did, "i'm sorry YOU feel that way" as though any other human being wouldn't in the position. another favorite is when she's bugging the crap out of me and i finally gently, yet sternly say, "knock it off". then she gets all bent out of shape and says something like 'oh, its not my fault you are tired/hungry/hung over. don't take it out on me'. as if the fact that she's annoying isn't enough to make someone cranky. and we don't talk about weight, that's one area she doesn't touch..and she loves that i'm not dating mostly because she thinks that with dating comes other stuff like unwanted pregnancies..but she did, in a conversation about no good men in my life, finally say (a few weeks ago) 'i should have had more than one' (as in children, so she'd have more hope for procreation and the like.) sad.

Barry S. said...

Glad to hear both of you are doing OK after surgery!!

If you are working out, I'd hate to let ALL those caramel brownies go to waste....after all you have been through you deserve at least one!

Hope your Hogs fare well this weekend... :)

meghansdiscontent said...

Jenni - She is a dichotomy. I love her much, though. :) VERY good description with the "throttling" comment. Amen.

Auburn - ha ha ha, oh girl, sounds like you know EXACTLY where I am coming from. Don't you just sometimes want to yell at her "Ummm, HELLO!?!?!?! You're making me NUTS . . and FAT!"

Coyote - That does NOT work with my mother, trust me. You can't out-shock this woman. It's impossible.

Bone - Thank you, babe. And yeah, sure, go ahead. I don't mind running your errands AT ALL . . while we're at it - - anyone else want anything???? Punk! :)

Lizzie - Eh, you have to have a sense of humor with my family. She loves me and she wants grandchildren, she's just trying to ensure I attract someone to impregnate me! :)

Alison - OMG! I was reading that and thinking - this girl has MY MOM as her mother. My mom does that crap, too!! Or, my favorite "Well, I see someone's in a bad mood today!" Ummm .. . no, I'm in a fantabulous mood, but in the span of three minutes you called me fat, irresponsible and then told me 12 things to do for you in the next 24 hours. Oh sweetie, if you ever need someone to commisserate with - - I am here. BUT, I hope that your mom is as wonderful as mine is. Despite her schizophrenic episodes of guilt tripping.

Barry - Thank you, sir. :) Goodness, where should I fedex these brownies?? Thank you for the well-wishes on my Hogs. We shall see, we shall see.

Heather B. said...

My mother? "You look good and like you've been losing weight. Here. I bought you some thin mints"

Are you kidding me?? Although I'm regretting not taking the damn thin mints, but still, here I thought my mom was the only one.

Steph said...

Soooo glad both you and your mum are ok. I'm sure you'd rather be nagged by her than not have her there to nag you at all. ;)

trueborn said...

Glad you're okay Darlin. Glad your Mom id cool too. I'm sure shes the genesis of more than on post.

:)

I'm happy you're feeling better.

angel, jr. said...

How do Moms do it? How can they be both the comfort of life and annoying too?
Mom's overall are great though.

mrshife said...

I am glad everything is OK with you and your mom. And I think you are perfect just the way you are. If you want you to go ahead and send those brownies to me that would be super cool.

alison said...

she's defintely schizo and defintely great. scariest part is when i hear myself saying stuff i know she would..like 'you don't have to cut your nose off to spite your face' ack. she used to say it all the time when i was little..along with the famous 'you always have to have the last word, don't you?' which then gets the &$^@! because you know if you say anything she's right..even though she just got the last word on you. oh to have kids to do this to.

TFS said...

Really really glad your mom's okay. Hope everything else worked out as well.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Good Lord.
My mom is that way, too. When I dyed my hair black she flat out told me, "ew Laurie, that makes you look gothic. I don't like it AT ALL."
And my poor sister, all throughout her wedding preparations my mom was brutal! "You HAVE to get your makeup done professionally!!" Like my sister looks horrible everyday that she does her own.

But, my mom is a bitch and you know my reasons for saying THAT. I just ignore her petty comments about stupid things like my hair. Actually I ignore her comments about everything.

But you have a mom who unconditionally loves you. My mom's love is conditional. I'll only get it back if my boyfriend suddenly turns white.

What? Bitter? Me? no!!

Drunken Chud said...

heh, my entire family harps on me about my weight. though, i am pretty damn fat, they say it's "for my health". yet mom and dad are always trying to shovel deep fried this, and fat encrusted that down my throat. fuckin weirdos.

Faltenin said...

Happy families!!!

Smile and nod, smile and nod...

beachgirl said...

Honey chile!! It's the southern way... my mom's gotten considerably better though...

Did someone say shopping??!! megs, we'll do plenty of that this weekend... I think we should pick up something for bone this weekend, like maybe some spiderman under-roos... he's a big boy now right?? No more pull-ups for him... PUNK ;)

Sorry, I just had to get that one in...

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Meg, when your comments are absent from my blog, I feel something is missing!

Stop having a damn life for a second and get on your computer!

haha.

MappyB said...

I always sweat it b/c when I see my mom, she doesn't say ANYthing. Which is almost worse than just saying what she's thinking. I don't know which I would rather have - neither is good for your self esteem though. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

Congrats on having successful surgeries!

janestarr said...

I don't know what makes my mom so irritating, but holy crap, sometimes her voice is like nails on the chalkboard. Don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful, wonderful woman, but sometimes....screeeech!

auburn said...

I would like to jump in for a second and say to Laurie, that you're not bitter. It's not about being bitter. I can't imagine you being bitter for a second, it's not your nature. But it would be so okay if you were. It's about the fact that mothers are supposed to love you unconditionally, and yours is not doing the right thing by you at all. Quite frankly, from an interfering bitchy point of view from the other side of the world. You are everything your mother should be. You are an absolutely fantastic person. Your mother doesn't deserve you.

AND...MEG! I second what Laurie said the second time. Something's missing on my blog. It's you. Glad you're feeling better, but come on. A little respect please.

(Yes, I'm kidding...I just miss ya!)
xo