I've been trying to be really nice to my mom lately.
A - Because she had surgery Thursday to remove a mass from her breast and we spent 48 hours contemplating the idea that she may have cancer.
(No, thank God, it wasn't cancer -- but I got a little taste of what she's been going through for 10 years with me, and I didn't like it, not one little bit)
B - Because I had surgery Friday to remove excess buildup of . . . girl things . . . and I'm just too tired to argue with her craziness.
(Yes, I'm fine, nothing's wrong -- in fact, I helped build a wall this weekend, went to the gym yesterday morning and went jogging last night)
This morning, I think I had it.
6:15 AM phone call:
Mom: Hey, you at work yet?
Me: Sitting here waiting on Ms. Control Freak to let me in the front door.
Mom: Well, you need to go by your brother's tonight on your way home. I've sent a whole bunch of stuff with him for you. Toilet paper, papertowels, an Old Navy ad that I've circled things in that I want you to go get for me and some other stuff.
Me: Will do.
Mom: Have you been back to the gym since Friday?
Me: Went yesterday.
Mom: Don't push yourself too hard, Britt, you just had surgery.
Me: This from the woman that had surgery Thursday? And dad caught you steam cleaning the carpets Friday?
Mom: Don't avoid the issue.
Me: What IS the issue?
Mom: Just don't push yourself too hard. But don't stop going to the gym either. You've gotta get at least 15 pounds off, Brittany. I know it's not your fault and the medications are causing most of it, but that's no excuse to just let yourself go.
Me: Jayzus, mother. You act as though I'm 300 lbs.
Mom: You know I'm not saying that! You're not fat,yet! But you are having some difficulty with the new medicines and you already gained so much on the old ones. You're so pretty, I would hate to see you get fat and make yourself less attractive.
(Does your mother do this to you?????? This insulting under the guise of helping thing??)
Me: Gee, mom, nice talkin to you, but I think Ms. Bassett is opening the front door and it's time for me to go.
Mom: Oh, stop it! You know what I'm saying to you. Just don't let yourself get fat, Britt. You've been doing so well.
Me: Thanks for this pep talk, mom. I'll do my best not to turn into Roseanne Barr overnight.
Mom: Oh, that reminds me. I made you a pan of caramal fudge brownies and sent some girl scout cookies with your brother. Don't let him "forget" to give them to you. Make sure you get them.
Jayzus H. Buddha Christmas.
Wasn't she just chewing me out NOT to get fat.
And now she's sending pans of brownies and boxes of cookies?????
I wonder if I can talk my brother into "forgetting" them.
If they are IN my house, I will undoubtedly sample the wares.
And that can't happen.
I would hate to ruin my attractiveness by getting any fatter than I already am.
Good Lord Almighty.