Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Duality of My Night

Oh holy Buddha.

This is the crap that happens to me.
The good news is, good things happened to temper the bad.

Exhibit A:


Bad Thing


I’m a stupid girl.
I decide to go run by the river.
Tired of the circular track in my neighborhood.
I drive down there.
Remember to roll up my windows, but forget to close the sunroof.
I come back from running.
Open up the back end of the SUV to throw in my sweaty shirt and put on a clean one.
BIG SCARY (yes, scary, damnit! It’s a rodent!) SQUIRREL!!!!
Staring at me.
Malice in his eyes.
He must have fell through the sunroof.
I scream and run like a little girl.
He makes a chatter sound and runs too.
I would like to say he was charging me.
At the time, it felt like it.
But, I guess he was just trying to get out of my vehicle.

Good Thing

My Florida State Seminoles (yes, mine, I own a college team, uh huh) beat Duke.
YAY!

Exhibit B

Bad Thing

I drive from the river to the gas station.
Town of almost 85,000 people with the colleges in session.
I have a ponytail on top of my head, no make-up, fully flushed from running, sweat running down every inch of my friggin body because it’s Arkansas and even though I was snowed in a week ago, it’s 80 degrees tonight.
Bleck bleck bleck.
Roadkill looks better than me.
Pumping gas and I hear:

“Well look who’s here.”
Oh shit.
Mr. Clean.
NICE.
“Uh hi.”
And he’s with a friend.
Friend: “Is this the girl?? Hmmm . . nice rack.”
Good to see he surrounds himself with asses as big as he is.
I had visions of myself lifting my Yoga Pant clad leg and kicking him in the windpipe.
“Yeah, well, nice to see you guys.”

AND THEN

I left my phone in the vehicle when I went to my brother’s to watch the rest of the FSU/Duke game and the end of the Arkansas/MSU game.
I go out to my truck afterwards and I have a voicemail from a number I don’t recognize.
Turns out it’s Mr. Clean’s friend.

“Just thought I’d let you know you really screwed up. Mark really liked you. Though, I don’t understand that. I just saw you and to be honest, you’re not all that.”

Ummm, NICE.
Question: Who IS all that when they’re in running clothes, 1980's high ponytail and no makeup?? Not to mention the oodles of sweat.


Good Thing


Arkansas killed Mississippi State.
Modica was hitting three's like nobody’s business.
Brewer couldn’t be stopped.
Townes was working it.
Hill was blocking.
Whew . .. Sorry kids, had a bit of a basketball rush.

So there’s my night.
Though, I left out the fact that I fell on my run.
Klutz.
And instead of protecting my already broken hip (though, relatively well healed), my mind said: “This is an expensive MP3 player, PROTECT IT!”
So instead of catching myself, I try and cushion the fall for the MP3 player.
What a genius.
A limping genius at that.

27 comments:

beachgirl said...

Ok, running down by the river at night?? Did you happen to run into Matt Foley, motivational speaker that lives in van down by the river??
Mr.Clean and partner, can kiss my big ole fat a$$... That was completely juvenile and yes, YOU ARE ALL THAT! The way I feel today, I would have opened a big ole can of whoop a$$ on her...
BTW, how's my babydaddy?? You tell him to put the durn check in the mail, OK???

I lurv you to pieces precious girl!! Call me later!

Barry S. said...

Mr. Clean and his friend both sound kinda tool-ish. I mean, seriously, be a bigger person and don't have your friend call and insult you.

Wasn't that chaos at Free Shoes U last night? Wow. I'm sure cars were overturned in the parking lot after they beat the Dukies...

Oh, and UK beat the Big Orange in Knoxville last night, too!

Drunken Chud said...

you know, picturing you, a stunning vision in workout clothes, high ponytail, all sweaty... yeah really does it for me. maybe it's the rack. who knows.

you shoulda hosed down mr. clean with gasoline. sure you waste 5 bucks, but who's gonna say shit to ya after that.

duke sucks.

Bone said...

An ex-girlfriend's sister called me one time and cursed and yelled and carried on about why I should like her. Yeah, that's gonna make me like you.

More likely, it'll make me not answer any more calls or change my number.

More importantly, how's the MP3 player?? And, what were you listening to?

Rolligun said...

Yeah good post Meg...

moving along...

What I really want to know, which you didn't tell, was what your reaction was to that charming girl who called you. The one who was in charge of the "lost and found"

Tell me, what'd ya do, did you give her the pleasent but I'm not deal with you Meghan, or did you give her the fun (for me anyway)I'm gonna make you cry for being so bold so stupid, Brittany.

What happened next? Who was it?

Coyote Mike said...

hehe, squirrel makes me think that I always tell my students to be careful when they leave class because the squirrel liberation army is organizing an attack.

I can't belive what an ass that guy was. Next time, kick him in the nuts, then, when he's down on the ground, pee on him.

Love you, lovely Meggiepants!!!

meghansdiscontent said...

Beachgirl - Hey hey hey, I love to go down to the AR river. Sit there and watch the night sky, run around the camp grounds, sit on the swings and think, whatever. Bite me! :) As for Mr. Clean, I can't get away from that man!!! He stopped by the other night when my brudder was here . . . did I tell you that story?????? Lurv you, too! Saw where you called. I was . . . indisposed.

Barry S. - Hello again! :) It's sad that a 40 yr old and his friend (who had to be at least 35 from the look of him) can't be bigger people. Gosh, I wonder why things didn't work out between us. YES, the FSU game was in Tallahassee!!! :) Watch out about that Big Orange stuff though, Beachgirl will come through that computer screen on you!!! (plus, I'm pissed - UK beat AR, I was hoping they would get some payback)

Chud - Stunning vision. Um hm. Think this: faded black yoga pants, my ex's old fraternity t-shirt, ratty nikes and a Pebbles-esque ponytail. Hottie to the max, right?? UMMM NO. I couldn't hose down Mr. Clean. Sad, but I felt like such shit about myself standing there. There he is - gorgeous suit, immaculately groomed, perfect smile . . and there I stand looking like I should be put down and driven to the glue factory. I can't say Duke sucks (come on, they've only lost two games!) but Reddick couldn't hit the broad side of a barn last night.

Bone - Eh, the sister was calling you because she wanted you! Showing you her "protective, love my sister, look what a good person I am" side. :) Did you change your number?? MP3 player is still fully operable. And no WAY am I admitting to what I was listening to. I have such crap workout music choices.

Rolli - Lead pipe, I'm so lost here. The only thing I can figure is that you thought Mr. Clean's partner in crime was female. Uhhh, nope. Male. I realize I didn't say that. Ah well. And I didn't even bother calling him back. I think that's what he wanted. Get a rise out of me. But if I ever see him again -- he will definitely get that lovely cry for your stupidity Meghan. :) It still kills me that you know that side of me, Kindergartener.

Mike - The squirrels around here are VICIOUS. And I mean it! The ones on the UCA campus THROW ACORNS AT YOU when you walk to class. SERIOUSLY! Ask anyone I went to college with. THEY AIM FOR YOU! Umm, I'm not a squat in public kinda girl. My bits are private bits. Only a very select few men get to see them.

Coyote Mike said...

The squirrels at the campus here are so fat they can't make it up the trees. The students feed them cookies and ice-cream-cones and cake and stuff from the cafeteria.

Fine, don't share your bits :P

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

HOLY SHIT I almost died when I read about you running in to Mr. Clean and ass friend like that. Jesus Christ! Ugh I assume there was no way for you to dodge and get away before they saw you. God damnit isn't that always the way?
I'm so MAD for you that you didn't run into them looking your Meghie Finest. That type of shit would happen to me too, I just know it.
And what a fuckin asshole that guy was to say that!!!!
A) it's rude and he doesn't even KNOW you
B) he has some nerve. i hate guys who act perfect.
C) even though you have NOTHING to prove to HIM, he should have thought about the fact that you had obviously been doing some sort of excersising. And I mean who the fuck goes to the gas station lookin all hotty totty unless they're on their way to dinner date or a girls' night or something?

I'm just mad for you that you weren't dressed like you were going out to impress because it pisses me off that guy judged you solely on what he saw today when you were your sweaty self.
God I'm more worked up and bugged by this than I thought!

I hope you run into that stupid ass dickhead friend again one day soon when you're looking like Hot Brit so you can rub it in his face. Because he needs to know your hotness and what MR. CLEAN is missing.

NOT the other way around.

Fucking bastards.

I'm so mad.

I'm mad at Mr. Clean too, because he gave his friend your number to make the call and he apparently knew he made it.

I hope they both get fat.

Steph said...

Mr Clean and his sidekick sound like drunken frat boys! You're best off away from dolts like that.

Coyote Mike said...

Be careful Steph: Her bubba is a drunken frat boy, and she's got a mama-bear reaction to things about him :P

janestarr said...

Uh, I always think you can judge men by their friends. Number 1- How did he get you number? Mr. Clean had to give it to him, Number 2- Why did Mr. Clean give ass-friend his phone number? To let his creepy friend call you and give you a rash.

Soooooooooooooooo pathetic! Thank god you didn't waste too much time on that one.

Bejeweled said...

I'm going to have to agree with everyone that Mr. C's friend's comment was so childish. At least you're concered with you health and staying in shape. I would have been like "whoo-hoo", look at me. I'm a hottie. I run, I'm in shape, and what are you? He's such a Barney Rubble!

Thomas said...

Hahahaha... we used to have these walnut trees at my house... and I always left the windows of my POS car open... well one day a couple walnuts must have "bounced" or "fallen" into the back of my car. Well, apparently a squirrel decided to follow them... and I didn't see it until I was flying down the road to cross country practice and it started chattering. Scared the living shit out of me. But funny as hell.

Ang said...

You should have told him to meet you out by the bleachers after school and you could show him who was 'all that'. ..

Or that your dad could beat up his dad..

Twat!!

Faltenin said...

"Limping Genius". Want to keep that as a nickname? It's nice!

Oswald Croll said...

FSU ????

Did I ever make fun of you for the 26-23 loss to PSU in the Orange Bowl.... if not, let's list that under Good THings.... VERY Good Things.

Jenni said...

And just WHAT would that Biotch have said if you'd actually answered the phone?!! And I can only imagine that your responses would've had us all in stitches!!!

beachgirl said...

Gurl- you didn't tell me he came by your crib!! CAN WE SAY STALKER...

eh-hem, Coyote Mike, I don't think you are allowed to call Meg's precious brother a drunken frat boy..if meg wants to call him that, it's fine, but for anyone else to do it is cause for a$$ whoopin (and not in the sick twisted way you will interpret that)..

Coyote Mike said...

My apologies

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote Mike - Lucky squirrels.

Laurie - It was PRETTY obvious, I think, that I had been working out. I mean, I still had the MP3 player strapped to my arm for Heaven's sakes. And maybe if I had seen them, I could have dodged them, but he knows my vehicle. . . and it's distinguishing characteristics, so I'm pretty sure he knew I was there before he pulled in. It's pretty hard to miss a vehicle as big as mine. And thank you, chica! I agree. I'm not missing anything. Though, he might be. :)

Steph - Yep, I'm so much better off away from them. Goodness, what the hell was I thinking to begin with???

Coyote - My bubba is NOT a drunken frat boy. He's one of the 3 greatest men I know. And yes, I have momma bear reactions because he's my bubba. That's what you do with your siblings. Particularly when they are as wonderful as mine is.

Janestarr - You have very valid points. And I thought the same thing - - why the hell would Mark give him my number??? UGH. Glad I'm smarter than them. :) ha ha ha

Bejeweled - ha ha ha!! Rolling over here!! I can't remember the last time I heard the "Barney Rubble" line. Great! :)

Thomas - I would have lost it!! You were IN the car with it?????? Oh holy buddha, kid, how the heavens did you stay on the road??

Ang - I thought Junior High was a long time ago? Even longer for these guys (WAY longer). How the heck do they remember how to act this way??

Faltenin - Can't you think of better things to call me?? :)

Os - Umm, doll, you KNOW that PSU comes before FSU. Penn State beating FSU did not bother me in the least. I have very ODD line ups of favorite teams. But you, of all people, should have known my Nittany Lions come before my Seminoles. But Hogs before all of them.

Jenni - Oh girlie, I'm just so glad the phone was out in the truck. VERY glad. I don't think I could have been the adult I would have wanted to be. Choice phrases would have been coined.

Beachgirl - I thought I told you!! Bubba was here and Mark wasn't planning on that . . . just oddness. Odd-ness. And good job standing up for yo' baby daddy. :)

Coyote Mike - thanks.

beachgirl said...

Gurl- you know I lurv my bebe daddy... I'll cut a biatch for puttin him down... I have to words for you.. MIKE JONES!!!

Coyote Mike said...

I'll do my best to behave from now on.

Drunken Chud said...

megs... that descriptio of the faded yoga pants... the t shirt and all... only made the picture hotter. not sure what it is. but chicks (i'm so respectful) not trying to look good and being all sweaty and workey outey and shit... really hot. sorry.

mrshife said...

Mr. Clean's friend is a dumbass.
Duke sucks, I am a Carolina fan.
And the squirrel moment is hilarious. I am glad you survived.

auburn said...

Can I just say that i LURVE Laurie!!
What she said. Over and over.

Mr Clean is an absolute PUNCE! And how the hell does a guy get that kind of nerve? To give his friend your number because his ego was all fucked up (quite rightly, you're the ultimate dish and he doofed it...omg i sound like a bogan). And then you just KNOW his weak arse was sitting in the car with him when he called you! Weak fucking losers!

I would be looking like crap too. Always happens to me. I'm only ever looking like shit when I need to look fantastic.

The squirrel! OMG I would've died. My heart would've jumped right outta my throat and served itself to the critter on a platter. We don't have squirrels here, but i've seen them. They scary!!

OMG. Babe, I hope you had a lovely weekend, got tizzied up and danced up a 'can't touch this' storm.
Love ya.

wunelle said...

I'm new around here and don't know the back story, but I can't imagine knowing anyone who would say to you out of the blue "you're not all that" and not consider them an enemy. That's my question: what value to civilization is a person who would, in a friendly context, say something like that? Pull the flush cord on that douche bag.

As for your question--"Who IS all that when they’re in running clothes, 1980's high ponytail and no makeup?? Not to mention the oodles of sweat."

I would enthusiastically give both thumbs up to this setup. Running clothes & sweat and especially no makeup all deserve the highest marks in my book.

Just my two cents'