Wednesday, March 15, 2006

If Rolligun Were a Cop . . .

He would have been Officer X this morning.
No, seriously.

So that mother of all witches - Karma - reared her head again this morning.
Only, she saved me . . . again.
Apparently she felt a little bad about the hold-up yesterday.

True and Rolli are gonna love this.

THIS is the reason I get pulled over so much:
I am always driving during commuting hours and I travel EVERY.DARN.INTERSTATE.AND.HIGHWAY.IN.ARKANSAS.

Morning commute to first center:
City streets to
Highway 286 to
Interstate 40 to
Interstate 430 to
Interstate 30 to
Highway 10 to
City streets.

And I travel other interstates and highways as the day goes on - 440, 540, 365 - oh yeah, I play the number game all day.

Interstate 430 is where I get pulled over the most.
Mainly because I KNOW where the cops hide . . and that they are ALWAYS there . . . but I really just don't give a rat's patootie.
I also know where they are because the local Hip Hop station gives quarter of the hour updates on "Where the Po-Po's is at" . . . no SERIOUSLY.
But, I still don't care.
I want to get to work.
The sooner I get there, the sooner I can leave.
Right?
Right.

So, I'm on 430 this morning.
65 mph zone because it's about to split and turn into I-30.
I'm doing 87.
Semi truck in front of me.
SLOW AS CRAPOLA!
Which means, of course, that he was doing the speed limit.
But he's gargantuan so it seems like he's going much slower.
And this is important for a second reason . . . I can't see around him.
State Trooper is directly in front of him.
But I'm jammin out to Union Underground and ignoring anything save the road itself and my vehicle.

Blue lights.
Holy buddha.
Not again.

This cop was the COOLEST cop EVAAAARRRRR!
Comes up to my window and says:
"Here's the deal. I don't know how fast you were going, but it was damn fast."
I'm still trying to gauge the level of his anger.
"I didn't get to clock you because my radar wasn't on."
Ummm . . . so . . . yeah, huh, what?
"I pulled you over to warn you to slow down. But also to tell you that's pretty ballsy to pass a cop that fast. You must have brass ones."
Did he just, uh, compliment me???
"Hey, is that Mr. Deadman?"
He knows Union Underground????????
"Slow down. Don't pass anymore cops."

Seriously, Rolli, this guy should be your idol.
He reminded me a ton of you!

Oh . . and to True - - ha ha ha ha ha - I got out of another ticket!

"Turn me on, turn me on, Mr. Deadman
Yeah, I want it, I need it, to make a million
Yeah, I love it . . ."

17 comments:

Jenni said...

Girlie, I'm glad you are back on top of things...ya know, like being all cool and getting out of your one-millionth ticket! My stomach is in knots over the crackhead with the knife. Son of a ...!! You handled it like a champ. I would've puddled to the ground the second I saw any gleaming metal object in his hand.
*Hugs for Megan*

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Hole. E. Shit.

You, chick, by far hold the record of anyone I've ever spoken with of people who get out of tickets. And perhaps people who get pulled over on a daily basis.
You're right, that was a cool ass cop.
If we ever ever ever get to hang out, then you are DEFINITELY driving.

trueborn said...

Goddamn it.
*stomps feet angrily*
I never get out of tickets
or meet lovely female officers.....

Coyote Mike said...

I think we would all be happier if you would get speeding tickets and not have days like yesterday.

Bejeweled said...

Ok, can I say how jealous I am of you? I just recently got a ticket... for MOVING violation. Ok, you can stop laughing now. Apparently, I did a rolling stop at a stop sign. No cop, no stop, right? Well, I don't know where in the hell she was, but there were the blue lights in my rear view. I think I'm more embarrased to get a moving violation ticket than a speeding ticket. At least that's a REAL ticket...

i said...

damn you.. im jealous.. it must be my lack of breasts that means i always get the tickets! :)

well done.. i commend the achievement :P

i.

Rolligun said...

I don't understand this one bit. What is it with you that everyone wants to follow you around the supermarket and give you "warnings"
everytime your in violation of public safey ordinances.

I can assure you though, that if that cop was me, we wouldn't have actually met, becuase I would have been busy pulling over the semi-driver for getting in the way of the people.

I have no leniency for things like that.

"Do you know why I'm pulling you over"

"Is my load to big?"

"I couldn't give a shit less what size your load is, either you start moving this freighter or next time I'm sending it to impound, good day,"

"Officer, I have..."

"No time, I have to go get that SUV now. Something about it pissed me off."

Drunken Chud said...

hehehehehehe. damn you!!!!! i owe $500 in 5 days for my "driver responsibility fee" aka "we didn't just fuck you with the ticket fine, but for two years after the ticket, you have to pay the state you son of a bitch this what you get when you elect a canadian socialist to be your govorner". heh. way to skate chica.

meghansdiscontent said...

Jenni - Thank ya, doll. I have NO idea what trick of fate keeps me out of these tickets, but I'm rolling with it. I'm sure the luck will come to an end soon enough. As for the crackhead, I've got that handled (emotionally) and have gotten mace and a knife (yes, a knife). Thank you for the hugs, lady.

Laurie - REALLY?? My roommate and I used to have a tally at the dorm to see how many we could each get out of. She got out of FAR more than I did in college. Mainly because she was GOR-JA-MOUS. But anyways . . . ya, he was totally cool. I will drive anyway! :) I'm a control freak.

Trueborn - Ah, kid, cheer up. You'll get out of a ticket one day. :) Maybe when I'm a cop.

Coyote Mike - NO NO NO, we would not all be happier. The crackhead cost me $4.00. The ticket would have been far more than that.

Bejeweled - OH NO! Seriously? Moving violation? That's what he could come up with?? Oh, girl, don't tell that to anyone else. Tell them you got an indecent exposure ticket or something. Something with some sex appeal.

i - Thank ya! As for your lack of breasts . . .ummm . . . the only advice I can give you is: Get Fat?

Rolli - Lead pipe, people want to give me warnings because OBVIOUSLY I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Men want to take care of me and women want to be me. We all believe this, right?? Ummm, right. Sure. Uh huh. I have NO idea why people let me off. Maybe it's because they inately know I've had a hard life. :) As for you pulling over the semi driver . . You're a good man, Rolli. I don't care what anyone else tells me about you mistreating animals and slapping around women. But, ummm, you would not be pissed off at my SUV. You would be coming after me because that's what you've done for months now: Chase me. :) Because, of course, I'm HAWT!

Drunken Chud - What the buddha? Driver Responsibility Fee? Ummm . . . why don't you fax them a check.

Bone said...

OK, I don't know why. I guess I'm getting so used to your avoiding ticket stories. But this is the part that stuck out to me.

I also know where they are because the local Hip Hop station gives quarter of the hour updates on "Where the Po-Po's is at"

That's funny. And cool.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I feel the need to reiterate that Meghie does not use her breasts to get out of tickets because she does not NEED to.

Also, my dear Meghie..I was laughin at
"I will drive anyway! :) I'm a control freak."

It's just cute and true at the same time.
I can see us getting into trouble and you trying to control the situation and remain calm and me flipping out and throwing paranoid tantrums all over the place.

:P

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

And if it makes anyone feel any better who does get tickets, let me just say to all of you to make you feel better that I have to go to court for being stopped when I paused at a Stop sign.

No I don't care to discuss.
Yes I saw the cop sitting right there and did it anyway.

Rolligun said...

I think you've been spending to much time in front of that mirror, I don't doubt your beauty, but sometimes a little discrestion will actually serve as a compliment, just thought there princess universe.

I have not been chasing you! Since when have the words "stop emailing me you fucking wierdo, I was only trying to be nice" ever been mistaken for an act of pursuit?

and there you go with that violence again, what brings this?

meghansdiscontent said...

Bone - :) I wondered if anyone caught that. You gotta love Central Arkansas. Hilarious.

Laurie - AMEN! Thanks for bringing that to everyone's attention again. I don't need mammary glands to get out of tickets. Oh chica, you shouldn't laugh, it's so true . . and so is the me controling the situation. I never break down until afterwards. My momma raised me right.

Laurie, again :) - Goodness!!! You saw him and did it anyway. Sounds as stupid as me flying past cops. I knew I lurved you.

Rolli - Oh chickpea, you act as though the whole world doesn't already know about our love child and our romance. You should really stop putting on such a show. Everyone knows how we feel about each other. There is such a fine line between love and hate . . and every once in a while, I drive you to fall onto the wrong side. I'm so sorry for that. But the baby's driving me crazy. He misses his daddy. He cries constantly. And since I can't smother him because I love him too much, I have to take out my violence somewhere. Rolli, soul mate o' mine, when is Uncle Sam returning you to the loving bosom of your family?

janestarr said...

I love you Meg, that is freakin fantastic! You are an excellent example of how a woman should be: determined, musically up to date, with a pair of brass ones, love it!!

Rolligun said...

This is so sad, they stopped paying for the "meds" haven't they?

People really don't know what a poor health care plan is really doing the people of the U.S.

It's a whole 'nother war.

I'm so sorry, do stay strong.

Thomas said...

Hahahahaha... you have brass ones? That's an awesome statement. Good work--drive safe!