Thursday, March 30, 2006

I'm Not Ready . . .

Me thinks me got overly ambitious . . .
Me wonders why me talking like this . . .
Me blaming it on my therapy kids this morning who are driving me batty by refusing to use the word "I" because they know I want them to.

Back to life, back to reality.
We'll let that song be the theme to this post.

Yeah, regardless of what your friends tell you - it's not as easy as "To get over a man, get under a new one."
NOT that I was taking the "under a new one" part literally.
I'm not that kinda girl, kids.
But the general idea of going out on dates to forget about The Someone seemed sound at the time.

But my overzealousness proved itself last night.
Note: Kids, don't schedule many dates at once. Particularly like TWO days after a heartbreak. Ummm . . yeah, if you REALLY love someone, you're not going to be able to just casually date, not THAT soon anyway.

So, last night:

Bryan and I meet for coffee after I leave Crystal and Matt's (golf balls with my brother were put on hold because he's psychotically studying for a nursing exam).
Seemed like a sound plan.
Yeah, umm . . . not so much.

The beginning was good.
He'd gotten there before me.
Remembered what I liked and ordered.
Handed it to me and pulled out my chair.
What a gentleman!
Which makes the rest of the story that much worse.
Because he IS, like seriously, one of the best guys evaaarrrr.

We have a great, friendly, totally avoiding all talk of The Someone, conversation.
I'm laughing at parts. Actual, real, laughter, which felt SO nice.
I'm relatively certain that the reason he avoided questioning the situation was because:
I had bawled and squalled like a 4-yr old with a skinned knee when he had called Tuesday.
I had told him most of the sordid story (leaving out some very serious details, but nothing that would affect the main themes: Most amazing man, totally in love, hopes and dreams dashed in a fail swoop).
I looked, as Crystal so NICELY {sarcasm, folks} said, like run over dog shit.
Though, she assures me it was a mental look.
My overall presentation was attractive.
"You look good, you're dressed well, good makeup, good hair, but you look like you hurt. It's your eyes. Wear sunglasses."
Yeah, good advice.
Sunglasses after dark.
In a coffee shop.
Crazy chick.

Anyway . . . he's smart enough to avoid The Someone conversation.
And possibly, maybe a little, deluded enough to think he could make me forget for a while.
And he did, kinda.
No one can ever make you really forget.
It's a constant, dull ache inside.
You might laugh, you might converse freely, but under the surface you're still stinging with the burn of 1,000 fires.

We both decide it's getting kinda late.
Have the goodnight conversation.
He walks me to my vehicle.
Hugs me.
Leans in to kiss me (I'm assuming he was moving for the cheek, though, who knows with Bryan, I've been wrong before).

And what does Brittany do??????
Psycho-girl breaks out into tears that would rival Niagra Falls.
There are no tear DROPS, kids, not DROPS.
It's a steady river of saline down my face.
Classy, even.
Love it.

Bryan, who's normally King Understanding, looks at me as though he wants to smack me senseless.
And, honestly, who can blame him???

I start apologizing profusely.
Begging his forgiveness.
Hoping he'll overlook this and I can at LEAST salvage what is probably one of the best friendships I have.
And he says, "It's alright. Let's just try that again."
And he leans into me, presumeably just to hug me, just to comfort me, but damnitall if I don't start bawling even harder.
When in the buddha did I get so estrogen ridden???
Through sobs and difficulties breathing I manage to choke out "Oh holy Hell, Bryan, I'm so sorry."

And again, he looks as though he wants to hit me.
It's that look Robin gave me Monday night when I was telling her what happened was all my fault.
Which, if you knew the story, you would know that it IS.

Anyway, back to the story:
He looks like he wants to smack me until I have a lick of sense in my head.
I've seen that look on tons of people, but never Bryan.
Bryan and his unconditional, unfailing love of all that is me.
And I think "Wow, fan-freakin-tastic, I've managed to ruin my lovelife AND my friendships in the span of 72 hours. Bloody wonderful."

Bryan finally settles for just opening my vehicle door, settling me in, strapping me in (he doesn't trust me to fasten my own seatbelt . . which, actually, proves how well he really does know me because REGARDLESS of the MANY MANY wrecks I've been in, I never fasten that thing . . I hate it!! It HURTS!! - - no really, it does, it cuts directly into the surgical scar from my major surgery, and the nerve endings there are damaged . . and I'm digressing again, damnit), and telling me "Be safe."

The minute I've stopped wailing like a 9 month old without a passy, I start dialing numbers.

I cancel Saturday night with Will first.
Then I cancel Sunday with Mark.
Then I TRY and cancel tonight with Andy.
But that doesn't work so well.
He's outta town and I refuse to break a date via voicemail (how uncouth!).

I get home and my brudder is there studying (his house was apparently too loud).
I'm talking to him and watching the History channel while peeling potatoes for the dinner I'm cooking for Andy (since I can't cancel) and TOTALLY not paying attention.
A - Because I'm talking to brudder.
B - Because I'm watching History channel.
C - Because I'm still thinking I've lost Bryan's outstanding friendship.
D - Because I'm still aching with want of someone I can't have.

It's not until brudder says "Ummm . . you're bleeding." that I notice . . . while peeling a potato, I also managed to PEEL A FINGERNAIL OFF MY FINGER!!!!!!!!!
Yes, uh huh, TOTALLY peeled the fingernail COMPLETELY off my index finger of my left hand.
Not like shaved it across the top and cut off the tip of the nail.
I've totally cut the ENTIRE nail and whatever skin is under the nail (is there skin under your nails? Do you know?) completely OFF.
And am bleeding down my hand.

Think maybe someone's trying to tell me that I rushed into things?
And yet, I still can't get in touch with Andy, so I have to go through with tonight.
Maybe if I drink a glass or two of wine before he arrives, I won't cry all over him like I did on Bryan.
Maybe? Huh huh? Maybe?

The serenity prayer has been on my mind all night and all morning:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
(namely being completely and utterly in love with someone who can't love me back)
the courage to change the things I can,
(namely cancelling all future dates and hopefully not ruining another friendship tonight by blubbering all over a guy who sent me flowers yesterday and has been nothing but fantastic to me)
and the wisdom to know the difference.
(wisdom, uh huh, please God, because I feel like the dumbest girl on the planet right now)

Oh please, oh please, oh please.


Oswald Croll said...

Meggie - don't fall apart on me know...deep


Coyote Mike said...

I think there is something in the air. I was crying like a baby last night for no good reason.

I blame the government.

And I'm afraid I will have to protect my pseudo-sister Birdie from your rocks. Aim for my head: it can take more damage :P

Drunken Chud said...

so, i've been sitting here with the comment window open, and watching my creek kids for inspiration... and i got nothin' hon. nothin. so, here it is: i know you're hurting, and no amount of anything any of us can say will fix that. so, i hope the ache dulls to a tolerable level before you cut off any more fingernails.

Jenni said...

Sorry for the hurt...all of them.

Lizzie said...

Ok, so maybe you rushed into putting yourself back out there, but you can't blame a girl for trying. This is going to sound condescending and I totally don't mean it to, but these things just take time (as I'm sure you know and don't need me telling you). Anyway, I hope the pain goes away soon. Believe me, I know how it feels. I think I said this before, but hang in there.

trueborn said...

Deep breaths babe
Deep breaths.

mrshife said...

Sending you a virtual hug.
Hope things are better today and I am sorry to hear that you are hurting so bad. Take care of yourself.

Steph said...

Hugs for you.
I'm thinking my MFZ is the best idea i ever had.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to read this! But I guess better a late Buggy than a no Buggy. Well depending..some people might like a no Buggy. But this isn't about me!!

There isn't much you've said that I didn't know alrady - except your choppin half your finger off like a madwoman. Seriously, it's very telling when hearache overwhelms you so much that you don't even give a glance to physical pain. But that's too deep for me to get into right now.

I hope that your date with Andy went well and I'm glad you weren't able to break it.
I'm sorry! But I am!! You may not be ready but what I tell you about maintaining your self assurance is true.
While every drama-ful girl needs her nights of staying in, listening to those certain songs, and lying in her bed with the phone against her ear, she also needs to get out and stop being stuck inside with the constant thoughts that inhibit her from enjoying other things.
You're too extraordinary of a person to spend those pillow soaked hours away from the world and even though you're allowed to do that, you also are resiliant enough to be able to say "fuck it." You might not mean it, of course, but it'll help you move past it.
When someone eases their way into your heart there is no way for them to ease back out. Getting in happens so quick, so perfectly, and getting them out is a long battle. Isn't it funny. Falling in something is so easy to do. But who ever falls out, of anything?

I don't know what's gotten into me this morning. It's Saturday and I'm here and my windows are open and the sun's out and the breeze is flowing in. I hope it's like that where you are. And I hope you enjoy this day. And the next.

Remember my prescription for a Girls' Night. Ya done broke your dates (leaving them wanting more!) and I think you need a girls' night I really do.

p.s. - tell brudder from anudder mudder to get his punchin gloves on. It's time for him to put on the "protective brudder" suit and throw a few. :)

Trix said...

Aw, Megs, I'm sorry. But I can promise you this. It DOES get better. I can't tell you how or when, but it DOES. Big hug.

Officially Fabulous said...

Oh crap. I've so been here TOO! All you REALLY want is someone to listen & they're trying to stick their tongue down your throat- All you need is a "true-friend" who wouldn't try and take advantage of your vulnerability- That scene, my dear, was NOT your fault!