Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Sweet Jayzus

I took the day off.
I figured I deserved it.
Long weekend, lots of things going on, I wanted some down time.
Um, hmmm.
Right.
Down time.
I don't even remember what down time is.

Couldn't sleep.
Ha ha ha, what's new? :)
Went walking.
NOT running, don't start chewing my butt, I swear I didn't run.
As much as I wanted to.
Desperately.
I just wanted to run until it felt like my legs were going to fall off.
Run and run and run.
Until the soles of my shoes wore thin and my lungs were going to burst.
But I walked.
I know I walked quickly, I could see the world passing me by.
But inside it felt as though I were walking through quicksand.
Slow, agonizing, never getting anywhere, stuck.

Shower, laundry, clean out the kitchen cabinets, clean out the refrigerator, clean out and defrost the freezer.
Write.
Write a short story, write a rant about my brother and his inability to get over the girl who uses him, write two reports for work, write a letter that I will never send, write another that I did send to a Rehab shelter for a friend, write until my fingers went numb.
Until the sun was up and warm enough to lie in.

Put on some pants, because you can't lie around your backyard in an Oxford button up and panties unless you want the neighbors to talk.
Lie on the hammock.
Bask in the sun.
Feeling the heat of it warm you through the cool breeze.
Read.
Keats, some more of Capote, faxes that were work related, emails from the laptop.
Do the USA Today crossword.
Do the Arkansas Democrat Gazette crossword.

Start writing again.
But I can't think of anything to write.
Nothing that makes sense.
Nothing that hasn't been beat to death.
So I write lyrics.
I make myself remember old songs.
I write all the lyrics I can remember to New Kids on the Block, Ani Difranco, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jethro Tull, Merle Haggard, Metallica, Live, Dido.
Just write.

Start reading again.
Hammock swinging slightly beneath me.
The scent of my neighbor's freshly mown lawn.
How did she mow it without my hearing it?
I was in my own world.
I never heard anything but my own thoughts.
The world could have fallen around my ears and I wouldn't have heard it.

I can't lie here anymore.
I have to get up.
I have to move.
I clean out my closet.
The linen closet.
My bathroom cabinets.
My garage storage room.
I curse myself for detailing my vehicle Saturday, when it's one more thing I could have done today.

I remember I didn't take my medicine.
It slipped my mind.
It would explain the need to throw up every four minutes.
It would also explain the headache.
I force pills down my throat and a Diet Pepsi to get the taste out.

God, is it only noon.
It can't be only noon.
It's been days.
It's been weeks.
Months have passed.
Yesterday was a year ago.

Sweet Jayzus, why can't I relax.
Why can't I enjoy downtime.
There are no question marks because these aren't really questions.

Poker is on TV.
I love poker.
I put in my favorite Razorback game.
Can you believe how many OT's we had?
I mute it and listen to the stereo.
While sorting files.
Matt Jones sucks.
Just in case you wondered.
I'm writing this in my head.
Now it's in my fingers.
Stream of consciousness rolling onto the keyboard.
The laptop on the files.
The game on the TV.
The songs on the stereo.
The things on my mind.
Nothing comes out.
More words.

Do you have days like this?

12 comments:

Indiana said...

Where thought, action, dreams and reality all collide to give no sense, direction or purpose...

...yep it was a period in my life from about 23 to 28, but it got better, slowly with each dawn it got better...

Anonymous Assclown said...

Completely irrelevent, but the buttondown oxford/panty combo is my favorite outfit ever.

That is all.

meghansdiscontent said...

Indiana - Are you implying I'm too young? :)

Anon Cow - Per usual, you have gotten to the heart of the issue. I can always count on you to find the importance of the insignificant and "irrelevent".

Oswald Croll said...

Oxford and panties.....you tease......

meghansdiscontent said...

Os - Did YOU of all people call ME a tease????? :) Hey pot, this is kettle, you are BLACK!

You men, I swear to buddha.
Trying really hard not to air dirt on all of you! Thus making my oxford/panty combo seem less interesting.

Indiana said...

Babes...

Instead of blogging around the issue to it out there in Euclid so we can understand it...we are guys, we try to fix problems failing that we look for the sexual angle in everything.

Drunken Chud said...

indie's got a point. and i know i fixated on the oxford/panties combo. that's just hot shit.

auburn said...

I'm a chick. I fixated on that combo too, thinking "what the fuck is an Oxford? Is that like my hoody?"

Anyway.

Babe, I have those days too. We all have those days, some more than others...some worse than others. At least on YOUR days like that you are super-productive! If I'm having a shite shite mentally drained or fucked up just-can't-face-this-life-shit day I just float around achieving nothing. I hate half jobs. I hate starting something and not finishing it. But on these days, I am the queen of half-jobs.

You've had an intense time of late, you really have. It's okay to feel like this sometimes. It's better than not feeling at all. It's also much better than letting bits of yourself lie to the others and pretend like you have it all together and that everything will just be 'sweet baby'!!

This day will pass. Actually, it already has. Funny thing about the sun is that it HAS to come out again...

Hugs babe. Mwah!

janestarr said...

I am pretty excellent at wasting a day and although I used to feel guilty about that, I have totally gotten over it. I hope someday you can take up the hole day by sleeping, it is awesome, it is underrated. That is my wish for you, lovely Meg.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I heart you.
You'll get through it.

meghansdiscontent said...

Indy - Trying to start trouble, handsome?? Nu uh. My problems should stay MY problems . . not aired for the entire blogging world. So, I guess that means you kids get to do what you always do - - stick to the sexual angle. :) Lurv you guys.

Chud - You say that about EVERYTHING I ever describe wearing. Sweaty shirt and yoga pants - hot. Silky pinstripe pajamas - hot. Boy shorts and black lace bra - hot. What if I said Brown Paper Bag???

Auburn - Girlie, that's totally an Aussie thing though . . you were just wondering what it was. Just a button up shirt basically. As for the day . . amen. We do all have days like that, and I've seemed to have more than my fair share lately. Fate getting back at me, I guess. And I'm not much of a liar. I pretty well suck at lying. It's easy to tell when I don't think everything will be fine. Today was one of those days, but you're right, it's passing . . . and getting better by the minute. Thanks for the hugs, chica! You rock! Much love.

Janestarr - Lucky! I really suck at wasting time. No really. It's sad. Which is hilarious because my mom thinks I'm the laziest person on the planet. (she thinks watching 30 minutes of TV a day is lazy . . . you just have to know my mom). I hope I get to follow your example one day soon, lady! Thanks tons for the kind thoughts.

Laurie - Oh, chica, I lurv you. Thanks for the pep talk earlier! You're awesome! And I did your Meme after our chat. How did SHE get that finger injury again??? Food related acci?? :)

Oswald Croll said...

Meggie - I don't tease, I'm just a prude !