Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Today

Today, I'm trying to remember.
I'm trying to remember why I don't say to hell with my priorities and just drive.
I don't want to be at work.
I don't want to be at home.

I just want to be on the road.
Windows down.
Maybe even (NOTE: This is illegal and highly ill advised) like that drive to Gulf Shores freshman year of college, when Emily convinced me that it was okay to put the car in cruise control and hang my barefeet out the windows while driving.
Everyone else in the car was doing it.
It made sense at the time.
It's what you do when you're almost to the beach.

Maybe I have a particular destination in mind.
Maybe I don't.
Seattle, New York, the ocean, the mountains.
Anywhere, everywhere, somwhere specific.
Just not here.
Not today.
I feel restless.
Anxious.
Unsteady on my own feet.

Ani Difranco spoke to me this morning.
Though, instead of a walk (I did that at 3 this morning), I want to drive:

Think I'll go for a walk now
Feel a little unsteady
Don't want no one to bother me
Except maybe you


Today, I don't want to be an adult.
I want to be 20 again.
That's still a child, in case you were wondering.
I want to be in love.
I want not to care that there are suddenly miles and miles of road between us.
It wasn't an obstacle.
Two and a half hours.
The drive took seconds.

Every night.
Every morning.
I drove to him.
I drove back to my responsibilities.
I drove back to him.

42,000 miles in one year.
It didn't matter.
I wore out cds.
Did you know you could do that?
You can't really.
I don't think.
But I scratched them, unintentionally.
Ruined them.
The soundtrack to Great Expectations.
Depeche Mode.
Our Lady Peace.
They all still make me think of him.
And driving.

A bag of supplies is in my vehicle.
It always is.
Perpetual soccer mom.
Even without children.
Change of scrubs, change of clothes, shoes, underwear, emergency make-up kit, travel size shampoos and conditioners, hair dryer, toothpaste, toothbrush, perfume.
I'm ready.
I'm always ready.

Credit card hidden in the vehicle.
Emergency credit card.
Only to be used for gas and hotel rooms.
For moments like this.
When I can't stand to be here another second.
When everything seems too much, but not enough.
Not enough at all.
Because one thing is missing.

And when I feel empty, or scared, I drive.
I drive fast.
To no where, to everywhere.
Just drive.
An hour, six hours.
Just go.

I want to go.
More than I wanted to go yesterday, but still not enough.
Because I'm not a child anymore.
I can't just leave.
People count on me.
I count on me.
To be responsible.
To do what's right.
To do what's necessary.

So, here I am.
At work.
But today, I don't want to be here.
Not today.

Tomorrow might be different.
I might feel more secure at home.
More right with the world.
At ease, confident, secure.
Wanting things to come to me.
Waiting for my destiny.
But not today.
Today I want to find it.
Today.

14 comments:

Coyote Mike said...

Go read "Blue Highways" by William Least Heat-Moon.

Bone said...

Thanks for sharing a bit of your soul, Meghan.

That was beautiful. Amazing.

Sometimes there are no words for your writing.

Jenni said...

You describe "those days" that I have too...so perfectly. The urge is so strong. What if I just kept going down this road to see where it leads, and not look back?

MappyB said...

Girl, I am jsut like that, with the driving. Getting away is so nice, and I miss it so much since I sold my car to join the public transportation. AH!!! So sad, I can't leave.

You really go walking at 3am? I hope you're somewhere safe where that's ok to do!

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

If you decide to go, take me with you!
Aint nothin wrong with hangin your piggies out the window drivin! If you get pulled over, you know you'd get out of that. :P

I know those days well though. When you just wanna drive, drive, drive, and forget your responsibilities - and have your responsibilities forget YOU, so that no one will care you've gone and eventually, you'll end up somewhere where it's okay to stop and after you get there, you'll feel better.

alison said...

sometimes being a grown up just isn't the most fun.

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote Mike - Hmmm . . . who and what?? Never heard of it.

Bone - Anytime. I tend to be really good at just laying my soul out on the table. What I'm not good at is remembering to pull it off the table before someone steals it . . or mangles it.

Jenni - Exactly, girl. Exactly.

MappyB - AGH! I could NEVER ever get rid of all my vehicles. Maybe all but one. But I would have to have one. I have to drive. Have to. As for walking, when I can't sleep, it seems useless to just lay in bed. So I read, I write, I walk, I shop, whatever. Something productive. And I live in the safest place on the planet. Unless it's my brother or his roommate, I would never be hurt here.

Laurie - Oh . . girl. I think you jinxed me!! You posted this comment right before . . . heck, you'll read about it tomorrow. NO MORE TALK OF PO-PO's. Evaaarrrr. And OMG girl you nailed it. ". . . somewhere where it's okay to stop and after you get there, you'll feel better." I just feel like if I could drive . . I would find where I need to be. I would find where it's alright. I think I know where it is, but I'm not sure. I need to get there. And fast.

Alison - You can say that again. Bleck.

Coyote Mike said...

Guy's life goes to crap, so he packs a few things in a van and drives cross country using only two lane roads. Meets people, eats good food, tries to find himself. Could be inspirational.

Drunken Chud said...

i say go. just drive. i'll be the devil on your shoulder. well, not ACTUALLY on your shoulder, that would break your shit.

mrshife said...

Meghan you truly do have a gift with the written word. Thanks again for sharing.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

If Chuddy is the devil on your shoulder than I get to be the angel. We all know how innocent and sinless I am. :)

Uh oh. Did you get stopped today Meghie?

Steph said...

I've felt like that. But i don't want to drive. I want to jump on a plane and go far, far away.

Scorpy said...

I do this a lot, not the procrastination, but the actual event. I have a bag always packed and when i've had enough...I drive. I don't know wher I'm going or what I'll do when I get ther but I drive. I finally arrive at some pleace I have never been before and settle in forma few days. I meet the people (Country Folk) and see the sites. I talk and forget about everything 'back there' until I finally ahve to return to the mundane and my responsibilities. Great writing again Brittany..I love your work, it is so expressive.

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote Mike - Hmm . . . I'll definitely look into it.

Drunken Chud - Of course you do! I can't go. Not now. I'm not sure when I can. But I will.

MrShife - Thank you, sir. You are too kind.

Laurie - Um hm, innocent and sinless, wooops, just thinking that made my computer screen catch fire. As for getting stopped . .. I'm sure I will have to blog about it. Rolli and True deserve to know that their wishes finally came true. :(

Steph - I wonder if I would feel that way if I didn't hate, fear and loathe planes as much as I do. Motor vehicle - the control freak's escape plan.

Scorpy - I envy you. I can't make myself do it. I just keep thinking of the people I would disappoint, the responsibilities I would be avoiding, the cost to those outside of myself. And I stay. Until I can justify not staying anymore. Thank you, Scorpy, I try and just write. I try not to change it or tweak it because the first things I write are what come from my feelings . . straight from the gut . . . and changing them only makes it more mundane.