I swear these things only happen to me.
In fact, my friends swear it, too.
And they wouldn't believe it, but they've witnessed it.
So, again, today:
I couldn't sleep.
It's about par for the course.
Lots of things to worry about lately.
Around midnight, I fall semi-asleep.
Until 4 AM.
And my body and mind give my tiredness a big "screw you" and refuse to let me rest.
I'm a productive girl, I can accomplish things.
Shower, dress, become presentable.
Drive to Wal-Mart.
4:20 in the morning.
Thinking - wow, this may be better than 2 AM on Fridays.
Surely there are no white-trash lurkers (save for the stock boys), they're all in bed.
I enter the store and cautiously look around.
No lurkers! :) Yay! Happiness.
I wander aimlessly through the store procuring those items necessitating the trip.
Skim milk, pen refills, fax machine toner, you get the idea.
Now, I would say what happened next was atypical.
If it were anyone else but me.
But for me . . . this is not atypical.
I'm quite regularly stalked in Wal-Mart.
Sometimes by old friends, sometimes by stock boys and occasionally by a man with cut-off Wrangler denim shorts, 30-yr old converse shoes, unfortunate teeth and an airbrushed t-shirt with a billiard table on the front and "Rack 'Em Steve!" on the back.
This morning, I was a little more fortunate.
Actually, a lot more fortunate.
Though,guys, you have to come up with better lines:
Tall Man: "Excuse me, where did you find that fax machine refill?"
Me (having not looked to see who I'm talking to because I could care less): "Office supply aisle."
Tall Man: "Well, I've already been down there and I couldn't find it."
Me (still not looking, still not caring): "Well, it's there. Above the paper shredders and to the right of the massive rolls of ticket stubs."
Tall Man: "Who do you think buys those ticket stubs, anyway?"
Me (turning to look because it's obvious now that he's not asking for assistance but trying to strike up a conversation): "Ex-carnies that miss the good life."
Tall Man: laughing "You could be right."
Me: "It's a distinct possibility. It does tend to happen from time to time."
Tall man is tall.
At least 6'5".
Still not registering if he's attractive or not.
It's too early, it's Wal-Mart and I have other interests.
Tall Man: "I get the feeling it happens more often than not with you."
Me: "I get the feeling you're making large assumptions."
Tall Man: laughing "You're pretty funny."
Me (really NOT trying to be funny, I just tend to be sarcastic and ironic in the early morning hours): "Now, see. Qualifiers are never good. Had you stopped at 'pretty' or just 'funny', I could accept the compliment, but since you paired the two, I have my doubts."
Tall Man: letting out a bark of laughter that would have startled fish "Do you always flirt with strange men in Wal-Mart?"
Me: "Oh boy, if you think that's flirting, I fear for your future in the South."
Tall Man: looking a bit taken aback "You're making the implication that I'm not from the South?"
Me: "You're not. Accents not right. And you haven't adopted any of the hallmarks yet, so you haven't been here long."
Tall Man: "Scrubs. I took you for a nurse or maybe a doctor. I'm guessing I was wrong."
Me: "Speech language pathologist."
Tall Man: "Do you have a card?"
Me: "Oooohhhh, that was subtle."
Tall Man: laughing, again "Was it that obvious?"
Me: "That you were fishing for my number, uh yeah."
Tall Man: "Can't blame a guy for trying."
Me: "Only most men would ask for a girl's name first."
Tall Man: "I thought I would be more inventive. Go for the gold and all."
Me: smiling "You just said 'go for the gold'. Oh wow. Cutie, there went any and all chance of you getting my number."
Tall Man: "You just called a 35-yr old man 'cutie', maybe I should rethink wanting your number."
So, at 4:38 in the morning, I met Kendel.
Transplant to Arkansas by way of New York.
Not afraid to approach women in Wal-Mart.
And I still have no idea why he was in Wal-Mart at 4:38 in the morning.
But I can't make any judgements there . . . because, of course, I was there, too.
And before you ask;
No - he didn't get my number.
Yes - he was very attractive in a Patrick Dempsey, you can tell I wasn't much to look at when I was younger, but I keep getting better as the years pass, kind of way.
No - I wasn't interested or tempted.
Yes - I'm kind of disappointed that I wasn't, because it means I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and it's a REALLY unsteady basket at the moment.
No - I don't flirt with randoms in Wal-Mart.
Yes - my sarcasm could be considered harsh, but it was at least 2 hours before sunrise, what did you want?
Any other questions?