Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Unlikely Places

I swear these things only happen to me.
In fact, my friends swear it, too.
And they wouldn't believe it, but they've witnessed it.
So, again, today:

I couldn't sleep.
Big surprise.
It's about par for the course.
Lots of things to worry about lately.
Around midnight, I fall semi-asleep.
Until 4 AM.
And my body and mind give my tiredness a big "screw you" and refuse to let me rest.
Fine, whatever.
I'm a productive girl, I can accomplish things.

Shower, dress, become presentable.
Drive to Wal-Mart.
Yes, Wal-Mart.
4:20 in the morning.
Thinking - wow, this may be better than 2 AM on Fridays.
Surely there are no white-trash lurkers (save for the stock boys), they're all in bed.
I enter the store and cautiously look around.
No lurkers! :) Yay! Happiness.
I wander aimlessly through the store procuring those items necessitating the trip.
Skim milk, pen refills, fax machine toner, you get the idea.

Now, I would say what happened next was atypical.
If it were anyone else but me.
But for me . . . this is not atypical.
I'm quite regularly stalked in Wal-Mart.
Sometimes by old friends, sometimes by stock boys and occasionally by a man with cut-off Wrangler denim shorts, 30-yr old converse shoes, unfortunate teeth and an airbrushed t-shirt with a billiard table on the front and "Rack 'Em Steve!" on the back.
True story.

This morning, I was a little more fortunate.
Actually, a lot more fortunate.
Though,guys, you have to come up with better lines:

Tall Man: "Excuse me, where did you find that fax machine refill?"

Me (having not looked to see who I'm talking to because I could care less): "Office supply aisle."

Tall Man: "Well, I've already been down there and I couldn't find it."

Me (still not looking, still not caring): "Well, it's there. Above the paper shredders and to the right of the massive rolls of ticket stubs."

Tall Man: "Who do you think buys those ticket stubs, anyway?"

Me (turning to look because it's obvious now that he's not asking for assistance but trying to strike up a conversation): "Ex-carnies that miss the good life."

Tall Man: laughing "You could be right."

Me: "It's a distinct possibility. It does tend to happen from time to time."

Tall man is tall.
Very tall.
At least 6'5".
Still not registering if he's attractive or not.
It's too early, it's Wal-Mart and I have other interests.

Tall Man: "I get the feeling it happens more often than not with you."

Me: "I get the feeling you're making large assumptions."

Tall Man: laughing "You're pretty funny."

Me (really NOT trying to be funny, I just tend to be sarcastic and ironic in the early morning hours): "Now, see. Qualifiers are never good. Had you stopped at 'pretty' or just 'funny', I could accept the compliment, but since you paired the two, I have my doubts."

Tall Man: letting out a bark of laughter that would have startled fish "Do you always flirt with strange men in Wal-Mart?"

Me: "Oh boy, if you think that's flirting, I fear for your future in the South."

Tall Man: looking a bit taken aback "You're making the implication that I'm not from the South?"

Me: "You're not. Accents not right. And you haven't adopted any of the hallmarks yet, so you haven't been here long."

Tall Man: "Scrubs. I took you for a nurse or maybe a doctor. I'm guessing I was wrong."

Me: "Speech language pathologist."

Tall Man: "Do you have a card?"

Me: "Oooohhhh, that was subtle."

Tall Man: laughing, again "Was it that obvious?"

Me: "That you were fishing for my number, uh yeah."

Tall Man: "Can't blame a guy for trying."

Me: "Only most men would ask for a girl's name first."

Tall Man: "I thought I would be more inventive. Go for the gold and all."

Me: smiling "You just said 'go for the gold'. Oh wow. Cutie, there went any and all chance of you getting my number."

Tall Man: "You just called a 35-yr old man 'cutie', maybe I should rethink wanting your number."

Me: "Touch'e."

So, at 4:38 in the morning, I met Kendel.
Transplant to Arkansas by way of New York.
Acxiom employee.
Not afraid to approach women in Wal-Mart.
And I still have no idea why he was in Wal-Mart at 4:38 in the morning.
But I can't make any judgements there . . . because, of course, I was there, too.

And before you ask;

No - he didn't get my number.
Yes - he was very attractive in a Patrick Dempsey, you can tell I wasn't much to look at when I was younger, but I keep getting better as the years pass, kind of way.
No - I wasn't interested or tempted.
Yes - I'm kind of disappointed that I wasn't, because it means I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and it's a REALLY unsteady basket at the moment.
No - I don't flirt with randoms in Wal-Mart.
Yes - my sarcasm could be considered harsh, but it was at least 2 hours before sunrise, what did you want?

Any other questions?


beachgirl said...

Can he be my birthday present?? Seriously, just b/c YOUR eggs are all in one basket, doesn't mean your friends eggs are in the same predicament... In fact my EGGS are going to be 31 Saturday... As my momma says, I'm not getting any a sister out for the love of all that is good and holy...

Coyote Mike said...

I've started conversations like that, but only when I was actually looking for the fax toner or whatever. Then, when they told me where it was, I would go and look for it.

Plus, I usually only ask questions like that of people who work in a store.

At least he wasn't scary. Yay, you made a friend :P

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

First, this must be repeated because it made my Ramen nearly explode from my nose as I was eating. (note to self: don't eat or drink when reading Meghan's blog):
"occasionally by a man with cut-off Wrangler denim shorts, 30-yr old converse shoes, unfortunate teeth and an airbrushed t-shirt with a billiard table on the front and "Rack 'Em Steve!" on the back.
True story."


I'm mortified by the picker-uppers in Walmart.
But I will also go out on a limb and say that I'm kind of intrigued by the random guy. I mean at least he wasn't someone where you felt compelled for God to make you a bird so you could run fah - fah fah away from here.
I totally believe all of this happened. How could I not? When these sort of monstrosities happen to us on the daily?
And girlfriend please be careful in those late night Walmart parking lots.
The ticket stub thing made me ponder a bit too in the middle of reading.

Hm. If you want my opinion, I'd say Random Man would have called if you'd given him your number - but we can't be too sure on what any outcome woulda been had you graciously armed him with it. I mean as nice or normal as he may've seemed, no girl can be sure about a sketchy man in Walmart strikin up a conversation.
But then again like you said YOU were there at that time too.
Still..I woulda done what you did. It just aint right somehow.

I wonder if he found the alleged ink refills or whatever that was.

Guys are so easy to see through. I mean really. Do they really think a woman will ever believe their true movive?


Laurie (aka buggy) said...

by "movive" i mean "moTive."


MappyB said...

Oh ma goodness - I miss those early morning Wal-Mart runs in Statesboro, GA, but I don't miss the men!

So you're a Speech language pathologist - my old roommate used to want to do that but had trouble finding colleges to go to for it - that and Art Therapy.
Interesting profession! Cool!

Rolligun said...

That's not a bad attempt at the crack of dawn, couple that with what must have been a glowing presence, I think he held his own.

It didn't sound like he was able to keep up with your wits, but a good effort nonetheless.

I agree the "going for the gold" was probably a series of poor selections on his part, but we did just finish the olympics, so it's easy to see why he found those words so useful and available.

Glad to hear that you got caught up on your errands this time, instead of filing a midnight patent, which I think is what you did last time.

Jenni said...

Ooooohhh Wal-mart!!! There should be a socializing section!!!

auburn said...

"Go for Gold".


But dissed a Patrick Dempsey? Any other hour of the day and I'd frown at that...4.38 in the morning and i'll let it slide.

I don't know WalMart...but I'm thinking it's 24 hours? 24hour everything stores sound like fun. I'm not going to bag anyone hanging out in them, because I myself am the type that would need to stock my stationery collection at 3am, I just KNOW it.

4am in the morning...getting hit on whilst buying fax know you've got it:)

Glad you're feeling okay. Don't be a stranger!

Coyote Mike said...

I would like to thank Buggy for the Forrest Gump reference.

Auburn: Walmart is evil with semi-convenient parking.

beachgirl said...

Auburn- honey, don't let that ole coyote try to tell you walmart is evil!!

Somebody has GOT to buy this girl a plane ticket to the states just to see a walmart!! It's worth the trip, the people watching value is priceless!

Scorpy said...

Damn...I wish we had Wal-Mart :)

Drunken Chud said...

so... may i have your number?

angel, jr. said...

Who does buy those rolls of tickets.

i said...

i should hang out in my supermarket in the wee hours of the morning more often i think :) sounds interesting :P


mrshife said...

Unfortunate teeth. That is funny.
I think Wal-Mart should use this material for their new commercials. It sure beats that bouncing smiling face or whatever the hell they are using these days.

meghansdiscontent said...

Beachgirl - Umm, uh huh! :) We will find you a man to utilize your 31 yr old eggs. I promise! In fact, maybe I can find Kendel's card . . totally kidding - but seriously, he seemed like a nice enough guy. Crystal's husband works at Acxiom . . . I could give him a call and see if he can get Kendel's number for you the next time you're in town. Though, I think my bubbahead would get jealous.

Coyote - Nope, no friends made. Didn't want to lead him on. Wal-Mart was the extent.

Laurie - Ah, girl! :) THOSE are the guys that stalk me!!! And you thought Exxon boy was bad! I am super careful in the parking lot, I assure you. Mace in hand, keys between my fingers, cell phone ready to dial, foot ready to kick between legs. Ticket stubs - I don't want to think about them too much. Though I WILL admit that I bought some once . . . When I was a RA, I needed them for a program for my residents. Uh huh. Don't ask. Random man would definitely have called, it was obvious, but my heart is totally immersed elsewhere right now. Hopefully always. But I'm enjoying the "right now" . . . whether it goes forever or not. Guys ARE really easy to see through - - unless you want to be able to see through them . . then we make them all complicated. Craziness.

LOL - honey, I think we knew what you meant. :)

MappyB - Good heavens . . . Wal-Mart drives me BONKERS. It's as though people crawl out of the nearest hole in the wall (or trailer park) and then come out to play. Yep- I'm a SLP . . and I love LOVE love it. Too bad your roommate couldn't get into it. Thanks!!

Rolligun - "glowing presence", umm, doll, have you been at the bong again?? Though, he did do a pretty good job of holding his own. Do you know males that can keep up with my wits??? Are they coming back to the states with you?? Might I procure some from you? (2 for weekdays, 1 for weekends) "Going for the Gold" is never allowable. Olympic season or no. Umm, well, I didn't say I didn't do things BEFORE showering and going to Wal-Mart. Never assume, my dear man. Never assume.

Jenni - The socializing section is at Target. :) I love me some Target.

Auburn - Thank you! You understand!! I love you for that! Go for the Gold???? what what?? Chica, I had to ditch Dempsey, I have the possibility to spend forever with someone far hotter. And were I to contemplate Dempsey . . well, I don't know. Because it didn't even cross my mind. I'm head over heels right now. Ignoring all other male specimen. Yes, 24 hours. And thank heavens. I can't deal with crowds of crazies. I have to go in wee morning hours to avoid as many as possible. You have no 24 hour places???????????? When are you coming to live in YOUR room here??? I don't know about "got it", though! :) I PROMISE I'm going to catch up on everyone's blog. I've just been crazy busy. And it's funny, but I feel SO guilty about it.

Beachgirl - I'll buy the ticket. The poor girl needs a dose of the scariness that is Wal Mart.

Scorpy - So you can hit on women in the toner sections??? :)

Drunken Chud - ha ha ha ha ha! Ummm. . . .no. :)

Angel, Jr - I hate to admit that I have done it. It was necessary. Trust me.

i - GOOD PLAN! :) Just don't ask a girl if you can squeeze her melons. Stay out of the produce section.

MrShife - You don't understand the level of unfortunateness. NO ads should portray this. You would need charts to go into that amount of unfortunate depth. Scariness.

Drunken Chud said...