Sunday, March 12, 2006

Why I Wish I Had Saved Mark’s Friend’s Phone Number

To tell him “Thank You.”

Thank you for motivating me.
Because, sometimes, I’m not enough.

I started my run/walk tonight, like always.
Only it was a little better tonight.
Balmy 80 degrees.
Cool wind blowing.
The smells of fresh cut grass, the honeysuckle already lining the fence lines, clean laundry wafting from house vents . . . .
Wonderful.
Until I started my second mile.
Uphill, downhill, uphill, downhill.
I was losing my enthusiasm.
Feeling the burn and the pain.

But I pushed through.
Second mile accomplished, I meandered my way to my driveway.
I caught a glimpse of myself in my windows.
Face flushed, sweat running down my back, staining my shirt.
Tears mingling with the sweat on my face because my hip had started grinding and aching a half a mile ago.
But none of this is what bothered me.
It was the way the spandex shirt clung just a little too much to my curves that caught my attention.
The way my breasts bounced even when confined by two sports bras.
The way my track shorts rode up a bit on my thighs.
And then I heard it.
His voice mocking me: “I don’t think you’re all that.”

Screw you, asshole.
I turned right back around.
And ran another half mile.
Harder than I ran the first two miles.

And when I got home . . .
Instead of doing the 100 crunches on the exercise ball that I do every night.
I did 200.
Instead of the 25 bicep and tricep curls I do with the elastic bands, I did 50.
I wore myself out until I couldn’t hear him mocking me anymore.
And I felt better about myself.
Yeah, maybe I’m not all that.
I haven’t been for a while.
But I will be again.
Sickness or no.
Medications or no.
Alone or no.
By God, I will be better than I was.
Inside if not out.
But I will do my damndest to change the outside, too.
And he can bite me.

I just wish I would have saved his number.
So I could tell him that.

15 comments:

Indiana said...

The catch of course is even if you had the number people like him are not worth the effort...do things for yourself Brittany, do them because they make you feel special...don't succumb to the insults of fools who merely project their own fraility as a weapon.

trueborn said...

I'm with Indiana, bet you didn't know I was going to say that.

Fuck him.

He doesn't even deserve your contempt, save that for the people who hit their kids and whatnot.

What he needs is a solid ass kicking.

lol

Hope you had a nice weekend Brit. Oh wait, you may not remember it, you were in TN.

janestarr said...

He is motivation, but just don't put so much stock in his bullshit that you end up detrimenting your progress. You will get there, just be patient with yourself and have faith that the next time you see that shithead you will fucking knock his socks off. But, love yourself first and then kick em in the ass.

Rolligun said...

I wish you still had his number too, not for the "phone call" though. I know you wouldn't really make that call,

but maybe, just maybe, you'd use it for the right reasons. You'd engineer disturbing prank calls, give it to tele-marketing lists, gay males and so on.

I think Meghan would do the right thing.

The "phone call" is just a moment of redemeption, fuck it, Meghan already knows.

Coyote Mike said...

If he called your cell, won't his number be on your phone bill?

But I don't think you really need it. You can kick his ass just by being the "all that" that we all know you really are.

Scorpy said...

Damn...Indy nailed it!!! Don't take crap. I love the part about 'inside if not out' as I think without the self believing their is a change then the exterior may as well be left alone. I am on the same mission but it is not impossible

Anonymous said...

True to Indy...
-MappyB

Oswald Croll said...

I better stop teasing you or you'll beat the crap out of me.

Muah,
Os

Jenni said...

Dang girl!! I'm worn out just from reading everything you did for that workout. Just don't hurt yourself. We already know that you're "all that"!

Lizzie said...

I'm with everyone else - he's not even worth the effort. Good for you though for working so hard!

On a side note, your post totally brought back the days when I used to wear two sports bras. Man, that was uncomfortable! I done gone and lost my boobies though so no more of that. (THAT's not where I wanted to lose the weight! I run on my legs but somehow it's my boobs that get smaller... grrr.)

meghansdiscontent said...

Indiana - Thank you, dear. I think you know me a little better than that. It wasn't the thought of HIM spurring me . . . just the acknowledgement of my thoughts of myself reflected in his words.

Trueborn - Right, right. I had NO idea you were going to side with Indiana. Have I told you guys my theory about you being the same person?? As for the weekend in TN . . . it was unexpectedly cancelled. Sorry, I forgot to tell you!

Janestarr - Excellent advice, chica! And I do love myself. Very much, in fact. At times, I'm downright egotistical. :) You believe that, right? Seriously though, I'm lucky in that the only thing I'm unhappy about is my body. And if there's something to regret . . . I would rather it be my shape than anything else.

Rolli - Again, I say, how do you know me this well???????????? (and yet, you were probably directly on target)

Coyote Mike - Ummm, I don't know. But I do know there's NO way I can sort through all those numbers. Last month my phone bill was 48 pages. Don't ask. Just know that the cell phone is also the business phone.

Scorpy - Good man! :) And why does Indy always beat everyone to the sage advice??

MappyB - See what I told Scorpy. :)

Os - I'd beat the crap out of you anyway. You get off on abuse. ha ha ha

Jenni - No pain, no gain, girlie! You know that. But I won't push it TOO far. I know the limits and which ones I can push.

Lizzie - Oh thank heavens! I'm so glad someone else feels my pain! I've had these things since . . . holy buddha . . . since I was like 10. I NEVER lose weight in my breasts. LUCKY!!!! Even when I was skinny minnie I had breasts from Hades. Ever notice that your legs just get bigger?? I swear, between competetive swimming and running/walking . . . I have legs that pro football players would envy.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I'm mad though. It makes me sick how a stupid guy will say something so thoughtless and rude and not think twice about it - because his selfish mind doesn't reach his cold heart to let it know that he could be damaging someone's self esteem.
I've had it happen plenty of times. My ex one told me, I put on weight and I could lose a little. He said I gained it in my ass.
Do they even know what that does to a girl? No, because men like that are thoughtless.
I started doing crunches nonstop, spent so much longer than usual getting ready, constantly studied myself in the mirror. I felt insecure and I felt so unhappy because I majorly cut down my eating. It was horrible. I felt so bad about myself because of his one comment.
It is kind of fulfilling in a sick way to have someone make you so mad that you take that agression out on something you want to work for you. Like, you want to be healthy and exercise for yourself - and his snot-nosed comment is like an extra driver to make you push yourself and push yourself.

I hope you let it work for the right reasons. But please don't take what some worthless, cocky scrub says to heart. I know we girls do anyway, when it comes to appearance. There's nothing anyone can say to make us stop criticizing ourselves.

Please don't take that boy seriously though. Don't let someone so flawed make you feel bad.

Drunken Chud said...

well, i'm glad you're trying to look good for me. but, truth be told, i've kinda let myself go. so i'm no place to judge. so, you can ease up. but, if you don't want to that's ok.

Coyote Mike said...

I don't know if this would help or not, but if you can remember the day and the time, you could narrow it down, unless you got a whole bunch of calls at the same estimated time from people you don't know.

Barry S. said...

I wouldn't give that douchebag the satisfaction of knowing that his dumb comments got to you.

When you are better and hotter than ever you will probably run into him...he will probably be overweight by then, too, which will make it more sweet.