Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Hurricane Brittany, At Your Service

The drama of my life never ceases to amaze me.
I’m not sure how or why, but God enjoys playing with me.

So, I admit, I made a mistake a few months ago.
A huge, huge, gigantor mistake.
Celibacy sucks and it drives you to crazy things.
No, literally, crazy things.
I called my nutso ex.
The one who had amazing bedroom skills.
But also hacked into all AR cellular companies to get my new phone number when I cancelled my cell service because he would NOT. STOP. CALLING.
But I was drunk . . . and he’s SO good in bed.

I digress.
If you remember correctly, he told me after a few hours of amazing hotel sex that he was engaged.
But was glad I had called.
Because he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
And we were supposed to be together.
And now he could call off the engagement.
Remember how I just grabbed my clothes, called him stupid, told him to marry her and ran.
Ummm . . .. Yeah.

Guess who showed up at my house tonight.
5:43 PM.
Three days before his wedding.
Hello! People! Are you reading this?!?!?!

He needed to talk.
Said he was conflicted.
Didn’t know what to do.
He loves her, but he can’t stop thinking about me.
Which is why, when she offered him anything he wanted for his birthday a few months ago, he called me to see if I would participate in a three-way with him and the girlfriend/fiancee.
I thought Robin and Stephen were going to fall out of their chairs when I told them that little bit over dinner one night.
I digressed again.
Little stressed here.
He spent almost 3 hours here.
Sitting on my couch.
In tears.
Asking me what to do with his life.
Asking me for re-assurance that he was making the right decision.
Asking me to tell him that there’s never a chance I will want him back.

Well, the massive amounts of Kleenex I had to keep bringing you . . . that’s a visual that won’t quickly go away and I can pretty much ensure it’s added to the LONG list of reasons I will never want you back in my life.
Well, that and the fact that you hacked cellular companies to find my number.
Oh, and that cracked out fit you threw in the casino in Tunica when you lost $800 (when I TOLD you to stop gambling and NOT go to the ATM) but expected me and Jaime and Patrick to leave . .. when I was up $2300 and Jaime and Patrick were up at least $400 and I got that cutie manager to comp us rooms.
And let’s not forget how you showed up at Zach and Anita’s in tears last February when you saw the article in the AR Democrat Gazette about how I was almost killed in a car wreck and instead of knocking on the door, saying "Hi, how ya doin?" you just threw open the door like you owned the joint, collapsed at my feet, pulled me to you so tightly I couldn’t breathe and screamed "I almost lost you!!!!!!!" . . . in front of the man I was living with. And my friends.
Oh, and that time in Memphis, on Beale, at Rum Boogie Café when you lost your mind and walked out of the place because I was hugging the owner . . . ummm, we’ve known each other for years, it wasn’t anything sexual, you jealous freak, and then when we found you again you stuck to me like glue in every bar/club we went to. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom. You went with me!

Why couldn’t I say any of that to you?
Because I couldn’t hurt you when you were already hurting so badly.
So, instead, all I kept doing was reminding you of how much you love your fiancee.
How you mesh.
How she does things for you that I never could or would.
How she fits into your world, and I never did.
And I pray you are happy.
And that you don’t do anything stupid Saturday.
She loves you, you love her and you should be together.
Marry her. Please marry her.

Funnily enough, I call Robin the minute he leaves and she is completely unsurprised by all of this.
It doesn’t even phase her.
Proof that she’s been my friend for too long.
She took it all in stride.
She was like "Eh, whatever, he’s a freak."
That says something, doesn’t it?
When the people in your life are no longer shocked by stories like this.
I’m going to have "Crisis Magnet" tatooed on my forehead tomorrow.
That way if you guys see me in public, you’ll know to steer clear.
FEMA should declare me a natural disaster area.


Coyote Mike said...

I think this guy watched too many canadian soap operas on late night cable or something. Why would he want all the drama? If he doesn't love her enough to know for sure, then he shouldn't marry her, and if he does, then he shouldn't be acting like a 14 year old whose date slow-danced with another boy.

Faltenin said...

big hugs - you do seem to attract these situations...

Rolligun said...

This just funny. What is a headache for you, is a laugh for me. Ha Ha!

My sister is actually having the same problem. I also think that too, is funny.

Even when it's the guy's fault, you girls are still trouble!

Trix said...

My personal opinion? You're too goddamned nice. We all have freaks in our lives at one point or another. You just have to learn to tell them to F**K OFF! C'mon, girl, I know you've got it in you!

Anyhoo...glad you'll be rid of this one in a few short days.

Kisses, Trixie

Oswald Croll said...

Quite the pickle you are in. I will chose to say nothing.... other than Holy Shite!!!!!!

And don't listen to Trixie. You are not too nice. She just wants to beat everyone up...... she's a mean gurl.


Trix said...

Bite me Os...the only one I want to beat up is you. :)

Sorry, Britts, didn't mean to make your comments section a forum for ridiculous banter. But he's such a butthead sometimes!

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote Mike - He's just . . you have to know him. He's like this. THESE types of things are why we are so NEVER getting back together.

Fal - Tell me about it. Hugs back.

Rolli - Imagine that, you're laughing at my situation. I could have guessed as much. And I might even be mad, but I'm just so glad that you're back COMMENTING (you evil lurker, you!) that I can't be mad. We are NOT trouble. I didn't do this! This is all him. And I now feel sorry for your sister.

Trix - Believe it or not, I was REALLY mean to him for a while. It didn't work. Just made him more stalkerish. Being nice is what bought me some peace for almost two years. Well, peace as in he stopped stalking. He assumed a "friend" position. Weekly phone calls, occassional meetings for lunch, but nothing else. Until I got drunk and . . yeah. Anyway. Thanks for the advice, chica. Maybe I should just be a complete biotch to him and show him that he doesn't want to be near me - - needs to marry her.

Os - Keep it up, chaco, and Trix and I will both smack you. Wait, you'd like it. Os, what the hell are we going to do with you?? If you weren't so damn cute we would have killed you off months ago. (call Trix mean again and I'll . . .I don't know what I'll do, but give me a while and I'll think of something)

Trix - No apologies necessary, trust me. When it comes to Os, I'm with you. We can disparage him all we want here. :) It's my blog. If we do it on his, though, I'm afraid some of the other blinded girls will take up for him!

Drunken Chud said...

oooh ROLLI IS BACK COMMENTING!!!! w00t! sorry megs... thunder stolen... ooh ooh, rolli! over here! notice me! hehehehehehehehehehe. no, it's not a man crush... so shut up.

Officially Fabulous said...

Oohhhhh- I've had one of THOSE! Run, run far, far away!! Let him get married and get the hell out of dodge!!
: )~ Fab