Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I Really AM Lucky (and that's not being sarcastic)

No, I’m not bipolar.
I just have moments of self pity that end up being played out on paper.
This is not one of those moments.

This is a thankful moment.
Thankful for all that I do have.
If God or The Omnipotent Being or Nature or Whom/Whatever stepped down and said "Brittany, I will make you healthy. In return, you must give up . . . " and he/she/it named any member of my family or any one of my friends, I would tell he/she/it to stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine.
Unless he/she/it was asking me to give up Becca.
That I might do.
KIDDING, Becca (if you ever read this, but you won’t because I won’t tell you where my blog is)!

My brother, regardless of his assinine-ness, is wonderful.
You have to know that.
Most of you are aware that I love that boy to distraction.
I would take a bullet for him.
I would die for him.
Yes, he knows this and takes full advantage of it.
But he returns the favor, too.

This afternoon, which will henceforth be called the perfect afternoon, I was lounging in my hammock.
The one that, coincidentally, my brother put together (I have no trees, people, I had to buy a hammock stand thingamajiggee).
Lounging, as much as one can, with a laptop.
Work does not stop simply because it’s a wonderful afternoon.
And it was wonderful.
Blue sky with clouds rolling in.
The smell of rain and new growth.
65 degrees with a cooler breeze.
HEAVEN.

I thought I heard a vehicle pull into the drive, but was too pre-occupied answering emails to get up.
Suddenly the laptop was squished against my midsection and 200 lbs of moron was on top of me.
Hi, brudder.
He had launched himself into the hammock with me.
It’s a miracle I still have a hammock.
It’s a miracle I still have a laptop.

"Hi sissy. I came to mow your yard."
"YAY! Get off me, big ass."
"Bite me."

We’re loving, aren’t we?
Yes, I can mow my own yard, but why should I.
I do everything for that child.
He runs a lawn service.
He can mow my lawn.
But, I do feel guilty watching him do it.
So I got up and weeded the landscaping. And pruned it back.
And moved all the lawn furniture out of his way.
And brought him iced tea.

And then laid my happy behind back on my hammock.
To listen to the birds chirp, the dogs bark and . . .
My brudder be a moron.

"Bricky! Me lubs you!"
"I love you too, dipstick."
He throws a wiggle in with his lawnmowing walk:
"Pieces! Pieces! Pieces of me!"
"Jayzus, bud, what are you playing on those earphones."
"I dunno, it’s on 107.7."
"Change the channel."
"Nah, she’s hot."
"You can’t see her, moron, you can just hear her."
"Whatever."

A few minutes of silence.
Then:
"You’s a hoe! Hoe! You’s a hoe! Hoe! You’s a hoe! I said that you’s a hoe!"
"That’s on the radio??? That song’s like OLD."
"No, it’s not on. You’re just a hoe!"
"Tybo, do you know when the last time I got laid was???"
"UGH! Gross! Don’t tell me this stuff! Besides I saw you and that guy with the station wagon makin out in the hammock last week."
"That was like three weeks ago. And don’t make fun of that car, it’s his work car. They make him drive it."
"Right. That’s what he tells you. You ever seen his other vehicle?"
"Yeah. I have."
"What’s he drive?"
"Why do you care?"
"Cause."
"You’ve got problems, you know that. I need charts and powerpoints to explain the number of problems you have."
"Whatever."

A few minutes of silence.
Then:
"TY! You just threw grass all over me, the hammock and . . . damnit, I can’t type! It’s all in the laptop’s keyboard."
"Ha ha ha! You got dirty! You got dirty!"
"Are you 22 or 12?"
"I’m big pimpin."
"Yeah, that’s the answer to my question. No wonder I have to write all your papers."
"You write all my papers because you’re the writer. I mow your yard because I’m the mower. That’s how we do this."
"Freak."
"Get your bitch ass in the kitchen and make me some cookies. Oh and some blueberry pancakes."
"Bite me."

Few minutes of silence.
Then:
"That don’t look like blueberry pancakes!"
"You don’t even LIKE blueberries."
"Bitch, ROAD TRIP! Watch a movie once in a while."
"I got the reference, punk."
"So where’s my cookies?"
"Make your own cookies."
"I can’t cook."
"You can’t do anything."
"I can mow!"

I would type more, but he just walked up behind me and started blowing me with the leaf blower.
The. Leaf. Blower.

Don’t you wish you had a brother?

14 comments:

Carl from L.A. said...

There is nothing more endearing than brother-sister love, is there?

Trix said...

I hope you weren't wearing a skirt when he was using the leaf blower!

Coyote Mike said...

Why do I get the feeling this is going to end with him taking a nap and you putting his hand in warm water? Can you tell me why I have that feeling?

Steph said...

I WISH i had that kind of relationship with my brother. That actually sounds like me and my sister....although, she would never be mowing my lawn, A) Because i don't have a lawn, and B) Because i don't think she's ever used a mower in her life, let alone use one for ME.

meghansdiscontent said...

Carl - Hi, Robin's friend. :) And no, I can't think of anything more endearing. As hateful as some of our interactions sound, they are wonderful. His animosity is his way of expressing emotion and still being a man. Stupid little twit.

Trix - ha ha! No, chica, I was still in my scrubs. Per usual. Mon-Fri . . . black, pink (I did NOT buy them), turquoise, lime . . .scrubs, scrubs, scrubs.

Coyote - Nah, I wouldn't do that to my bubbahead. I love him too much. IT DID end with us going out to eat, me buying his dinner (this ALWAYS happens), us going to his fraternity brothers and him "titty-slapping" me for telling Gabe that he listened to Ashlee Simpson.

Steph - Ah, Steph, give it time. Maybe you will have that relationship with your brother. Ty and I HATED each other until I left for college. HATED. There were moments of love, but mostly we resented the other's existence. Funny how age and distance make your relationship so much better. She's never used a mower????????

angel, jr. said...

Of course it's a perfect afternoon--why shouldn't it be. It involved a hammock and leaf blowing!!

Jenni said...

Ty sounds like he's both a wonderful guy and a migrane headache all rolled into one! I think it's better than great that you two have each other.

Carl from L.A. said...

Tell Robin to enjoy her new job, and to send me her e-mail address in case I need to send or say anything that doesn't fit in the comments box.

My sister and I are still close even after many fist fights as kids.

Carl from L.A. said...

Oh never mind, I found it.

Coyote Mike said...

titty-slapping? What does that . . . wait, no, I don't think I want to know.

20-Questions said...

This made me laugh, you two sound very much like my brother and I. Except we have a Jack/Karen thing going. He's completely gay, but he can still be a typical male asshole sometimes. That whole conversation sounds just like us. Still they usually make the best ones, brothers are great. ;)

meghansdiscontent said...

Angel, jr - EXACTLY! :)

Jenni - Boy, did you nail that one. I love him so much it hurts, but sometimes I just want to ship him to another planet. Thank ya, chica. I don't know what I'd do without the little bugger.

Carl - Just fists?? My dad finally gave up trying to tear us apart and tried some reverse psychology. He bought a dry erase board and started awarding us points for the best blows. Ty got 5 points when he shoved a flathead screwdriver into my knee. I got 3 points when I wrapped a telephone cord around his neck and choked him long enough to pull a HAND.FUL. of hair out of his head. Wow . . that sounds a LOT worse than it was. At the time, it was normal brother-sister stuff. (remind me to only have one child)

Carl - Isn't it nice? I made her put it on her profile this week.

Coyote - It's not as dirty as it sounds. Breasts are just (typically) very tender, and the larger they are, the more they stick out and the easier the target. He just aimed down and slapped me as hard as he could. I saw this morning that I have finger bruises from how hard he hit. I got him back though, trust me. :)

20-questions - You're so lucky! I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a brother, or a close relationship with their brother. Jack/Karen? :) Do you guys touch tummies? LOVE it!

Ang said...

YAY brothers!!

Coyote Mike said...

LA LA LA Can't hear you talking about your brother hitting your boobs LA LA LA LA LA!!!