I can't even sleep without being bothered!
Which makes sense, if you ascribe to the belief that our dreams are where we work out our stresses and fears.
I got, perhaps, three hours of sleep last night.
And they were greatly welcomed.
Because I haven't slept in days and days.
BUT, it was not a restful sleep . . . imagine that! :)
I had a series of nightmares.
One about The Someone.
One about my family.
And lastly, and the one I shall divulge, one about my newfound medical problems.
Some of you have emailed me asking what the doctors said, well:
My kidneys are shutting down.
Quite possibly, this is because of all the medication I've been taking and other factors related to other health problems.
Or it could be something else entirely.
But whatever the cause, they think it's reversible.
And if it's not, hey, just another surgery - right? Kidney transplant.
I'm going in Thursday to learn about the switch in medications I will be doing and to go through a series of other tests, etc.
Tests that my brother decided to enlighten me on last night.
Hence one of the nightmares.
The Nightmare of My Sleep
My brother takes me into the hospital.
The doctor calls us back, but instead of being my regular doctor, it's one of the guys from my brother's nursing class (Matt).
I look at him and say "You're not a doctor."
He answers with "Same diff."
Two other guys - AT and Brian - come into the room.
Before I know what's happening, my brother has helped them get me on the examining table and they are holding me face down on the white butcher paper.
I see Matt pull the BIGGEST NEEDLE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE out of his scrub pocket and I can hear them telling me "It's only going to hurt for a minute."
My brother is holding down both my legs.
AT and Brian are on either side of me pining down my shoulders.
And Matt says "I'm going to drain your kidneys, they just need to be drained."
And he stabs me in the back with the needle.
I'm screaming and looking over my shoulder and seeing the syringe at the end of the needle fill with all this neon green liquid.
And then I pass out.
And the dream transitions.
But you get the gist.
I guess the nightmare could have been worse.
I could have been dreaming about the kidney transplant.
Anyway . . .
The Actual Nightmare
Bryan, the guy that we all agree there should be more of, bared his heart to me on Monday.
He sent an email that most girls would die to get.
But, per usual, I'm not most girls.
So all this did was tear whatever was left of my heart into teeny, tiny pieces.
Because all of this is too soon.
But to give you an idea . . . this was the first paragraph:
I’ve been debating on whether or not to send you this. I’ve wanted to say these things on some level for as long as we’ve known each other but more in the last few years than ever. I didn’t want to do it because it would seem like I was forcing your hand or trying to hurt you and those aren’t my intentions. I’ve been waiting on you to come to me. It seems like I’m always waiting on you. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t know how much longer I can watch you do these things to yourself. I don’t want to watch anymore. You make one bad decision after another. You date men who aren’t fit to lick your shoes. Men who don’t appreciate you and probably never see you for who you really are. They don’t see how brilliant you are, how much you give, how strong you can be, how much you’ve overcome. Jason then Brent then James then Ron. I won’t even talk about the Jeff years. And now this one.
Why does he have to do this to me now?
He has to know that I'm not ready for this.
Not to mention, if it was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened when we dated to begin with??
My friends, God love them, are pushing me to go for Bryan.
They think that the only reason I'm not going for him is my self esteem.
That I think he's too good for me . . .
Ummm, well, duh!
Yeah, that's probably what held me back to begin with.
But not now.
Now it's the timing and the situation and the fact that we've been friends for years, we've dated, if it was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened then???
And then there's the fact that my heart is still in pieces . . God, it's only been two weeks.
I love him. I do.
But it's as a friend.
It's a daydream.
That everything magically fixes itself.
I get everything I want.
The love of my life, my friendships resettled with no one hating me for the choices I've made over the past few weeks, my health magically restored, my bills paid off . . . .
Okay, I'd settle for just the health thing.
Or just the love thing.
Maybe even just the friends thing.
The bill thing isn't that important.