Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Good Lord.
I can't even sleep without being bothered!
Which makes sense, if you ascribe to the belief that our dreams are where we work out our stresses and fears.

I got, perhaps, three hours of sleep last night.
And they were greatly welcomed.
Because I haven't slept in days and days.
BUT, it was not a restful sleep . . . imagine that! :)

I had a series of nightmares.
One about The Someone.
One about my family.
And lastly, and the one I shall divulge, one about my newfound medical problems.

Some of you have emailed me asking what the doctors said, well:
Kidney Failure.
My kidneys are shutting down.
Quite possibly, this is because of all the medication I've been taking and other factors related to other health problems.
Or it could be something else entirely.
But whatever the cause, they think it's reversible.
And if it's not, hey, just another surgery - right? Kidney transplant.
I'm going in Thursday to learn about the switch in medications I will be doing and to go through a series of other tests, etc.
Tests that my brother decided to enlighten me on last night.
Hence one of the nightmares.

The Nightmare of My Sleep

My brother takes me into the hospital.
The doctor calls us back, but instead of being my regular doctor, it's one of the guys from my brother's nursing class (Matt).
I look at him and say "You're not a doctor."
He answers with "Same diff."

Two other guys - AT and Brian - come into the room.

Before I know what's happening, my brother has helped them get me on the examining table and they are holding me face down on the white butcher paper.
I see Matt pull the BIGGEST NEEDLE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE out of his scrub pocket and I can hear them telling me "It's only going to hurt for a minute."
My brother is holding down both my legs.
AT and Brian are on either side of me pining down my shoulders.
And Matt says "I'm going to drain your kidneys, they just need to be drained."
And he stabs me in the back with the needle.
I'm screaming and looking over my shoulder and seeing the syringe at the end of the needle fill with all this neon green liquid.

And then I pass out.
And the dream transitions.
But you get the gist.

I guess the nightmare could have been worse.
I could have been dreaming about the kidney transplant.


Anyway . . .

The Actual Nightmare

Bryan, the guy that we all agree there should be more of, bared his heart to me on Monday.
He sent an email that most girls would die to get.
But, per usual, I'm not most girls.
So all this did was tear whatever was left of my heart into teeny, tiny pieces.
Because all of this is too soon.
But to give you an idea . . . this was the first paragraph:

I’ve been debating on whether or not to send you this. I’ve wanted to say these things on some level for as long as we’ve known each other but more in the last few years than ever. I didn’t want to do it because it would seem like I was forcing your hand or trying to hurt you and those aren’t my intentions. I’ve been waiting on you to come to me. It seems like I’m always waiting on you. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t know how much longer I can watch you do these things to yourself. I don’t want to watch anymore. You make one bad decision after another. You date men who aren’t fit to lick your shoes. Men who don’t appreciate you and probably never see you for who you really are. They don’t see how brilliant you are, how much you give, how strong you can be, how much you’ve overcome. Jason then Brent then James then Ron. I won’t even talk about the Jeff years. And now this one.

Why does he have to do this to me now?
He has to know that I'm not ready for this.
Not to mention, if it was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened when we dated to begin with??

My friends, God love them, are pushing me to go for Bryan.
They think that the only reason I'm not going for him is my self esteem.
That I think he's too good for me . . .
Ummm, well, duh!
Yeah, that's probably what held me back to begin with.
But not now.
Now it's the timing and the situation and the fact that we've been friends for years, we've dated, if it was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened then???
And then there's the fact that my heart is still in pieces . . God, it's only been two weeks.
I love him. I do.
But it's as a friend.

The Dream

It's a daydream.
That everything magically fixes itself.
I get everything I want.
The love of my life, my friendships resettled with no one hating me for the choices I've made over the past few weeks, my health magically restored, my bills paid off . . . .
Okay, I'd settle for just the health thing.
Or just the love thing.
Maybe even just the friends thing.
The bill thing isn't that important.


Jenni said...

My limited and uneducated opinion about all things Meghan is that you should take it really slow with Bryan. Leave the door open. Don't shut him out. Be his friend. Maybe spend some time with him and see how it goes.
I think you should really do something totally special for yourself to take your mind off your problems. Don't let them consume you. Life will go way or another.
*Sending lots of love and hugs to you*

Drunken Chud said...

you could have the love thing. if you'd just open up your mind to some chud lovin'. it's not as bad as the papers make it out to be. really. truly.

Lizzie said...

I'm sure Bryan is a lovely person but if it was meant to be with him, I think you'd know by now. You can't force something that's not there, no matter how many right things he says. Just my two cents...

Oswald Croll said...

A BJ that will make me call within 3 days...... hoowaaaa !!!!!

Steph said...

So sorry to hear about your health Megs. Why do they have to go the transplant route right away? What about dialasis or something?

As for the boy situation, i'm the last person to be giving advice. I have nothing to offer you but my ear if you need it. ((hugs))

auburn said...

Meg darlin'...i don't know how to say this without sounding a bit odd. I'm so sorry about your kidneys! I'm so sorry for everything you have been through, you have been dealt way more than the average persons share...way more than two people could be expected to deal with. But you're still fighting, you're still laughing, you're still loving, and you're still kicking absolute arse in your everyday life.
THIS is what inspires me so about you. I know your modesty wants to bitchslap me for saying it, but you are one strong strong mother. I wish I were half the person you are.

As for the man...well, i'm actually not allowed to give out relationship or man advice. Seriously. I've zipped my lips on the issue, because until I can get it right in some way, shape or form, i will NOT cloud others with my appalling judgment. Honest to disease? Singledom. Chronically. I can laugh about it, joke about it, sucks, it hurts, but it's still kinda funny.

I just hope that whoever you decide to be with is absolutely worthy. You deserve nothing but magic. No half-arsed Mr Clean or whatnot will do. Heeeellll no.

Thinking of you girl.
Love you.

meghansdiscontent said...

Jenni - I think you're right about the Bryan thing. The trouble is . . I don't even want to take it slow. I don't want to take it anywhere. My heart is still totally wrapped up somewhere else. . . and hurting so badly that I can't see. You're right though, I shouldn't let my life consume me - which is exactly what I'm doing. I just wish I could turn my mind and my heart off for one day. Not think about any of this stuff.

Chud - Yes, yes it is. I saw that girl on the news the other day. She made it very clear that your lovin is . . . unusual.

Lizzie - So true. I just feel so badly about hurting him . . because on some levels, I'm in his exact same situation. Totally in love with someone who doesn't care a fig for me.

Os - Are you on crack?

Steph - They don't have to do the transplant thing . . maybe not at all. Sorry if that seemed like that. I was given that as a worst case scenario kind of thing. They're going to try and reverse the damage. I go to the Doc today. Woo hoo. Fun Fun. I'm hoping when he switches all my meds around he gives me some lithium or something . . . I swear, I feel like all I do is cry.

Auburn - You made me laugh. It still is so funny to me that you guys think I'm so strong. I'm the weakest person around . . . I just put on a good face. But if you could have seen me last night, you would know that I had no strength left. I think Zach and Bryan thought I was going to cry myself dry. It's possible I did cry myself dry. :) I'm a bit parched this morning. As for your singledom, ha ha, welcome to my world, chica. Don't forget that your bedroom here is still available and I'm relatively certain our plans with Janestarr regarding retirement are still on. Just fly over here. We can all be a bunch of old maids together. I know how you feel though, you laugh at yourself because otherwise you would constantly be in tears. Love you too, chica.

Drunken Chud said...

dammit. you saw that? shit.