Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Why White Men Should Take a Page From the Black Man's Playbook . . .

Gentlemen, gentlemen, you need to learn from the Masters.
One of these instances occurred today . . the first one . . . the rest have occurred over the past few weeks.
Some of you know about them, because you were lucky enough to be treated to them via email, IM or phone.
The rest of you . . well, here’s your chance:

Going For It

So, I admit, I’m a little feverish today.
I think my body’s unhappy with last weeks hospital festivities.
It’s possible that I’m trying to fight off an infection.
Lovely little 102 temperature today.
Which just makes me spacey beyond reason.
And makes me want to feel better and have fun.
So I make my own fun.

I’m STUCK in traffic this morning.
Yeah, like 20 minutes of NOT moving.
But, no prob, I got jams, I got dancing vibes, I’m down.
I pop in a rap mix CD, drop the windows, open the sunroof (it’s a beautiful day, people!) and start having fun.
Which, you guys know, means I’m dancing around my car like a lunatic.
To Notorious BIG and Bone, Thugs and Harmony’s "Notorious Thugs."
Old school - yeah. But whatever. I love it.
And I really don’t care (mainly because of the fever, I’m sure, otherwise I’m very socially conscious of what others think about me) if people see me losing it.

I’ve got my arms over my head, my torso is doing a bit of an undulation thing and my hips are rotating in my seat.
Don’t ask, okay, just go with it.

I’m mentally thinking:
"You’re a stupid skank. Take True’s advice. Bryan said he wanted to be used. Use him. Let him take you dancing. You’re dying to dance. When he gets back, you’ll tell him you’ll go. Yep, that’s a plan. Woo hoo. We got plans."
Again, I’m feverish, let me have my inner dialogue with myself.
And make no mistake, it was a dialogue.
Not a monologue.
It was totally two sided.

THIS is when I notice there’s a gentleman in the vehicle next to me.
Watching me. Windows down, listening to the music and laughing.
He notices me noticing him.

"Gurl! Whatchu doin listen to this and workin it like that? You white."
Ummm . . he’s dressed very nicely - - grey slacks, white button up, tie.
Very attractive man.
No gold or diamonds in his grill.
Why does he talk like that??
But whatever.

"Yep, but it’s a good song. You have to move to a good song."
He laughs at me and then says "If you need to back it up, gurl, I got somethin you can back up on. Give me yo number and I’ll take ya out."
Yeah, ummm, no thanks.
"Gee, thanks, but I’ve got a boyfriend."
Lie lie lie.
"Too bad."
"Yeah, sorry."
He laughs at me again.
Then goes back to rapping with the song.

Take note, boys.
He saw something he liked and he went for it.
Shot down, but at least he tried.
Next . . .

Complimenting the Girl

A few weeks ago, I was walking into one of the centers I’m contracted with and a father of one of the students is walking out.
I’ve seen him before, but his child isn’t in therapy, so I’ve never had need to talk to him.
He sees me walking towards him and does this:

Stops in the middle of the sidewalk.
Clutches his chest.
Clenches his eyes closed.
Exclaims a loud moan.
Then says: "Ooh ooh ooh, Ms. Nurse Lady (umm, scrubs mean nurse??), you betta take my pulse cause I think you just gave me a heart attack. Du-aaamn you fine."

I start laughing so hard I can’t stand up straight.
"Oh, don’t laugh at a playa, I’m just lettin you KNOW."
I giggle again and then apologize.
HILARIOUS.

A few days later, I ran into him again.
This time he said:
"I’d ask for your number, but gurl, I got it already. You must be 9-1-1 cause everytime I see you I need an ambulance."

Yeah, it’s gay and cheesy and stupid.
But did it make me smile ALL.DAY.LONG??
YEAH.

Compliment the ladies, guys.
Even if it is cheesy and overacted. :)

Never Give Up

A few weeks ago I was at Sonic.
Stopped mid-day to grab an Ocean Water and a break from my kids.
Love my kids, but sometimes need a break.
Anywho . . .

Next to me at the drive-in was a man in a Lincoln Navigator.
I was checking out the Navigator.
Not the man.
The Navigator.
Trust me on this.
But the man thought I was checking him out.

He caught my eye, winked at me and motioned for me to roll down the window.
Umm. . . no.
I look away hurriedly and try and pretend I never saw him motion.
But, for safety’s sake, I’m still looking surruptitiously out of curiousity.
Big (as in tall and muscular), bald black man.
When he smiled, he showed gold teeth with diamonds.
He had more gold on his fingers than in his teeth, but not by much.
He’s still staring and trying to get me to pay attention.
Umm . . no.

So I get my Ocean Water and go.
Next center.
See my kids, am walking downstairs to take them back to class and . ..
See Mr. Bling in the lobby of the center.
Yeah, apparently his child goes to the daycare.
And he starts chatting me up.
And Deedra, god love her, is HELPING him chat me up.

I finally beg off and run to the bathroom . . and wait until he has left.
I then tear into Deedra.
But get this from her:
"Girl! He’s into you. He’s hot. And he’s got dough. You gotta start lovin on the brothers."
She gets this:
"He’s got gold teeth. He tried to pick me up at Sonic. He has children. And I’m not interested."
Her response:
"Yah, brother’s got a grill on him. Alright, Ms. Brittany, but if another one starts up, I’m givin them your card."
Remind me to kill my friends/co-workers.

Best part:
He’s still asking me out.
Ran into him yesterday while he was picking up his kid.
He offered to take me out for "uh fine meal and whateva else you want."
I gotta give it to him.
He’s persistent.

So there are your lessons for the day, boys.
Take heed.

12 comments:

Coyote Mike said...

I gotta get me to the Wizard of Oz and pick up some courage. Cuz I simply don't have the guts to say much of anything to, well, any woman.

It rather sucks.

trueborn said...

Turn on your Ebonics translators now!

Dayummmm Gurl you's a knockout.
That's why my hommies be sweating you all the time.
They ain't afraid to say it cuz they ain't up tight about it.

But hasn't Bryan been doing the same thing? Hasn't he been persistent? The man has offered a fucking kidney?
LAst time I checked the black market those are pretty hot items...
He said he'd give you a piece of himself permanently
That my dear is worth many ah fine meal an shit.
Give the boy a chance.
You deserve it.
Use him up.
He's asking for it.
It's time you answered.

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote - toughen up, kid, get out there. You can do it.

True - Ummm, Robin and stephen offered me kidneys, too. Does that mean I have to date them?? :) Yes, though, you're so right. Bryan's offered me far more than a kidney . . . we'll see what happens. But, just, don't hold your breath, k? :) LOVE your Ebonics translator! True, babe, what would I do without ya?????????

Drunken Chud said...

all i do is compliment you, and hit on you. all i ever get is knocked down. but i get up again. you're never gonna keep me down. i take a whiskey drink... okay, enough of that. heh. anyhow, beautiful, i'm out of shit to say. so, *poof*

Indiana said...

But doesn't persistence of such a nature translate into the modern dating lexicon as...

...STALKER???

Adam said...

So many lessons to learn, so little time.

meghansdiscontent said...

Chud - You did NOT quote Chumbawumba or whatever their name was. Oh, Chud, babe, I think - maybe - your music taste is as bad as mine. Maybe. And yeah, I turn you down . . but it's for your own good, trust me. :)

Indy - Ummm, if he was anywhere OTHER than the daycare that his child attends and I just happen to contract to, yeah, it's probably stalking. BUT we've had this conversation before, love. There's a thin line between stalking and romanticism: That line is "how much the person you're doing it to likes you."

Adam - AH! If it's not my razor buddy! :) You don't need lessons, cat, you're on top of your game at all times. And don't I know it!

Jenni said...

OMG...Yes, you really do have to appreciate the brutha's. They've certainly got persistance on their side. This post had totally made me smile. I've been hit on by a few brutha's in my day. When they're good looking, it's always a compliment. And those lines! I love them! White boys could take a few lessons from them!

Coyote Mike said...

Yeah, I could be out there. But I sometimes feel like I've already reached my rejection quota for my life, and too much more would be beyond what I could take.

Johnny said...

spank spank

Anonymous Assclown said...

OK, let's take a look at this objectively;
We have three similar come-on tactics. Of these three, a grand total of zero resulted in the outcome of an actual date.

So please remind me again why you believe that the behavior in question should be emulated?

mrshife said...

Man I am so glad I am not single. I wouldn't have a clue about getting a date. Well at least they made your day and I am glad to hear it.