Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Boring Day In the Life

Whomever left the comment below about my absence being secondary to the addition of a new man in my life must have been male.
Only males think that a woman’s world stops because he enters her life.
I assure you, there is no new man.

My life has been turned inside out, upside down and sideways lately.
Work has compounded, once again.
The beginning of the summer months always brings with it an onslaught of social requirements, not to mention re-certification and licensing seminars/conferences.
And my health, per usual, has not been cooperating with my needs.
What are the chances?
But to give you an idea of the schedule of the last weekend/early week:

4:00 AM to 7:45 AM - Emergency hospital trip.
8:00 AM to 10:00 AM - Off and on attempts to sleep off the effects of the hospital trip while fielding phone calls, faxes and emails questioning my absence from work and replacement therapists.
10:00 AM - purchase of concert tickets.
10:30 AM - brother bursts into the house to procure concert tickets and will not leave until I agree to shower, dress and accompany him on a shopping expedition/ lunch outting.
4:00 PM - return home.
5:00 PM - leave for a Girl’s Night Out.
5:30 PM - Midnight - Dinner, movie, etc with females. Somehow the dinner turns into a "Men are dogs, especially my husband/fiancee/boyfriend" whine session. Since I have no husband, fiancee or boyfriend, I can only lend a sympathetic ear and caustic comments.
Midnight - 3:00 AM - read "The Great Influenza" and watch "The Lion in Winter" because I can’t sleep due to the pain in my back.

8:00 AM to 11:00 AM - Business conference.
11:30 AM to 6:30 PM - cliff jumping, diving, swimming, boating, etc at the lake with friends - ill advised, I know, but I wanted to swim, durnit. I wanted to dive. I wanted to hurl myself off a cliff. I wanted to pretend for a few hours that I was normal. Sue me.
8:00 PM to 2:00 AM - Stephen’s medical school graduation festivities and subsequent celebration.

5:12 AM to 8:30 AM - Emergency hospital trip. I love it when they know your name when you walk in the door. Wonderful. Shouldn’t I get a discount with this much regularity?
9:00 AM - Church with Jeff and Ashley.
12:30 PM - house cleaning, laundry, etc.
3:00 PM - trip to Lowe’s with my brother where his friends pimped me out to one of their co-workers. Despite my extreme argument against such activities, not to mention my complete non-cooperation. Now, a 32-yr old Lowe’s employee thinks I may acquiesce to a date. Ummm . . my interests lie elsewhere - in fact, much further elsewhere. But a big "Thanks" to Burkes and Gabe for making my already convoluted love life more complicated. You guys are wonderful. I mean it. I should bake you cookies. Punks.
4:30 PM - landscaping, anchoring trees, spreading mulch, washing vehicles, other outside activities.
8:00 PM - get kidnaped by Gabe and Burkes to my brother’s house where the boys are cooking out, drinking beer and discussing how they are going to get the 32 yr old Lowe’s employee to buy them alcohol for setting him up with me. Lord save me. Please. Really. They do realize that when he calls and I don’t answer the phone, they won’t be getting any reward - right???
1:00 AM - return home, converse with a friend until 2:30 AM because I can’t sleep. Pain has become rather excruciating, yet I refuse to go to the hospital . . . again.

3:48 AM - give up, drive myself to the hospital. When they still haven’t released me by 8:00 AM, I surreptitiously use my new Blackberry and stealthily hidden cell phone to convince friends and relatives that I’m at work (and co-workers that I took a personal day to go to the lake) so that no one will worry.
11:00 AM - released. Home. Lie around, wait on the stupid pain pills to wear off so I’m not a zombie bride.
2:00 PM - begin to get ready for Stephen’s going away party.
3:00 PM - go to save my brother. Gabe has text mailed me that brudder is at Lowe’s and can’t find his truck keys. Find out it’s all a ruse to let Kevin see me dolled up for a night out (as opposed to pony-tailed, no make-up, in athletic capris, sports bra and a t-shirt to perform landscaping duties). Blame Hydrocodone and Skelaxin for convincing me to believe such an obvious lie to begin with. Cunning fraternity boys.
4:30 PM - arrive at Stephen’s, cry a lot because my best friend of 8 years is moving 13 hours away, repair damaged makeup and travel to the going away party while planning ways to move to Cleveland without anyone but Stephen noticing. Ummm, right.
6:30 - 9:30 PM - Going away party - where I come to terms with the fact that Stephen really is going to leave me. He really, really is. And for the last time at a social occasion in Arkansas, pretend to be my gay best friend’s girlfriend . . . since there are STILL only a handful of people who know he is gay. (And his young adult church group isn’t included in that handful. Neither are his parents.)
9:30 - 10:00 PM - cry uncontrollably while driving home because I have had no sleep, my best friend’s leaving and life seems to stink pretty much in general. Plus, I don’t want to retake the licensing exam and the Praxis to become certified to perform therapy in Ohio - at least not right now. So much for moving.
10:00 PM - arrive at my brother’s to be comforted by him and Burkes, instead get random hugs, awkward boy moments of "What do we do with the crying girl?? Ummm . . hurry, get her a beer. Uh, she can’t have beer, umm, put a puppy in her arms." and finally start to laugh until I can not breathe when Burkes decides the only way to cheer me up is to put on really loud rap music and dance around me like a crazed lunatic. Sometime during all this I manage to semi-lie to a man via phone. So as not to make him worry. Is it worse to hide problems from someone who can’t change them, or just dump them all on him and hope he will not worry?? Hide. Hide. Hide.
11:30 PM - arrive home and converse with a friend because I, again, can not sleep.

2:30 AM - finally fall to sleep.
4:30 AM - alarm goes off for work.
6:00 AM - 2:00 PM - work. The day is cut short when I discover my afternoon appointments at one particular center have been cancelled, without my knowledge, for an impromptu field trip to the zoo. Monday off and an 8-hr day on Tuesday?? Has Hell frozen over??
2:30 PM - meet brother in Little Rock to return half the things he purchased on his shopping trip Friday.
5:00 PM - can no longer ignore the fact that I’ve urinated blood throughout the day and break down to go to the hospital. Again. To pee in a jug, as per instructions received at LAST hospital visit.
7:00 PM - dinner meeting with therapists which turns into a 3 hour bitch session fueled by alcohol. None of which I can/should/do drink.
10:00 PM - arrive at my brother’s house to drop off presents purchased for him . . just because he’s my brudder. Drive brudder, Gabe and Burkes crazy because I’m delirious from no sleep combined with narcotics and think it’s hilarious to wander around, a la "The Little Rascals" singing: I’ve got two pickles, I’ve got two pickles, I’ve got two pickles, hey hey hey hey. I have NO idea why this popped into my head, why I thought it hilarious to repeat it over and over or why they laughed so hard at it forever before finally going "Seriously, it was funny the first twenty times, now you just sound crazy." They leave for a night of debauchery - inviting me along, I politely refuse, knowing that if I were to go . . . it would lead to badness.
11:00 PM - home, again. Can’t sleep, again. Converse with friend until 2:00 AM, again. Cycle repeats.

Interesting life, yes?
See, no new man.
Just drug induced delirium, insomnia, lies by omission and general busy-ness.
With some "Little Rascals" thrown in for fun.
Nothing particularly blog worthy - hence the hiatus.
But look at me, bowing to peer pressure and blogging NOTHING of any import.

Monday, May 15, 2006

But Always

There are days I wake and wonder if I’ll ever love again.
There are days I wonder if I’ll want to.
There are days I wonder if I already do.

There are days I question if I can run from it any longer.
There are days of standing still, cowering in my own shadow.
There are days where I don’t want to wonder anymore.
There are days where the wonder changes to hope.
There are days where the hope seems lost forever.
There are days where everything seems worth it.

There are days that are just days.
There are days where it takes my all to remember who I am.
There are days where I want to be someone else.

There are days there are no words for.
There are days I can’t explain.
There are days I don’t want to define.

But always, there are days.

Friday, May 05, 2006


I’m still unsure
Did I open the gate
Or did you scale the walls
Using the spaces where others removed bricks
As footholds to throw yourself over

You, who are everything and nothing
Duality at it’s finest
Confident, self assured
But finding yourself lacking
Distancing yourself for safety
Opening yourself for comfort
But still locking things away
Hiding as much as you show
What others see isn’t your reality

Your walls still firmly in place
Would you let me in if I asked
Swing the gate wide
Or make me search for footholds

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Damaged: Part V


He called two weeks later.
"Is this Alexandria?"
"I’m on the do not call list"
"Telemarketing. The do-not call list. I can report your company."
"I’m not a telemarketer."
"Oh. Well. Then . . . who is this?"
"Todd Jackson. We met at Jason’s birthday party?"
"Ah. The Air Force guy with the girlfriend."
"Without the girlfriend."
"I take it the rocks finally froze over?"
"You could say that."
"Who gave you my number?"
"Melody. Is that okay?"
"Would you hang up if I said no?"
"Is anything ever easy with you?" he laughed.
"Once in a blue moon."
"It’s okay, I like a challenge."

A week later she consented to a date with him.
A month later they were falling into bed.
She had just one rule.
She wouldn’t ask him questions about his past.
And he couldn’t ask her.
"Anything in the past is there for a reason. I don’t want to know about on-the-rocks-girl or whomever was before her. And I doubt that you want to hear my sordid past."
"Works for me."

She didn’t tell him about the trips to the hospital.
She made excuses for her absences.
She had a class.
A group meeting.
An intramural game.
She was in the library with her phone off.
Anything to keep from him that she was sick.
She didn’t tell him about Chad either.

She was almost asleep.
His voice broke the silence.
"What are we doing?"
"Lying quietly."
"I mean between us. Are you seeing anyone else?"
"Are you going to ask if I’m seeing anyone?"
"Are you?"
"Do you care if I do?"
"We’ve never talked about being exclusive."
"I thought it was implied when we started sleeping together."

She thought a while before responding.
"I’m not sleeping with anyone else."
"Neither am I."
"Just tell me if you do. So we can decide where to go from there."
"Are you saying that I CAN sleep with someone else?"
"I have no hold on you."
"Neither of us are ready for that."

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Damaged: Part IV


He watched her get in the shower and wanted to shake her.
What the hell was going through her head.
He’d seen her become distant before, but not like last night.
He had tried to keep his distance from her emotionally.
He knew she wasn’t ready for an attachment, and he hadn’t been sure he wanted one.
But over the past few months . . . she’d gotten to him.
She looked haunted this morning.

They’d met at a birthday party for his roommate, Jason.
She leaning against a wall drinking Crown and Coke.
"Do you want to be alone?"
"Not necessarily."
"Do you want to talk to me?"
"If I gave the same answer, would you think I was rude?"
He laughed.
"Then I plead the fifth."
"How do you know Jason?"
"Through his girlfriend, Melody. How do you know him?"
"He’s my roommate."
"Ah, Air Force guy, eh?"
"You have a problem with the Air Force?"
"I didn’t say that. I just asked if you were one of them."
"Like it?"
"It pays the bills."
"No speech about serving your country and patriotism?"
"College wasn’t my thing. I didn’t want to flip burgers. The military seemed the only viable option."
"At least you’re honest about it."

He waited to see what she’d say next.
Would she further the conversation or wait for him to leave.
The silence was palpable.

"Well, I guess I should go see how the chicken’s cooking."
"Nice talking to you."

He watched her the rest of the night.
She didn’t really fit with her friends.
They were all laughing and flirting, eyeing which guys they were going to give their numbers to and ignoring the rest.
She just kept to herself.
She wasn’t rude, just not really approachable.

"You again."
He laughed. "Does that mean I’m unwelcome?"
"No, just unexpected."
"Well, I figured I was un-something."
He saw her smile for the first time.
"Uh oh. Don’t do that. I might have to make you laugh next."
Her lips twitched a little.
"Don’t you have something else you should be doing?"
"Nothing I can think of."
"Where’s your girlfriend?"
"Who said I had one?"
"Cock-blocked so early in the night? That was cruel of him."
She laughed this time.
"Why are you hitting on me if you have a girlfriend?"
"I wasn’t hitting on you. Just talking to you."
"Does that line work?"
His turn to laugh.
"Okay, so maybe I was hitting on you a little."
"Uh huh."
"Can’t blame a guy for trying."
"You can if he has a girlfriend."
"We’re on the rocks."
"Guess that’s better than frozen."
"Margarita metaphors?"
"Give a girl a break."
"Give a guy a phone number."
"Oh, that was subtle."
"That’s my middle name."
"I get the feeling your little black book is full enough without my adding to it."
"Am I wrong?"
"Who burned you?"
The smile slid off her face.
"No one. I just don’t like taken guys vying for numbers."
"What about guys that aren’t taken?"
"That doesn’t apply here."
He laughed again.
"You’re tough."
"So . . . if I find myself single, can I call you?"
"If you can get my number."
"Good enough."

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Damaged : Parts II and III


He flipped her onto her back and pinned her there.
"You’re not going to walk out here and fuck me into forgetting that that happened. What’s your damage?? We’re going to talk."
She laughed at him, it was a hollow sound.
He let go of her hands and she ran her nails across his stomach.

"What do you want, Alex? Do you want me to pretend that didn’t happen? Just lie here and let you make love to me like nothing went on?"
She trailed her hand further down his stomach, following the trail of hair there.
"Damnit, answer me."
She laughed again.

He fell back against the headboard and sighed.
"I don’t get you."
She just watched him.
He slid down and settled in among the pillows.
"I’m listening."
She shook her head and leaned down to him again.
Licking where her hand just traced.
Sliding her way up his chest.
Sucking lightly where his pulse was in his neck.
"Alex, please."


She just wanted him to take her.
She didn’t want to think.
She didn’t want to feel this.
She couldn’t see the questions in his eyes, it hurt too much.
She wanted him to hurt her back.
He still couldn’t understand.
She didn’t have the words to explain it.
She just teased him, hoping he would take over.

"Fine, Alex, just fine. If this is how you want it, fine."
He grabbed a handful of her hair and drew her mouth to his.
He kissed her with bruising force.
She felt her teeth cut into her bottom lip and tasted the sharp tang of blood.
She moaned, from pleasure this time.
His fingers dug into her hips and she knew she would have bruises tomorrow.
He lifted her off of him and forced her down into the mattress.
She felt his knee wedging itself between her thighs and his fingers forcing themselves inside her.
"Is this what you want? You want me to hurt you? Just talk to me. Tell me to stop and this won’t happen."
But she wanted it to.
The pain would make her feel.
She just wanted him inside her.
She didn’t want him to make love to her.
It wasn’t right.
But the pain, the roughness, it made sense.
It was her punishment.

She felt his fingers moving stronger inside her, stretching her, almost tearing her.
She moaned again.
Louder this time.
He took his fingers out and moved to take their place.
She felt him slam into her.
The brutality of the thrust caused the pain to take over for a second.
She screamed.
But he kept going.
His strokes growing harder and deeper with his anger.
She yelled her climax and felt him spill himself inside her.
"Jesus, Alex, you’re going to kill us both."
She closed her eyes and slept.

The alarm clock’s blare woke her.
Todd must have forgotten to turn it off when he got up.
She could see the steam coming from the bathroom.
She walked in and examined herself in the mirror.
She had finger shaped bruises on her hips, the inside of her thighs and her upper arms.
Bite marks peppered her shoulder and chest.
Dark spots of blood raised to the surface where he had sucked too strongly.
She saw him standing behind her.
"You look like you’ve been hit by a car. God, Alex, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I was just so angry and you wouldn’t talk to me."
"I’m okay."
"That’s all you have to say?"
"There’s something wrong with you. I wish you’d let me help."
She turned her back on him and got in the shower.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Damaged: Part I

To prove to some people, including myself, that I'm not afraid of myself, my past or my writing, I'm going to post this.
It's going to be in several parts, because it's too long otherwise.
All events are real.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent.
Most of it should be fairly accurate, because I was psychotic about getting this all on paper for one of my creative writing courses in college . . . and thus TORTURED poor "Todd" by interviewing him (yes, interviewing him, I was a weird kid in college, okay, I still am) to get a better understanding of how what happened happened. He also told me things I didn't know had occurred.
Like him going on dates.
Or picking girl's up.
Because he thought I was messing with his head.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, he was the first guy I was with after Jeff (or Chad) and I was NOT in any state to be dating anyone.
Ah well.



She screamed.
It wasn’t because of the pleasure.
Nor of the pain.
It was to keep her awake.
It served to bring his climax.
She watched his face contort, felt his body clench and then watched him collapse on her.
She strove not to push him off.
Not to bend her head and embed her teeth into his shoulder to startle him.
To shift his heaviness from her.
She wanted to cry.
This is not how it should have been.

He raised himself off her, kissed her forehead and headed to the bathroom.
She felt the breeze from the fan cooling the sweat that had accumulated between her breasts.
She drew the sheet over her and then quickly pushed it back down. It smelled of him and sex.
He came, still wet, from the bathroom.
She felt his weight shift the bed and moaned.
He mistook it for arousal.
"You already wanting more?" he asked, trailing his fingers up her leg.
She clenched her thighs together a bit tighter.
"Playing hard to get?" he laughed.
She wanted to scream at him not to touch her. But couldn’t force her mouth to move.
His hand moved into the cleft between her thighs and she unwillingly became wet.
She fought remembering another man’s touch.
Someone she had loved.
How could she do this?
Her own acquiescence to this angered her.
She wanted to scream again.
It manifested itself in her hands instead.
She turned the strength of the scream into leverage and pushed him from her.
Before he could question or object, she jumped from the bed.
Feeling the coolness of the room touch her body, the carpet pushing up between her toes and the anger consume her.

Tears clouded her eyes.
She stalked blindly to the bathroom and locked the door against him.
The rushing in her ears stopped and she could hear him on the other side.
"What the fuck, Alex? Open the goddamn door."
She felt a sting and looked down.
Her hands were clenched into fists against the door.
Her fingernails biting into her palms.
In the crescent shaped indentions, she saw blood begin to well up.
She was numb.

She turned the shower on to drown out the noise he was causing.
She waited until the water was scalding and stepped under the stream.
She heard the knob jiggle, his fist pounding at the wood and then stopped listening.
The water burned her skin.
Melting his touch, his designer cologne and her anger.
She watched it slide down her body and then to the drain.
But she could still smell him.
It choked her.
Brought her to her knees in the shower.
She tried not to throw up.
The pounding stopped.

She grabbed the sponge from the hook in the shower and began to scrub.
She could feel the skin, already shocked from heat, chaffing under the strength of the friction.
She couldn’t tell if the water in her eyes was the shower or tears.
Her throat felt raw.
She had been screaming.
"Alex, oh god, baby are you okay??"
The anger had left his voice and only worry remained.
She felt calm.
She turned off the water, stepped from the shower and toweled herself off.

When she opened the door, he was sitting on the edge of the bed.
"What’s going on, babe? You had me about to tear down the damn door. What is your damage?"
She didn’t want to answer him.
She placed her hands on his chest and watched her fingers slip in and out of the hair there.
"Damnit, Alex, talk to me."
She pushed him back on the bed and straddled his waist.
"Alex, stop it, we have to talk. What the fuck is going on?"
She leaned into him and forced her mouth against his.
She began to kiss him, roughly at first but becoming a sliding of tongues and lips that aroused instead of hurt.
He tried to reason with her again. "Alex, baby, stop and talk to me. Tell me what’s going on."
She bit his lip. And slid a bit further down on him.
"Goddamn it! Listen to me! You’re not going to disappear for a week, fuck me, run into the bathroom, lock me out, scream like you’re dying and then act like nothing happened! STOP and talk to me!"
He didn’t understand.
She leaned her head in and bit his chest.
That was all he could take.