Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Phone Etiquette for the Mentally Disabled

Let me lay it out for you:

You call ONCE.
I don’t answer.
This is, more than likely, because I am busy.
I saw that you called. When I get free, and have the inclination, I will call you back.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it should work.

But, for some reason it works like this:

The phone rings.
I don’t answer.
More than likely, because I am busy.
I saw that there was a call. I will return it at MY earliest convenience.

The phone IMMEDIATELY rings again.
I’m STILL busy, so I don’t answer.
I see that it’s still you. I’m aggravated that you immediately called back when I failed to answer the first time, but I let it slide because maybe it’s important.

The phone IMMEDIATELY rings again.
I’m, surprise-surprise, STILL busy.
But this isn’t why I don’t answer. I’m now NOT answering out of principle.
Because it’s obvious you have brain damage.
My anger levels jumps from a 1 to a 4.
Leaps and bounds, people, leaps and bounds.

The phone IMMEDIATELY rings again.
I’m not busy, but there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell that I’m picking up this phone because YOU are an imbecile who needs to be locked up in the looney bin!
I check the caller ID just to make certain that it’s not someone without brain damage.
We’re in luck. It’s not. It’s still you.
My anger level immediately hops from a 4 to RED-ALERT-she’s-going-to-throw-her phone-into-a-wall-any-second.
I’m fighting myself not to answer the phone and use every single cussword imagineable, and a few new ones thrown in for good measure. It pays to be inventive.

There are a few moments of silence.
I find myself wondering if you’ve suddenly gained an ounce of intelligence and then decide that it’s far more likely that you were struck by lightning and burned to a crisp.
That thought makes me smile.
My anger level drops from RED ALERT to a 9.

The *&(*&^$%#$^# phone rings AGAIN.
The caller ID is flashing PRIVATE CALL.
Oh ho!
So now you think I’M an imbecile.
News flash, moron, if I didn’t answer when your number was flashing, what are the chances I’m answering a blocked call?
Oh jebus.
Anger level back to RED ALERT.
Only now I’m not going to damage my phone.
I’m going to locate your unattended vehicle and dig my key into it so deeply that it cuts THROUGH the metal.
Yes, I will ruin a key . . . but it’s for a good cause.
Does your mother KNOW that you’re more clingy than a barnacle on the Titanic?

Blessed silence.
Because I set my phone to only accept known callers.
Ah ha! You’re foiled. Yes, you go straight to voicemail and yes, you will fill my mailbox, BUT I could care less because I don’t check voicemail because I hate it. Have fun!

Dear sweet Mary mother of Jebus.
You’re smarter than I gave you credit for.
You textmail me.
Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
I can’t even begin to muster the physical strength it would take to type in a response.
Mainly because no matter what I would type, you wouldn’t understand, and the response would simply encourage you to send more textmails.

Oh, I can’t deal.

I contemplate committing suicide by digging my heart out with a rusty spoon, knowing it would be less time consuming and painful than dealing with your sheer stupidity.
But this plan is eliminated because it would mean my parents would go through my goody drawer.

So I turn the phone off completely.

If my doorbell rings in a few moments, please know that you will die a horribly painful, untimely death by my hands.
Prison has to be quieter than this.


Bejeweled said...

Holy crap. You've got a stalker in the biggest way. Lord, I don't know how you restrained yourself by NOT answering the phone. I know it was out of sheer principle but you have more self control that I do. My temper would have shot straight to the RED alert. Is this an ex or just some psycho you've randomly met? In any case, keep your mace close by!

Traveling Chica said...

I totally do not have the self-control to ignore it ringing that many times. If I was annoyed enough, I might have turned it off though, so that I wasn't tempted to answer the blasted thing and let the caller know exactly. what I was thinking!

Jason said...

There seriously should be some sort of legislation against phone stalking.

Oh, and the private number trick. What cleverness and ingenious thinking must have gone into that. I can't believe you didn't fall for it :)

meghansdiscontent said...

Bejeweled - I had to restrain myself. If I answer it just eggs it on. I swear. If I answer he thinks I'll answer again so he calls more. I went through this a few months ago with him. This is an ex, who became a friend, who I accidentally led on a few months ago, then cut out when he couldn't go back to friends . . . drama, I know. Bleck.

Traveling Chica - Oh, you'd have it if you knew! Trust me. It just makes it worse. But if you want to reem someone out, I can forward my calls to you! :)

Jason - Because the legislation against telemarketers is working so well. :) As for falling for it - contrary to how it seems in some of my posts, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. . . what's that smell . . .

Carl from L.A. said...

I do a happy dance whenever a blog comes alive. Three posts in three days? What have I done to deserve that?

Sometimes I long for the good ol days when you are out, you are not reachable, and there was no such thing as the phone answering machine. This fantastic gadget otherwise known as the telephone has been thoroughly abused. Just ask Alexander Graham Bell himself.

Walter said...

I hear prison isn't so bad, no phones, but the food, shanking or sodomy might.

Johnny said...

Your pain is our humor.


Jason said...

Should I know what your goody drawer is?

Do I want to know?

Ang said...

Seriously! What is wrong with people??!! I like to pick up and hang up on them a few times...they usually get the hint eventually!!

meghansdiscontent said...

Carl - I felt that I'd neglected the blog too long . . though I guess I picked a bad time to start up! Right before the holidays! What was I thinking??

Walter - Gee, you make it sound so tempting . . .

Johnny - Anything to brighten your day.

Jason - Hmmm . . . you might like what you find out. Depends on what kind of guy you are! ;)

Ang - Tried it! Guy is not taking the hint. At ALL.