Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Football Files: Halftime Appearances by Will Smith

I want to preface this by saying: “I HATE THE FLORIDA GATORS!” (and not just because they beat us in basketball Tuesday night)

I don’t think you can be in the SouthEastern Conference and NOT hate the Gators. Unless, of course, you are a Gator, at which point, it’s a toss-up. I’m willing to bet that 2 out of 5 Gators, hate the Gators. Just sayin.However, I am NOT shamed to admit that I did pull for the Gators last night. I had to. I didn’t want to. I just had to. When you’re in a conference that has a team in a bowl game, you MUST cheer for that team. It’s a law. Because if that team wins, it makes your conference that much stronger. I still hate the Gators. With a passion. But I’m proud of them for the national championship game. PLUS, that makes Arkansas’s losses this year look cherry:

Our four losses include:

National Champs – The Florida Gators

#3 Ranked team in the nation – The LSU Tigers (LS-WHO? LS-WHO? Oh, and whatcha gonna do with Jamarcus fat-butt Russell gone, huh???)

#4 Ranked team in the nation – The USC I-hope-you-choke-Damien-Williams-You-Spoiled-Mama’s-Boy-Transfer Trojans

#7 Ranked team in the nation – The Wisconsin (if you really send me a furry hat, Rolli, you’re dead meat) Badgers whose ONLY loss was to Michigan State.

I’ll take that. I’ll also take being the only 4-loss team in the top 15. I think that proves that Arkansas can party with the big boys. Seriously, though, who else even had to PLAY those teams? For those guys out there that say the SEC isn’t the toughest conference in the nation - - What the Buddha EVER! Get your butts down here and play some REAL football.

Woo. . . I need a time out . . . I think I morphed into a testosterone filled lunatic for a second. My bad. It tends to happen when I’m discussing football. Alright. Moving on.

After my defeat of death last night, I decided to go for a run to burn off my nervous energy. When I returned from the run I had a textmail from my brother dearest: “Hey, order a Supreme and a Pepporoni pizza from Pizza Hut and Sarah and I will come watch the game with you.” Blatent bribery, but he knows I love to have someone to talk football with and all my guy friends are married and banned from being in a single girl’s house alone. So I ordered the pizzas and texted him back. His girlfriend (Sarah) ended up not being able to come because of a soriority obligation, so the bubbahead and I spent the first half cheering for a team we hate and making inane observations. Because I adore you guys, I’ll share:

Strung Out

Me: Hang on, I missed part of that. Did they shoestring him or did he just fall down?
Brother: They got him by the shoestring.
Me: Hey, I’ve got a question for you. Which one’s correct: They shoestrung him or they got him by the shoestring?
Brother: I said they got him by the shoestring.
Me: That’s not what I was asking. I meant can you say they shoestrung him, or is that grammatically incorrect?
Brother: Who cares? We’re talking about FOOTBALL.
Me: Good point.

SEC Kickers Have Problems

Announcers (approximated): And here comes Hetland onto the field to kick the field goal. He’s 1 of 10 this season from 30 yards out.

Brother: Wow. He’s worse than Jeremy Davis (Arkansas’s kicker – 2 of 9 at the end of the season, 6 of 13 overall). And that’s saying something.
Me: I’ve got one word for you. TIFFIN! (AL’s field goal kicker who missed all three against AR allowing AR to win the game)
Brother giggling his butt off: Yeah. Tiffin. Good one!

Getting Jiggy Wit’ It . . . or, ummm, Not

Announcers (approximated): And there’s Vernon Gohlston, number 50 for Ohio State. They compare him to Will Smith . . .

Us, not listening to the rest of the announcement. Staring at each other:

Me: Huh?
Brother: He doesn’t look ANYTHING like Will Smith.
Me: I’m with you.
Brother: Maybe he raps?
Me: Maybe his girlfriend looks like Jada Pinkett.

Announcers: The Ohio State legendary defensive end who . . .

Me: Oh. We’re stupid.
Brother: Yeah. We are.
Me: But we knew that about Will Smith. I mean he plays for New Orleans. Doesn’t he?
Brother: Quit trying to cover. We knew it, but we’re still stupid.
Me: Yeah. We are. Don’t tell anybody.

And yet, here I am telling you nice folks.
Hope you enjoyed a glimpse into the utter idiocy that permeates my life.


Carl from L.A. said...

I won't mention USC hanging 70 and 50 points on the Razorbacks in their last two games against each other, only because I can't stand 'SC.

No one hates 'SC more than UCLA. We are the Crips, they are the Bloods. We cut each other off on the road.

The only game that mattered to us this entire season was UCLA 13, USC 9.

Mr Shife said...

Even though Boise State is in the same conference as my team, I refuse to root for them because I can't stand that school. They are our rivals and as far as I am concerned they can suck balls. So sorry but I can't support your conference theory.

Steph said...

I don't know shit about football but you and your bro make a hilarious team.

Jason said...

I have to admit that for the first microsecond, I was thinking the same thing about the Will Smith comparison.

You, tryin' to flex on me? Don't be silly.

Eunuch said...

Arkansas and the LSU were had...

Lux Lisbon said...

My Ex LOVES the Gators. Personally I loathe sports in general and football in particular. It's only redeeming quality is being homo-erotic.

Johnny said...

I love the gator in your underpants.

She's a real snapper!!!


The Duck said...

Ignore Mr. Shife. He's jealous. Anyway, thanks for sharing! Love it!