Monday, January 08, 2007

The Football Files: Jerome Bettis and His Bus

I almost died tonight. Again.
I realized, rather lately, that I was completely out of a very necessary prescription. Therefore, I loaded up in my SUV and headed to the nearest Walgreens, grabbed my prescription, blared a little Poe and headed home. Now . . . if only that were the end of this pointless ramble.

I reached a four way stop, patiently waited my turn then accelerated through the intersection. Only to slam on the brakes (stupidly) and begin hyperventilating when some A-hole in an even bigger (who knew THAT was possible) SUV stopped, LITERALLY one stinking inch from my driver’s side door. I was the deer in the headlights. A moment of silent awe, please.

But, it wasn’t enough for Jerko to almost kill me. No, no. He had to get out of his vehicle and feign irateness!! He started screaming at poor, defenseless, innocent ME. Waving his arms, hollering in his Ebonics laced English and making a general bastard of himself. Well, I’d had it. Today wasn’t the best day for me either, buddy, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you start screaming at me for YOUR inability to drive! Are you out of your everlovin' mind?!?!?!

So (stupidly, again), I crawl over my console and out my passenger door, walk around the front of the vehicle and start yelling back at his ignorant ass. Waving my arms just as spastically and getting within an inch of his face.

Now, this guy bore a strong resemblance to Jerome Bettis and was, in essence, driving a bus: the Chevy Subarban XL. I’m noticeably smaller and in a slightly smaller (Toyota Sequoia) vehicle. He could beat me up and then run over my SUV in a heartbeat, but I was so pissed at this point that it didn’t matter.

I was just about to commit a massive faux pas by uttering something about his heritage when the occupants of the vehicles at the other two stop signs got out and another rather large guy took my side: “I don’t know what you’re acting like a jackass about, it was her right of way!” Which, automatically, reverted me to my third grade self . . . I’m standing behind this stranger yellin’ “Yeah!” every third word he said. I almost stuck my tongue out at Jerome, but decided that was taking it a bit too far, and I was far too classy for such nonsense. You guys believe that, right? That I’m classy? It’s beyond amazing that I haven’t been shot.

In the end, the Good Samaritan finally convinced Jerome to get in his vehicle and back up so I could get into my vehicle without lumbering through the passenger seat and over the console. I was still seething, but happy that there are still a few good men out there who will come to a lady’s rescue (no snickering at the “lady” reference or . . . I don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be pretty).

So, this was the BAD stupid thing I did tonight.You’ll get a summary of the HUMOROUS stupid things I did tonight at a later time.



Adam said...

As a kid with an overactive imagination it didn't take long as a passenger to invent the car flipperer. Like a big eggflip/spatula thing but is attached to your car and can be used to toss cars that are in your way.

Handy for creating carparks, moving traffic jams and dealing with Jerome and his bus. If you're a good girl I'll send you one for your birthday.

Hey chicka, don't worry about a return e-mail, that was so 2006... just wanted to know that you're alive and happy - not that this particular post proves either of those two things...

Traveling Chica said...

It's funny to someone it didn't happen to...

I remember once, shopping with my mom and best friend. The car we had at the time had a passenger window that wouldn't roll down(this becomes important). We were at the mall and the woman in front of my mom thought she should have had the right away or something. She, using her rearview mirror, flipped my mom off. My mom honked... things started to get ugly. We ended up pulled up beside her, with my mom screaming out the back passenger window, as the one in front wouldn't work. I literally was on the floor I was so embarassed, while my best friend in the back seat thought it was the best thing on earth and continued to egg my mom on. It's amazing the things people - ourselves included - will do in road rage situations. :-)

Walter said...

Knowing how pissed off you were, and knowing how stupid and big the idiot was who didn't wait his turn, I'd still put my money on you kicking his donkey if it came to fisticuffs. I think you were pissed off enough to go crouching tiger on him then shove what's left of him up his vehicle's tailpipe. You go Gerl!

Jason said...

Wow, bigger than a Sequoia? What did he have, a pontoon boat on wheels?

You're sure it wasn't really The Bus, right? Cos, uh, I wouldn't mind having his autograph if it was.

meghansdiscontent said...

Hey guys . . I got some of your emails, I have no idea what was up with blogger this morning! I hope you come back and leave your comments here, too, so everyone can appreciate your witty humor!

Adam - Oh, I KNOW you didn't! I emailed you back, punk. YOU didn't email me! I just assumed you got home to the girlfriend and forgot all about us bloggers. Seems we've got some email bugs to work out. How's tricks? Oh and . . where can I get one of the car flippers? I NEED one.

Traveling Chica - I'm sure the people watching us were having a ball! I probably would have been like your friend, finding it hilarious that it was happening, but glad it wasn't my mom. Why is road rage so instantaneous?? I'm normally a pretty cool and levelheaded person . . . but last night I had HAD it.

Walter - I'm gonna agree with you there. I'm pretty sure I could have taken him. I was lit up. I was shaking when I got home! Hence the reason I went for a run. In shorts. In the 30+ degree weather.

Jason - Hey hey hey! Good line, though. He did look an AWFUL lot like The Bus . . . but I'm willing to bet that Jerome can afford a little better than a late 90's version Suburban. Oooohhhh maybe he was undercover . . and I yelled at him??? Oh man!

Carl from L.A. said...

Out here people get shot or they come after you and run you off the road for these kinds of confrontations. I want no part of that.

Flash the peace sign. Don't look. And keep on going.

The Duck said...

That is a wild story. I'm glad somebody backed you up on that. I get so pissed when people don't know the rules of the road, then get mad at you because they think you're breaking them, when they're the idiots. So pissed. PISSED.

Not enough to get out of my car though. That is craziness. Excellent story. Glad you came through it in one piece. See ya!

The Duck said...

Oh, and as my dad always says, "Make sure you watch out for all the other idiots on the road..."