Tuesday, January 30, 2007
They're Currently Reporting 4" of Snow at the Airport . . . Which is Stupid, 'Cause I Don't Know Anyone That Lives At the Airport
To All Meteorologists:
(Particularly those at The Weather Channel, The National Weather Service and you, Troy Bridges, of the Fox 16 News Team)
I’m intensely disliking you at the moment. The dislike is bordering on hate, but I try not to hate anyone. It doesn’t always work, but that’s beside the point.
So, I’m heartily disliking you. Mainly because I think a 3 year old with an open window and a decent sense of smell could do a better job than you. Hell, George Carlin’s “The Hippy Dippy Weather Man” did better than you.
In the past two months, you’ve predicted snow and ice no less than 13 times. I know, because I keep track of these things. The promise of white fluffiness and a day off are too great for me NOT to cling to the hope you so callously dole out.
No less than 13 times, I’ve fallen into bed praying to wake to the winter wonderland you’ve assured me I will have.
No less than 13 times, I’ve woken, rushed to the window and found . . . not even a heavy frost.
At least twice you’ve predicted over 3” of snow and I’ve wandered, dazed and confused, in a 50 degree heat wave.
This is unacceptable. It’s unconscionable. And what’s worst is that it’s out and out disheartening.
Despite the soul sickness I’ve felt on all of these occasions, I’ve decided to give you one more chance. Everyone deserves an opportunity to redeem themselves, even meteorologists. So here goes:
IF the snows you’re predicting for Wednesday and Thursday DO occur, I will not hate you. I will not despise you. I will even go so far as to sing your praises through my open sunroof (thus allowing the snow to fall directly upon me).
However, if these snows do not happen, I will hate you beyond all reason and never watch you again. And by never, I mean I will boycott you for two days until another cold front comes through and my prayers of snow outweigh my petulance.
I could threaten to revoke your barometers, hygrometers, rain gauges, radars, satellites and rawinsondes. But this would be an empty threat, and you'd know it. I prefer to only threaten things I can deliver.
Thank you for your concern and immediate attention to this critical matter.
Hoping Beyond Reason and Good Sense