Tuesday, January 30, 2007

They're Currently Reporting 4" of Snow at the Airport . . . Which is Stupid, 'Cause I Don't Know Anyone That Lives At the Airport

To All Meteorologists:

(Particularly those at The Weather Channel, The National Weather Service and you, Troy Bridges, of the Fox 16 News Team)

I’m intensely disliking you at the moment. The dislike is bordering on hate, but I try not to hate anyone. It doesn’t always work, but that’s beside the point.

So, I’m heartily disliking you. Mainly because I think a 3 year old with an open window and a decent sense of smell could do a better job than you. Hell, George Carlin’s “The Hippy Dippy Weather Man” did better than you.

In the past two months, you’ve predicted snow and ice no less than 13 times. I know, because I keep track of these things. The promise of white fluffiness and a day off are too great for me NOT to cling to the hope you so callously dole out.

No less than 13 times, I’ve fallen into bed praying to wake to the winter wonderland you’ve assured me I will have.
No less than 13 times, I’ve woken, rushed to the window and found . . . not even a heavy frost.
At least twice you’ve predicted over 3” of snow and I’ve wandered, dazed and confused, in a 50 degree heat wave.

This is unacceptable. It’s unconscionable. And what’s worst is that it’s out and out disheartening.

Despite the soul sickness I’ve felt on all of these occasions, I’ve decided to give you one more chance. Everyone deserves an opportunity to redeem themselves, even meteorologists. So here goes:

IF the snows you’re predicting for Wednesday and Thursday DO occur, I will not hate you. I will not despise you. I will even go so far as to sing your praises through my open sunroof (thus allowing the snow to fall directly upon me).

However, if these snows do not happen, I will hate you beyond all reason and never watch you again. And by never, I mean I will boycott you for two days until another cold front comes through and my prayers of snow outweigh my petulance.

I could threaten to revoke your barometers, hygrometers, rain gauges, radars, satellites and rawinsondes. But this would be an empty threat, and you'd know it. I prefer to only threaten things I can deliver.

Thank you for your concern and immediate attention to this critical matter.

Hoping Beyond Reason and Good Sense


Coyote Mike said...

what's a rawinsondes?

What I would really like a weatherperson to say sometime is "I really have no idea what is going to happen." At least then they wouldn't be wrong.

Dan said...

What I find odd is that Spencer Christian, who did sports in NY when I was growing up, has been doing weather in San Francisco for quite a while too.

Ang said...


we have too much in common!

I am addicted to the weather website. I can spot a typhoon from indonesia. My friends tease me of doing a typoon conjuring dance on the roof of my house! My talents failed me last season. Not ONE typhoon day!! Here's praying to the el nino gods next season!!

The Duck said...

So are you a teacher? I can't think of any other professions that would get a day off because of snow. Man I wish things would just shut down because of a couple inches of snow on the ground. That would be nice. Alas, tis not so for me.

Carl from L.A. said...

I'm definitely not looking forward to snow, especially on a work day.

Last time it snowed they closed the I-15 which completely screwed up my morning commute.

Traveling Chica said...

Crossing my fingers for some snow for you!

Bone said...

Oh, don't get me started on the weather forecasters. Seriously.

We have one guy here who has predicted snow three times in the last week. This, despite the fact that it hasn't snowed one cotton-picking flurry all winter.

Good to see you back and blogging. You're an amazing writer.

Steph said...

weathermen/women know shit about shit!
I get up, i look out my window and dress accordingly!! ;)

meghansdiscontent said...

Coyote - Oh come on, professor, I can't tell you everything. :) Google it. I think you'll be surprised to discover what it is.

Dan - Sounds like he's as qualified as any of the rest of them.

Ang - Chica! Like we didn't KNOW that a long time ago! :) I'll cross my fingers for your typhoon next season. . . just remind me.

Duck - Nope. I own a therapy company. But this is Arkansas. If it LOOKS like it might snow - EVERYTHING closes. :( So sad you don't get snow days.

Carl - I'm sorry it messes up your commute. But, it keeps me from having to make mine so I'll keep praying to get YOUR part of the snow.

Traveling Chica - Thanks!!! Every little bit helps!

Bone - Hmmm . . sounds like you've been burned by these so-called "meteorologists" before, too. Thank you for the compliments. It feels . . . strange . . . to be back in this environment.

Steph - Exactly. We should all be so smart. Instead, I watch the weather every night, check the weather service every morning . . and wear sweaters in 75 degree heat because I DON'T look out my window.

Walter said...

Anakin Skywalker fell to the dark side because of his love for Padme'. You'll fall into the dark side for your love of snow. My question now, Darth Meghan, what colour will your light saber be?

Walter said...

Anakin Skywalker fell to the dark side because of his love for Padme'. You'll fall into the dark side for your love of snow. My question now, Darth Meghan, what colour will your light saber be?

Traveling Chica said...

So, did you get any?!?! Did you, did you, did you?!?!

It was snowing on my way home from work last night and it made me wonder if anyone else got any.

Mr Shife said...

So do you hate them or love them?

Eunuch said...

Ok, so it actually snowed here today too...for about 2 hours.

sage said...

At least we've been getting some snow for the past week, finally, up here in the northwoods it's about time. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

meghansdiscontent said...

Walter - Umm, yeah, so . . if I'd ever actually seen ANY of the Star Wars movies, I might know what you were talking about. But, seeing as I haven't, well, I'm gonna have to answer blindly. White. Because it's the color of snow, of course.

Traveling Chica - I will try and post a picture as your answer! :) But I'm still mad at the meteorologists. They only got it about 1/3 correct.

Shife - I like them. We'll go right there in the middle.

Eunuch - YAY! I hope it stuck!

Sage - I should be thanking you. I really enjoyed your post. I'll be back, trust me!

Traveling Chica said...

I'm very happy for you!
:-) I love snow.

Jason said...

Congratulations on getting some snow. But, um, why does there appear to be no one playing in the snow in your picture?

Do you like in a retirement community? Or did you snap the picture at like 6 AM or something? ;->

meghansdiscontent said...

Traveling Chica - Thanks, girl! I'm sure all the crossed fingers and hoping from you helped!

Jason - Ugh! Exactly what I was thinking! I sat outside like a snow-obsessed idiot yesterday for HOURS and never saw a single kid playing . . and it's not like we don't have kids in the neighborhood. I guess they were all inside on their X-Box 360's or Playstations. You're giving me an idea for a post . . What happened to REAL kids?