Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I Wish I Was Able to Hate You, But I Have This Instead

This is because you asked. And I told you I wouldn’t.

If I could write you a letter, this is what it might say:

I don’t know how we got where we are. If I’m honest, I was never sure where we were. The nature of our relationship was, to say the least, unclear.

I think we both preferred it that way. No definitions meant no rules. No rules meant no obligations. But somewhere along the way, I developed expectations. And floating on their glossy surface was hope.

I know it wasn’t right.
You should know . . . it wasn’t intentional.

An outsider looking in on us could never understand. They may try and rationalize it, they may say you hurt me. The truth of the matter was that I hurt myself. Our unclarity, if you’ll permit me to invent words, was clear. An odd connection was forged that couldn’t be maintained for reasons neither of us would divulge. Not to each other and, most likely, not to ourselves.

You never truly denied me anything I asked for. But I never asked for anything I wanted. I feel the urge to ask now. But it feels like it’s too late.

Though I shouldn’t say this: I miss what we had.
Whatever that was. Today, I would say, it was the promise of something. But maybe yesterday, the word would have been idea. The hope is still floating but the possibilities are dwindling.

So today, when I’m driving, I’ll think of the letter I denied you – and posted anyway.
I’ll play the song that you don’t know reminds me of you.
And I’ll get a little farther from you, as far as miles go, but the distance between us will remain the same.

Realize that reality is what you make it.


Traveling Chica said...

It never brought bitterness, jealousy, or loneliness. It was lovely and simple.

Oh man, I've got a few of those myself.


Hope you're feeling better soon...

Sizzle said...

"You never truly denied me anything I asked for. But I never asked for anything I wanted."

i hear that one.

Walter said...

The miles between you two may be gaining, but it sounds like the distance between you two could be dwindling, especially if he reads this post.

coyotemike said...

Reality is a figment of imagination.

Mr Shife said...

It is a very nice letter even though I am sure it was painful to write. You got skills.

Carl from L.A. said...

Reality is exactly what *you* make it.

Don't let anyone but yourself take control of your reality.

However things turn out, make sure that it's you who let it happen.

Not so little Woman said...

Oh how I hear you sister. Once again, I'm blown away at the fact that other people put into words what I could say myself.

I know the pain. I hope it goes away sooner than later and you can feel better.

Not so little Woman said...

PS. The title is on the spot to where I am right now with the Ex. I'm moving from wishing for hate to wishing for "getting overness"

Jason said...

I don't know if this is to an ex, a friend, or a family member. I think it might be even sadder if it's one of the latter two. But you have an amazing way with words. And I hope that the situation improves for you.

Burg said...

Very well put.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Very touching. And I'm sure the guy that you're writing to has a gigantic penis. I mean flat-out huge. It's a wonder he can even walk straight with that big ol' anaconda flopping around in his pants.
You're a lucky lucky woman for being able to corral a bull like that.

mistressofchange said...

Wow. Amazingly well put...for everyone who has ever felt this way (and that's just about every feeling person out there).

Adam said...

Dude, you're so goddam good at words!

meghansdiscontent said...

Hey there, sorry I've been absent so long, I would offer excuses but who wants to hear them? :)

I think answering comments would just bring more questions than answers on this one, so forgive my mystique.

Thank you, all, for commenting!