Wednesday, May 30, 2007

*Don't Hand Me No Lines and Keep Your Snot To Yourself

Riverfest is a three-day music festival in Little Rock that always takes place on Memorial Day weekend. It’s quite the deal. A $10 advance ticket purchase ($15 at the gate) gets you 72 hours worth of music, fireworks and every fried food imaginable, not to mention enough beer to replace the ocean’s water supply.

Sunday night, at the conclusion of the festival, thousands of people were crowding and pushing their way to the ONE line that allows access to the trolley which transports you back to the parking areas. Apparently all of these people flunked Kindergarten because none of them knew how to form a straight line. Of course, this meant that a huge mass of people were herding like cattle towards a single point. People were cutting in line, trampling others and being generally rude.

Somehow, during the whole bru-ha-ha, a woman I termed "Bozo the Bimbo" elbowed and prodded her way in line beside me. Bozo was the color of heavily creamed coffee with a large afro of ORANGE hair and a shirt cut down to her navel. Bozo had very poor social skills and turned towards me to sneeze on my bare back (I had worn a tube top to attempt to thwart the 110 degree heat). I began to shake and moan to my brother’s girlfriend:

"Ewwww, ewwww, ewww!! Bozo the Bimbo back here just sneezed her germs ALL OVER my back!!!"

"Umm, you mean Dennis Rodman back there?"

"Oh yea, I didn’t notice until now, but she does look like D-Rod. Ewww. Gross. What am I going to do?? I’ve got her sneeze juice all over me!!"

The brother’s girlfriend, Tiffany, is the sweetest girl imaginable, so she offered to help. She turns her back towards me and says "My tee’s covered in sweat and stuff anyway. Just wipe it on me."

Well, a guy we’ll term Smokey the Thug had recently stepped on my feet upwards of 32 times and pushed his way in front of me, effectively pissing me off. I decided to pay him back.

"Why would I do that, when I can wipe it all over this jerk?" I then twisted and turned to make it seem like I was turning around in line - when, in fact, I was wiping Bozo the Bimbo’s sneeze juice all over his "2 Pac Lives!" shirt.

Hey! Don’t judge me! He deserved it.

Tiffany began giggling uncontrollably and then said, ‘See! That’s why I love you!"

Yeah, I’m fantastic. Just don’t push your way ahead of me in a line.

*If you're confused about the title . . one of the last acts I saw Sunday was "Georgia Satellites", yeah, I know it doesn't really fit - but cut me some slack.